I hesitate to post this news on April Fool’s Day, the day when cynicism crushes all possibility of wonder, but it doesn’t look like a joke as far as I can see, and the article isn’t from today. Apparently scientists found a Woolly Mammoth skeleton in Siberia last year that was well preserved enough that there’s now a “high chance to clone the mammoth,” an animal that hasn’t roamed the Earth for around 4,000 years, unless you count your mom.

Getty Image
The experts believe they will be able to extract high quality DNA from the remains which have undergone a unique autopsy in Yakutsk, capital of the Sakha Republic.
Radik Khayrullin, vice president of the Russian Association of Medical Anthropologists, said in Yakutsk: ‘The data we are about to receive will give us a high chance to clone the mammoth.’
We must have a reason to do this, as it is one thing to clone it for scientific purpose, and another to clone for the sake of curiosity’.
‘It will be a different mammoth to the one living 43,000 years ago, specially taking into account that there will be interbreeding with a female elephant.’
If and when experiments begin, an elephant will be the surrogate mother, enabling the species to be brought back from the dead.
So, not just a Mammoth, but an elephant-mammoth hybrid. Everyone knows awesome, weird stuff happens when you combine species. Ligers (which are a real thing) are much bigger than either their lion or tiger parents, and tigons, as we all know, eat too much and they smell like poo. Who knows what secrets the mammophant will bring? Telepathy? Keytar skills? An inexhaustible craving for pizza?
Viktoria Egorova, chief of the Research and Clinical Diagnostic Laboratory of the Medical Clinic of North-Eastern Federal University, said: ‘We have dissected the soft tissues of the mammoth – and I must say that we didn’t expect such results. The carcass that is more than 43,000 years old has preserved better than a body of a human buried for six months.
The creature was believed to be aged around 50 or 60 when it died.
The mammoth disappeared from Siberia at the end of the Pleistocene period some 10,000 years ago in circumstances that are a matter of scientific debate.
Climate change and hunting by humans may have been factors. An isolated population of the creature survived on Wrangel Island until around 4,000 years ago. [SiberianTimes via HuffPo]
Well as long as we’re pissing in God’s face I say we start right where we left off and stick these suckers on a big game ranch in Texas once they’re cloned. Then we can blow the shit out of them with fighter jets with truck nutz dangling out the back. YEE HAW, EAT MY SHORTS, NATURE! Tell me that wouldn’t be awesome.
Badly played covers are just terrific.
[www.youtube.com]
If this is some cruel meanspirited April Fools prank I wont be happy
At North-Eastern Federal University, mammoth reanimates you!
/i dont think i’m doing this right.
I’m all for science, but do we really want to let Putin have the world’s first badass prehistoric clone hybrid beast?
Come on, America. Find some extinct animal we can clone first. USA! USA! USA!
Great minds think alike Patty.
I’m just glad I’m not the only one worried about this.
Surely there’s some prehistoric giant bear or sloth or something that we can clone to fight the wooly mammoth clones.
I’m pretty sure good ole American pollution and global warming will be the best thing to fight that hairy russian bitch.
Just wait a couple of years (if that long). Putin will send his army of mammoths stampeding into Western Europe, with Steven Seagal riding on the lead mammoth, wearing his kimono and playing the Soviet Army marching song on his guitar.
Wow, if I had a van I’d hire someone to paint that image on the side.
I assume this’ll work like the Space Race did and by then America will have a defending army of mastodons, being ridden by Mastodon.
…
If Putin can make a mammoth clone, America should be able to clone at least five Macho Men, right?
With all the preservatives in Slim Jims, we just need to find one he snapped into!
I’d say this was an April Fool’s Prank, but I know Russia isn’t known for its sense of humor.
Can I take this opportunity to break down the name you gave this hybrid creation in Latin?
Mammo, from “mamma” – breast
Phant, from “phainein” – to show
You just dubbed this incredible, magnificent beast: “Show Me Your Tits”.
Huh, I know more Latin than I thought.
This is a wonderful contribution to my day. Thank you.
Putin will do this so he can ride it over the Alps.
Also to show up the oligarch with the miniature giraffe.
Clever девица
I’ve reached the point where I don’t even need to play that video anymore before I start giggling like an idiot,
I wish the fuck the Russians would cloan Peter the Great so that the fucking disaster of a country can have a proper ruler at the helm, instead of a bookworm KGB reject with a jumbo Napoleon complex. Peter would first bleed the shit out of all the crevices in Kremlin that still hide any apparatchiks, then slaughter all of the pieces of shit politicians and other criminal types so others wouldn’t get any funny ideas. Then he could actually continue to bring the country into the Reneseance. Sigh. Isn’t there like a jockstrap of Peter’s that we can squeeze the DNA from??? God knows he was free with his, ehh, essence…
You lost everyone at “Cloan”.
I could stand to hear more about this Reneseance. Is that some sort of repeat spirit calling ceremony?
Lemie know when they clone Laura Dern.
I guess they never saw what happened in the movie.
Keep it away from spears.
I mean, spears are ok, right?
IN SOVIET RUSSIA, MAMMOTH WOOLIES YOU!
Maaan mid 90’s Laura Dern was my fucking Khaleesi!!
Turns out it was just last year’s Miss Siberia.