Stallone & Schwarzenegger escape from prison and 50 Cent is there too!

A man like Arnold, he doesn’t do anything small, as evidenced by his penchant for giant trucks and mulatto ass (his words). So when he got back on the acting horse, he didn’t take any tune-up fights (Grr, mixed metaphors!). He went straight to starring in a ridiculous action movie, and even though crushing a tank during the press junket bought him a couple polite early reviews, the movie sucked and it looked like a political career had actually made him a worse actor, which would be a first. So now what?

Well now Arnold’s back, starring in Escape Plan, which used to be called The Tomb, in which Sylvester Stallone plays a prison escape expert (just like my grandad) who goes undercover at a fancy prison called The Tomb, where he meets Arnold Schwarzenegger to bro out and do hoodrat shit with their friends. This one looks a damn sight better than The Last Stand, not the least because “Computer Expert 50 Cent” is a phrase that just rolls off the tongue like a fine champagne. But am I wrong for wishing that a movie with so much man meat in prison would involve more baby oil? Discuss.

“You heed laike a vegataaahrian.”

Oy, what a line. You ever get the feeling these screenwriters are just dying to call each other “faggot” but know they have to do it in code?

Also, they missed such a golden opportunity to recreate the Predator handshake that I want to cry.