Last Week’s Hot Links, With Laremy

Paul Feig
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Note: Hi, I’m Laremy, welcome to my old column. Rhetorical question: What will this column be? A collection of links you can read, along with really solid commentary. Most will be movie related, but some will just be good ol’ frisky fun, because we can’t read about movies all the time. Now, I’m not saying this column will change the world, but it will definitely rock it to its core. Let’s get in there!

How The Director Of “Spy” And “Bridesmaids” Escaped Movie Jail And Conquered Hollywood – From BuzzFeed

If you really think about it, which I wouldn’t if I were you, Paul Feig’s big epiphany was making a film with female leads. In Hollywood, this passes for “innovation”. There hadn’t been a lady buddy cop film, there hadn’t been a good bridesmaid film, there hadn’t been a spy movie with a female lead. It would be incredible if it weren’t also super sad.

Best quote from the article:

“Feig’s dire circumstances really sunk in, however, when he was in contention to direct the first feature adaptation of Jeff Kinney’s wildly popular Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. “I’d have these amazing meetings with all the studio people,” Feig said. “It was my movie. At the last minute, my agent said, ‘Well, the head of the studio won’t approve you for it.’ I was just like, If I can’t get a kids movie, it’s over. F*ck, I’m in movie jail.”

Can’t even get a kid’s film? How dare you! That Mad Max guy made Babe: Pig in the City! Actually, that remains the craziest story of our generation, and I include the Duggars. The guy who made Mad Max also made Babe: Pig in the City. Discuss below.

Crunching the numbers on 35 years of basketball movies – From The Dissolve

This is the longest article ever about basketball movies, unless you count The Constitution of the United States.

Best quote from the article:

“There’s a reason Lee named this guy Jesus: the temptations are great, and the fall omnipresent.”

This article does not contain Air Bud but it does contain Teen Wolf. Can you spell R-A-C-I-S-M?

What porn actors don’t talk about – from New Statesman

This is ostensibly about money, but it’s also got some frank vulva talk in there. So yeah, basically your average TV pilot season.

Best quote from the article:

“A well-known performer who had her heyday in the late 2000s once told me that her rate for a double penetration scene was $12,000.”

That’s a hell of a heyday. You could eat a lot of hay with that sort of hey.

BET Awards '11 - Show
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With Willow Smith as the new face of Marc Jacobs, is success imminent? – from Fusion
I’m going to go with no.

Best quote from the article:

“Yes, the 15 year old one-time face of the Free The Nipple campaign is now fronting the famed American fashion label’s Fall 2015 ad campaign alongside musical legend Cher.”

I feel like if I tried to ignore Willow and Jaden they’d just show up at my house and try to sell me high-speed cable Internet. I mean, is there really going to be no retribution for After Earth? Is no one to be held accountable?

Why Hollywood Is Hooking Up With Tinder, Grindr for Movie, TV and Music Projects – from The Wrap. You probably thought Hollywood couldn’t get more soulless. YOU WERE WRONG.

Best quote from the article:

“Millennials are on Tinder,” the app’s marketing vice president Phil Schwarz told TheWrap. “Now that we know that it works, anytime we have the ability to offer something to our users that we think will make them happy, we’ll do it.”

Phil Schwarz feels like he’d be a gas at parties. Light bit of trivia: he’s the creator of the Kegerator. I know, right? You never think you’re going to meet that guy.

The Misunderstanding of 3-D – from The New Yorker
They keep trying to shove 3-D down our throats, and we keep coughing it back up, like a cat with a hairball.

Best quote from the article:

“There was more excitement late last month, when brawls reportedly broke out in a rush for seats at Gaspar Noé’s “Love,” an art-house porno flick in three dimensions.”

Our friends at the New Yorker do a halfway decent job of justifying why 3-D should go highbrow. But 3-D doesn’t work for audiences for one reason, and one reason only. No one wants glasses between them and the theater, just as no one wants gloves on when they pet their dog. It’s just unnecessary, unless you’re a giant squirrel. [Vince’s note: I read this last part six times and I still don’t know what it means. But I left it, because that’s part of the magic that is Laremy.]

Inside the World’s Biggest ‘Magic: The Gathering’ Tournament – from Rolling Stone

Best quote from the article:

“It’s possible that opening a pack today might unveil a Tarmogoyf, a vicious, Giger-y bad boy running around $140 – nearly double our $75 entry fee.”

I understood maybe seven words of the entire article, but I freaking loved the whole thing. I want a Black Lotus card for my birthday (this week, btw).

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Confessions of a Google Spammer – from
This is a remarkably poorly formatted article, almost to the point that I think it might be a trick.

Best quote from the article:

“I tried to buy myself some fancy clothes and toys to feel better about myself. I immersed myself in a shallow relationship with a model who would end up being Miss Universe China 2014. I took weekly hiking trips with my friends in the hills of Beijing on psychedelic mushrooms.”

Was I just spammed by this? Also, he was actually more of a keyword spammer than a traditional spammer in the sense of “make yo’ penis larger” emails. Anyway, if I’ve learned anything at all about Google it’s this – Google is a search engine.

How Nike could kill the Nikebots, and why it doesn’t – from Fusion
I once had a pretty serious shoe addiction. I worked for Nike for a spell, so it makes sense, and I always had these dreams of getting the exclusive Taylor Swift shoes (or whatever was en vogue at the time) as soon as they came online. I was obsessed with LeBron 4s. Look, I’m not proud, but I get the appeal. Then I learned it was a rigged game! The NikeBots!

Best quote from the article:

“When you look at Nikebots, then, or at the people camping in line outside Nike stores, or even at $5,000 Air Yeezy 2 Red Octobers, what you’re looking at is essentially a largely unanticipated outgrowth of the marketing phenomenon that is Michael Jordan and his eponymous footwear.”

Man. Air Yeezys sound like something I would wear out all night long. All night. Anyway, we need to start a petition to end the NikeBots. If not now, when?

Now, It’s Personal: The Epic, Inside Drama Behind the New Hollywood Agency Wars -from The Hollywood Reporter
I don’t usually go in for the inside baseball stuff, but this has some juicy tidbits. And who doesn’t enjoy a goddamn juicy tidbit?!

Best quote from the article:

“For years, Emanuel, now 54, left a daily message with Lovett’s office to ask him to return his call (Lovett never did) — just to get under his rival’s skin.”

That’s a baller move, I respect that. Anyone can hate – but to hate every day for years? Next level. Sadly, I bet you his assistant eventually stopped giving him the messages. Ruined it for everyone.

The scientist who designed the fake interfaces in “Minority Report” and “Iron Man” is now building real ones – from Quartz
Finally, someone giving back. If only Andy Serkis would get the message and start doing mo-cap for my charity balls.

Best quote from the article:

“Underkoffler is now CEO of Oblong Industries”

In truth, there’s not a lot to this little ditty. They can’t all be first round draft picks. But it would be DOPE if we could get that technology where Tom Cruise rips his eye out. That scene almost made me throw up. I also don’t think it would work, because any society that uses retinal scans also has the ability to just shut down the entire building, regardless of retina usage. #JustSaid

That’s all I’ve got for now, you stay sweet!

Laremy is on Twitter and hates having beef with people.