The Kevin Smith Update: Behold! Kevin Smith’s Walrus-Man

When we last checked-in with Kevin Smith, he was touting the punk rock ethos of TUSK, the walrus-man film he stole from a message board for his own illicit gain (allegedly). The film stars Justin Long and Haley Joel Osment, who I assume is one of those Tupac holograms because I’m almost certain that dude died. If not, then who was that guy I clipped with my car? Just some beady-eyed nobody?

Anyway, this week we’ve learned that not only has shooting wrapped on TUSK (six weeks of filming, so you know it’s good), but also that Smith is here to tease us with a glimpse of the titular walrus-man. Behold.

Huh. Looks to be more man than walrus. I don’t know, I think I’d have gone way more walrusy with it. Like literally an actual walrus, but in human clothes. I’m thinking horn-rimmed glasses and a tasteful cardigan. One with one of those shawl collars that I’ve never been cool enough to get away with. Tell me that’s not scarier than whatever that is above.

Unconvinced? Just imagine if instead of finding a whiny lady and her dog in Jame Gumbs basement, Clarice Starling happened upon a dapper walrus who openly mocked her unflattering FBI windbreaker? Or if instead of rounding the corner and seeing two creepy twins, Danny Torrance came face to face with a snazzy sea beast who, as evidenced by his body language alone, CLEARLY didn’t care for Danny’s dumb bowl cut.

No, I’m serious. Think about it. You wouldn’t even need special effects. Just snap a GoPro to the handlebars of Smith’s rascal scooter and capture guerrilla footage of Erik Stonestreet meandering around The Grove. Think of the cutting one-liners.

Or, you know, just go with whatever that’s supposed to be in the picture above. Some dude with a chin horn. OOOH, WATCH OUT. HE’LL CHIN YOU TO DEATH ONCE HE GETS CLOSE ENOUGH. Meanwhile? My version of snotty walrus-man can eviscerate you from across the room with nothing more than a sideways glance at your Old Navy carpenter jeans.

I guess what I’m saying is, I think a fat man laughed at my outfit during my walk to work this morning and I can’t seem to let it go.