‘Starring Aaron Eckhart as Frankenstein’s Monster’ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“Built from the discarded corpses of male models with perfect bone structure…”

We’ve already had umpteen million sexy vampires, and vaguely ethnic werewolves trying to tempt white chicks away from abstinence with their sexy abs, so why not a sexy Frankenstein? I mean, other than the fact that the character has “monster” in the title?

That’s the question asked by director Stu Beattie (writer of GI Joe, Pirates 5) in I, Frankenstein, starring cartoonishly handsome cleft-chinned movie star Aaron Eckhart as Mary Shelley’s hideous corpse monster. He walks into a restaurant and women recoil at the sight of him. Or possibly at the dampness in their own panties, I can’t tell which. It opens January 14th, 2014. Pff, and they say movies released in late January are stupid.

200 years after his shocking creation, Dr. Frankenstein’s creature, Adam, still walks the earth. But when he finds himself in the middle of a war over the fate of humanity, Adam discovers he holds the key that could destroy humankind. From the co-writer of the hit supernatural saga, UNDERWORLD, comes the action thriller I, FRANKENSTEIN, written for the screen and directed by Stuart Beattie, screen story by Kevin Grevioux and Stuart Beattie, based on the Darkstorm Studios graphic novel “I, Frankenstein” created by Kevin Grevioux. The story is brought to life by a cast that includes Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Jai Courtney, and Aden Young as Victor Frankenstein.

Oh man. This plot is like shitty movie mad libs. It’s like someone typed it with their own bored farts. How does anyone even have the energy to finish something this terrible? I’m guessing cocaine.

Ermagerd, ert’s a mernster!