This Week In Movie Posters: Hey, Can Someone Please Explain The ‘Purge’ Franchise?

This week in posters begins this week with Michael F. Assbender in Assassin’s Creed, which looks pretty much like the artwork for the video game, which is probably smart, considering the art for the game was good enough that even a non-gamer like me remembers it. Anyway, it’s a fine poster, but I hope they paid Fassbender a lot for this, because Jesus Christ, man, you’re a two-time Oscar nominee. Now you’re doing Creed poses on top of a building wearing a leather dress? The world has plenty of Vin Diesels for this kind of thing. This is like using a Ferrari to tow a U-Haul trailer.

Here’s a clever poster for Nate Parker’s The Birth of a Nation, a Nat Turner biopic which received a standing ovation at Sundance. Not to be confused with the other Birth of a Nation. I realize using the same name was deliberate but… why? It’s still annoying. Anyway, how much you want to bet the original plan was to have the white people be the white stripes in the graphic? Then the graphic designer tried it and it just looked like a blue square with a bunch of grey gobbledy gook. That’s how I imagine it went down.

This is a documentary? Did someone secretly film the noon-3 pm portion of my post-blackout hangovers, during which I reevaluate my entire life and silently vow to make some big changes as soon as I can hold down solid food? Because that’s what it looks like. That being said, I don’t know what the black things are. Are they strings or has someone scrubbed the eyes out with a marker? Doesn’t really matter, I suppose.

This poster is for Cell, in case you can’t read Russian. Is it just me, or are they dressed too nicely for a post-apocalyptic movie? It looks like they just stepped out of a dad clothes catalog. “Two dads were out for a nice stroll… when all of a sudden, the zombies came. This Summer. Sam Jackson and John Cusack are… The Walking Dad.”

I saw this movie at SXSW and loved it, but God forbid they use one of my quotes in the poster. Is it because I occasionally use the word “cum” in my reviews? Yeah, probably. Anyway, the movie is about an improv troupe, and the poster looks exactly like the kind of “silly” group picture improv troupes take after shows, so that makes sense. If an improv troupe ever goes rogue and tries to kill you, the best way to escape would be to distract them with a photo booth. Make sure it’s filled with props. They’d be occupied for hours.

Here’s the first of a series of new Finding Dory posters. After the last batch of posters I pointed out that the character design for a lot of the characters looked pretty lame, with the exception of the octopus. And now this new batch is all focused on the octopus character. Coincidence? I hope this just means the octopus is a major character. I’m always in the mood for scheming octopi.

It looks like Pixar was heavily influenced by the viral video of the octopus climbing out of the tide pool and carrying the crab across land. Makes sense. Octopi are both intriguing and kind of terrifying.

Anyone see this and immediately think of This Boy’s Life? That was also a true story.

Oh hey would you look at that, another movie none of my glowing quotes were good enough for! Well sucks to you too, jerks. There’s also no way I would’ve known the middle person was Sam Neill if I hadn’t seen it. What are they supposed to be looking at here? The sun? That’s dangerous. Their own pull quotes? That’s vain. Also, the boar is the movie for like 25 seconds. False advertising.