It’s that time of year again, folks. Actually, it’s slightly later than that time of year this year, as the Oscars is taking place a week later than usual on account of the Olympics. The Olympics have ended, now tune in for the Olympics of self-congratulating! The red carpet coverage starts at 3:30 PT/6:30 ET, the awards telecast at 5pm/8pm, on ABC, with Jimmy Kimmel returning as host.
It feels like general interest is lower this year. Which you could blame on a crop of pretty good but not life-changing movies (outside of Lady Bird, which was great). But I think mostly we all know there’s no way this year’s ceremony could live up to last year’s. Last year’s ceremony pitted La La Land against Moonlight, which was annoying because they were both great, but it ended up working out perfectly when Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway botched the presentation, giving it to La La Land when it was supposed to go to Moonlight, and getting both groups of producers on stage together to begin the healing. Which not only saved us an entire year of “La La Land only won because of white privilege!” and “Moonlight only won because of political correctness!” shit takes, it was a genuine, spontaneous moment. You can expect a lot of things from an Oscars telecast, spontaneity isn’t generally one of them.
It’s unlikely this year could produce anything like that, and rather than two worthy films going head to head, we have Three Billboards Outside Ebbings, Missouri, favored to become the worst best picture winner since Crash. And it might be worse than Crash.
That said, last year’s telecast took place just a month after Trump’s inauguration, when we were still in the denial/anger stage of grief. Now that we’ve all come to terms with the fact that we live in hell world, the jokes will probably be better. And if not, who cares? That’s what drinking games are for, to make anything entertaining.
A drink is a drink. Call it a gulp, call it a finger, smaller sips for harder liquor, just be consistent.
The “wrap it up” music starts during an acceptance speech: One drink.
A winner cries during their acceptance speech: Two drinks.
A winner thanks God during their acceptance: Finish your drink.
“So brave”: If anyone calls another movie person “brave” or speaks of “the brave men and women of…”: Waterfall.
“My wife.” If a winner thanks “my wife” the last person to Borat voice “MAH WAHFE” has to finish their drink.
The “Marty” Rule
If a presenter or winner gets over familiar when name-dropping a famous person, like “Lupie” Nyong’o or “Chad” Boseman or “B-Train C-berbatch,” named in honor of “Marty Scorsese”: One Drink.
Timely Sex Jokes
What this year’s crop of movies may lack in classic rivalries it makes up for in creep sex. You know there will be lots of jokes about those.
Reference to fish sex from The Shape Of Water: One drink.
Reference to the sex peach from Call Me By Your Name: Two drinks.
Reference to Mr. Willoughby’s nice cock, from Three Billboards: Three drinks.
Reference to Armie Hammer’s digitally-removed balls: Finish your drink.
Timely Political Jokes
A joke involving the mythical land of Wakanda? One drink.
A joke involving both Donald Trump and Wakanda: Two drinks
Reference to Harvey Weinstein:
-One drink if joking.
-Two drinks if earnest.
Veiled reference to some other sex creep: finish your drink.
The Gun Control Lightning Round: After the first gun control reference, all one or two drink rules double, becoming two and four drink rules, until the second gun control reference ends the round.
The Josh Gad Rule
Josh Gad wasn’t in any nominated movies this year, but has that ever stopped him? He’s everywhere, whether you like it or not. If Josh Gad shows up anywhere unannounced, whether it be as part of a bit or just a shot of him in the crowd, finish your drink and yell “but he was good in Book of Mormon!” Last person to yell “but he was good in Book of Mormon!” has to get new drinks for the group.
That’s it for this year. Enjoy, and don’t forget to drink responsibly or whatever.