Michael Fassbender’s monstrous Fasspenis cost him the Oscar. OBVIOUSLY!

Perhaps no more factual, well-reasoned, thoroughly-researched article exists, than the one over at TheEnvelope right now that postulates, “Did Michael Fassbender’s big part cost him a nom?” HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, EINSTEIN Q. CRONKITE, I THINK YOU’RE ONTO SOMETHING!

Get it? By ‘big part’ they mean his penis! And I’m sure that was the reason! At first people probably saw the Fasspenis and were like, “OMG, NOM NOM NOM!” but then they probably got second thoughts when they realized how big it was. Happens to me all the time. Well, friends of mine. This guy I met once. Okay, we didn’t meet, but I read all about it in a magazine. His name was “Steve,” I think.

The Irish hunk’s bold portrayal of a sex addict in the NC-17-rated “Shame” has had tongues wagging since last fall, but as awards campaigning chugged along, some of the wagging moved from what was in his performance to what was in his underwear.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, a thousand times I’m sorry, but I read that part about “tongues wagging about what was in his underwear” and immediately imagined three elderly Academy voters fighting over the right to eagerly, breathlessly, hungrily lap up steaming heaps of Fasspoops. Served in a golden chalice. Just tearing each other apart for the opportunity.

His brave displays of nudity and desperate sexual encounters in Steve McQueen’s film revealed that Fassbender was gifted in both acting and anatomy, earning him Critics’ Choice and Golden Globe nominations, among many others. [Not to mention the Nobel Prize for MONSTROUS DICK-HAVING] But the conversation on Michael moved further south, so to speak, since those accolades were handed out.

Further south? Dammit, Florida. This is why we can’t have nice things.

“He’s a guy who’s unfamiliar to a lot of people and did a movie that’s really intimate,” one high-ranking academy voter told the Ministry. “That was a super-brave performance but … perhaps it inspired people to fantasize, and not actually vote.” [TheEnvelope]

Oh sure, sure, yes, I can easily imagine how that went down. I was actually able track down another Academy voter who told me exactly what happened when he tried to put pen to paper and nominate Michael Fassbender for the Oscar.

“I had…like…an odd problem. For some reason, I don’t know why, I had this thing…where I would…like, kinda…sit around all day and draw pictures of dicks.I’d just sit there for hours on end drawing dicks. I don’t know what it was. I couldn’t touch the pen to paper without it drawing a penis.”

Aw, poor, Michael Fassbender. You sad, pathetic, rich, handsome, famous, huge-dicked movie star. I don’t know how you even live with yourself. I’m sure he’s somewhere right now, crying over lost opportunities and banging out the chorus to “Born This Way” on a xylophone with his wiener.