Olivia Wilde Has Advice For Women Turning 30

Olivia Wilde doesn’t turn 30 until March 10, 2014, but as long as she has a movie to promote – Drinking Buddies, of which you can read Vince’s review here – she was more than happy to write a guest column for Glamour about the anxiety that some women can feel as they approach that milestone birthday. Now, some people might think that it’s a lot easier to turn 30 for a famous, incredibly gorgeous actress with one of the coolest fiancés in the world, but even as an ageless guy, I thought her advice was pretty great and relevant.

Of the actual age of 30, Wilde refers to it as “the Cut the Bullsh-t and Go Be Awesome stage” of life, and she jokes that she “might finally grow boobs*,” to which I sort of laughed and then fainted. But this is less about me being a stalker and more about her youthful wisdom and how it applies to the Jane Does of the world. Here are some of her interesting pointers

DON’T freak out about all the brilliant people who accomplished more than you by 30.

Yes, Einstein had discovered the theory of relativity by your age, and Emily Brontë had written Wuthering fu*#ing Heights, but honestly, what you achieve is far less important than what kind of human being you are. What do you want people to say at your funeral: “Olivia may have cured HIV, but she ran over my cat and drove away laughing”? No, thanks! I’d rather be a good person who makes people happy than a dick who wins a Nobel by 32.

I think this is a very interesting perspective, because I wouldn’t care if a million people thought I was a massive tool if it meant being wealthy and powerful.

DO enjoy your sexual prime.

Hey oh! According to horny Professor Alfred Kinsey’s 1953 page-turner Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, women really start heating up in their thirties, so let’s just say it’s finally your turn to act like an 18-year-old boy—except you’ll be 1,000 times better at…everything.

DON’T feel pressured to pop out kids.

I love kids with a passion I usually reserve for hot cheese, miniature chairs, and Prince concerts, but I feel no stress to reproduce simply because of a fear of withering eggs. Wait for the right partner, and make sure you’re where you want to be in life before picking neighborhoods based on school districts. This is not to suggest you should live irresponsibly for the next 10 years, then expect to get knocked up when your chosen dude finally sneezes inside you. But you’ll never find the right baby-maker or enjoy baby-making if you’re doing it out of anxiety. Relax, be good to your body, and when the time is right, get busy.

Plus, nobody wants more stupid wiener kids running around.

And DON’T be bogged down by your past.

Saturn has now orbited the sun once since you’ve been alive; make this next go-round whatever you want it to be. Consider your baggage (bad boyfriends, job setbacks, body issues) lost by the airline of life, leaving you empty-handed at your new destination with only one choice: Go shopping.

That’s it. Now go—be awesome.

Unrelated, but I keep forgetting that her actual name is Olivia Cockburn, so porn’s always an option if the whole mainstream thing falls through.

*By the way…