Macho Men don’t die, they just get raptured early

Senior Editor
05.20.11 23 Comments

Well this sucks.  Randy “Macho Man” Savage has died after suffering a heart attack while driving at 10 am this morning in (where else), Tampa, Florida. He was 58.

Florida Highway Patrol tells TMZ … Savage was driving his 2009 Jeep Wrangler when he veered across a concrete median … through oncoming traffic … and “collided head-on with a tree.”
Savage was transported to Largo Medical center, where he died from his injuries.
Savage’s wife was a passenger in the vehicle during the collision — but survived with “minor injuries.” She was transported to a different local hospital where she was treated.

A heart attack AND a car wreck, he always was one for excess.  It’s important to remember: Macho Men don’t die, they just get raptured early. (*pours baby oil out on ground, pushes feather boa out to sea*)

You probably weren’t aware of this, but this is what he looked like circa 2010:

Not surprisingly, the professional wrestler who was born Randall Mario Poffo had a more interesting life than his human-Kool-Aid-Man persona might suggest:

Poffo was born in Columbus, Ohio to Angelo Poffo, an Italian American, and Judy, a Jewish American. His father held the World Sit Up record at one point. Apparently, during World War II, he had German prisoners hold his feet down as he was breaking the record. His younger brother is former professional wrestler Lanny Poffo, better known by his ring names “The Genius” and “Leaping Lanny Poffo.”

After college, Randy was a minor league baseball outfielder in the St. Louis Cardinals, Cincinnati Reds, and Chicago White Sox farm systems. He injured his natural (right) throwing shoulder at one point so he learned to throw with his left arm instead.

Savage married Elizabeth Ann Hulette on December 30, 1984. She later became his valet in the WWF; however, they separated in the summer of 1992 and their divorce was finalized on September 18, 1992.

Elizabeth Hulette was found dead in the home of professional wrestler Lex Luger on May 1, 2003, from a drug overdose. According to a 2003 shoot interview with Savage’s brother, Lanny Poffo, Savage has no animosity towards Luger, and feels that Elizabeth brought about her own death due to her drug use. [Wikipedia]

Then there was his rap album, his numerous beefs, etc. etc.  I don’t want to be the jerk who says he was probably no stranger to Human Growth Hormone, but Jesus God, look at the size of those hands:

The man could pleasure a female rhinoceros with those things, and probably did.  I know dead wrestlers is a fast-expanding demographic, but the Macho Man just shot to the top of my list, along with Andre the Giant.

…And at the right time of day, if you listen closely, you can almost hear the wind whistling OOOOOOHHHHH YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH….


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