Man Of Steel
I Declare War
Dealin’ With Idiots
A Country Christmas
I could make a lot of claims about the wonders to behold on DVD this week, but I’m pretty sure all I need to say is this: one of these movies includes real, non-simulated, full-on footage of a hand-job, so continue reading to find out which one it is. (It may surprise you to know that it is not Grabbers.)
I’d just like to point out that despite Vince’s generally positive “B” review of this movie, the critics mostly disagreed and in fact consider 2006’s Superman Returns to be the better film. Yikes. Of course a movie like this is pretty much critic-proof because it’s SUPERMAN; everybody’s gonna see it no matter what other people think of the film. Just so, everybody’s going to form their own opinion about it and even then that opinion won’t matter because it made enough money that Warner Brothers is already underway with the sequel, which everyone is going to see anyways because it’s called Batman Vs. Superman, which is like calling your film Broken Box Office Records: The Movie. Add in the fact that everyone seems to have an opinion about Ben Affleck playing Batman and it’s actually kind of nice that –whether or not you like the results- it really does seem like director Zack Snyder and his cohorts are actually trying to make decent, well-received films when they could very easily pull a Batman & Robin or a Superman IV: The Quest For Peace out of their coke-bloated asses. Those two films were so terribly written, lazily acted, and just flat-out poorly made that they killed their respective franchises. For a while, anyway. And that’s really the point: As long as movie studios have the rights to make films about Superman or Batman or Spider-man or any other ‘man’ they will –and all while still saying a big “f*ck you” to a stand-alone Wonder Woman film. Quality simply doesn’t play into it. So if you hated Man Of Steel, maybe you’ll like the inevitable next version better. At this point, Superman and Batman (and Spider-man, and James Bond…) really are immortal. Even expensive failures like Green Lantern are bound to show up again sooner or later, and that’s just the way it is and none of this is just my attempt at avoid any specific discussion about Man Of Steel and in turn admitting that –once again- I haven’t seen the big movie that everyone else has already seen and forgotten about. No, that’s not what’s going on here at all.
Guess what? I actually have seen this movie about orcas living in captivity that end up attacking/killing humans –and I still won’t be saying too much about it. The only thing I would add to Vince’s “A” review is that there’s some stellar footage of a male killer whale getting his truly massive dick jacked off. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. (Seriously though, the movie is excellent and will make you think twice about going to SeaWorld.) Luckily, there are a couple of other lower-profile docs that are also on DVD today, so here are a few brief thoughts about each: Buffalo Girls –this documentary follows the careers of two young female athletes who are part of Thailand’s underground Muay Thai boxing circuit. They fight to provide much needed money for their families, and if they make it to the championship and win it could change their lives forever. Also important to note, the two girls are only eight years old. Serious warning: as a parent, I find the trailer included below hard to watch. Eight-year-olds, dude. Road Trip For Ralphie (available Wednesday) – Two Canadian super-fans of A Christmas Story spent two years off and on traveling to each of the film’s shooting locations, culminating in a visit to the 2006 grand opening of the A Christmas Story museum, housed in Ralphie’s ‘actual’ house in Ohio. They decided to film their journey and –for some reason- think other people want to watch them geek out over finding old props and tracking down filming locations, all while creepily reciting dialogue from the movie. I don’t even like watching the vacation videos made by people I know, let alone seven-year-old vacation videos made by complete strangers depicting their journeys to the exotic locales known as Toronto and Cleveland. Still, it looks easier to watch than A Christmas Story 2, but then so does Buffalo Girls.
Ryan Reynolds gives voice to a snail that wants to become a race car. What’s worse is that the little f*cker succeeds. He races –against cars- in the Indy 500. Why? Magical nitrous oxide or some shit, that’s why –and I’m just assuming he wins because why wouldn’t he? This is a terrible message to send to our kids. It was already a lie when we were kids and adults told us we could grow up to be anything we wanted to be, now we are telling kids that their ambitions and dreams need not even be tethered to the bounds of reality? Look, it was highly f*cking unlikely that I would grow up to be an astronaut or a Supreme Court judge like I was always being told, but technically it wasn’t impossible. Now kids see shit like this and they think they can just decide they want to become the Golden Gate Bridge or the mole next to Obama’s nose and it’ll just happen because it worked out for the damn snail with the sexy voice. I keep my kids’ hopes and dreams in check, I can tell you that. My three-year-old daughter started gymnastics a few weeks ago and she’s already asking if she can be in the next “old lympics”. I told her no, because even if she wasn’t way too fat and uncoordinated, real Olympic gymnasts always finish their milk and they never smear their shit down the side of the toilet bowl when they slide their befouled ass off the seat and down along the exterior curve of the porcelain. Judge me all you want, but you haven’t seen her in action; she really is a terrible gymnast.