THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Last week was a busy one, complete with Paul Rudd, Paul Blart frolicking with gorillas, Baby Goose, and some indie sh*t you probably haven’t even heard of yet (*sips chai*). Don’t worry, daddy’s got your rundown.
Our Idiot Brother. The makers of Our Idiot Brother have clearly decided to make Paul Rudd’s cuteness their film’s selling point. Wise choice, or WISEST choice? If you could bottle Paul Rudd’s cuteness, I would buy a year’s supply and shoot it up my butt with a turkey baster. That doesn’t really make sense, but Paul Rudd seems like a nice guy is what I’m trying to say.
Abduction. Taylor Lautner stars in… ABS-DUCTION! He’s parkouring beyond the laws of physics! Not a bad poster, I guess. I mean, they did their best with a guy who has one facial expression. And everyone time I look at it, I can’t help but see this:
The Brave. The trailer for Pixar’s latest came out this week. Hard to tell much about it just yet, and I guess I’ll give Pixar the benefit of the doubt, but so far all I can tell is that it’s about a pretty girl doing warrior things. I know that seems like an inexhaustible premise now, I just worry that I won’t have the same appetite for it after Salt 2.
Bridesmaids, French poster. I know I bitched about Melissa McCarthy’s character in my review, but I actually liked the story and her acting, and the more I think about it, the more I think the problem all comes down to the way she’s dressed. I’m sorry, no fully functioning adult dresses like that. She might as well have been wearing clown shoes the whole movie.
Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. Haha, “small parts,” get it? They’re talking about his penis! Is it just me, or does Nick Swardson really look like Steve Coogan in this? Anyway, this one’s about a kid from the Midwest who comes out to LA to follow in his parents’ footsteps and become a porn star. I’ve always liked Nick Swardson and was hoping to see him outside of a dumb Adam Sandler movie, but Sandler co-wrote this and the guy from The Hot Chick is directing. So I guess we’ll see. It’d be nice to see Sandler do something he actually thinks is funny for a change, now that making more money would require buying a separate mansion to store it in.
Circumstance. You SAY it’s sexy, but those chicks are just laying there. Show, don’t tell, man. And yes I mean nudity.
Cowboys & Aliens. We call this the “Zardoz” pose.
Cowboys & Aliens. Once again, I can’t stop staring at Daniel Craig’s weird upper lip. Also, Harrison Ford looks weird. Haha, I love you, in-depth analysis.
Crazy Stupid Love. They’re doing a Good, the Bad and the Ugly-type thing with this poster series. Baby Goose represents love because, duh, it’s Baby Goose.
Crazy Stupid Love. Hey, what the hell, I thought Baby Goose was “Love.” And doesn’t Julianne Moore’s character cheat on Carell in this flick? I guess all that doesn’t matter when you’ve got a hilarious belly bow. Haha, we’re such dorks!
Crazy Stupid Love. Moar like crazy HOT, amirite? I like this new trend of casting Marisa Tomei as the hot chick who bangs losers to make them feel better.
Crazy Stupid Love. KEVIN BACON CROTCH GRAB! Here we see Steve Carell and Kevin Bacon trying to stop Baby Goose before he puts on another Raffi CD.
Dirty Girl. That’s Juno Temple, which is her real name, even if it sounds like a Diablo Cody character.
It’s 1987 and Danielle, the high school ‘Dirty Girl’, is running away. With her is chubby, gay Clarke, a bag of flour called Joan and a Walkman full of glorious 80’s tunes.
Flypaper. A movie that looks like a Cleveland McSteamy gets an equally terrible poster. Having seen Tim Blake Nelson in a few indie “comedies” now, I’m beginning to think he’s the angel of death. Well, not death maybe, but certainly the angel of crap.
Footloose. “This is OUR time! …To remake the movies of our parents!”
Footloose. Seeing this brazen, scantily-clad hussy writhing her barely-covered vagina against some dork with Twilight hair’s crotch makes me wonder if the town was right to ban dancing. Also, judging by the background, they shot this the same place they shot Crazy Stupid Love.
Girlfriend. Oh man. I just watched the trailer. It seems that dude from Last Airbender has a girlfriend who bangs a dude with Down Syndrome. You can certainly see how a girl who dates Jackson Rathbone would be into that. Also, “Jackson Rathbone” sounds like a Stephenie Meyer character.
The Guard. This movie looks awesome, but this poster looks like a collage from my eighth grade yearbook. By the way, how is “A raucous comedy!” a quote worthy of top billing on the poster? I’d like to see this guy’s design for The King’s Speech. “It’s a drama!” -Pete Hammond, Obvious News Weekly.
Puss in Boots. Here’s another trailer I didn’t post this week. I know someday I’ll have kids and I’ll have to care about stuff like this, but until then I’m just going to savor my total indifference.
Planet of the Apes. I covered this one already, but there really are a lot of terrible things about it. I guess the apes are bulletproof and can throw exploding poop, or else this conflict would seem to resolve itself pretty quickly.
Spy Kids. Jeez, that baby Jessica Alba is holding is a terrible actress, and that’s saying something considering she’s strapped to Jessica Alba. Hey! Baby! Stay focused over here! With that attitude, you’ll never work in this town again.
Spy Kids. 4D in Aromascope, because scent is a dimension now. Steven Seagal can’t keep track of this movie too well.
Sky Kids. “She’s kicking it up a gear.” Is that even a play on words? I feel like the people who made this care about it as much as I do.
This Must Be the Place. Here’s another one I already covered. If the goal was to make me shout “AAAHHH KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!” and throw my laptop out the window and cross myself, well done. Words cannot describe how visually offensive I find this poster.
Vampires. Okay, well done, poster, I’m intrigued. My only criticism is that from far away, the coffin sort of looks like a tampon.
Vincent Wants to Sea. Thanks to Adam Carolla, all I can think is that I wish this was called “Harry Seaward.”
Paul Blart Zookeeper. Is this real life?
Paul Blart Zookeeper. He doesn’t talk to animals, unless they talk to him first. “Make terrible movies,” that giraffe must be whispering.
Paul Blart Zookeeper. So the gorilla’s not wearing clothes or rapping this time? How tastefully restrained.
Paul Blart Zookeeper. “Lo sciento, señor, but I only pay for two stock monkey picture.”
Paul Blart Zookeeper. “Make terrible movies,” Paul Blart’s animal instincts seem to be telling him.
Paul Blart Zookeeper. “Si, si, señor. Jorge has solamente two monkey peecture and juan peecture of Paul Blart. Pero Jorge make due.”
[posters via IMPA]