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Do you want to see Steven Seagal do a Southern accent and slit a guy’s throat with a karate chop? Of course you do. All you need to know about this trailer is that it’s called Maximum Conviction, and it stars Steven Seagal and Stone Cold Steve Austin. It hits DVD and Blu-Ray March 18th, and it looks like it was made for about 18 dollars. It opens with Steven Seagal doing a syrupy southern drawl, and if you’ve never heard Steven Seagal’s dialect work before, you’re in for a treat. Russian, Italian, Asian, Latino, American Indian – Steven Seagal can play virtually any race unconvincingly. This time around, it seems they spun the Steven Seagal wheel of jobs and it landed, as it so often does, on “ex-special forces.” Judging by the shemagh scarf thing he wears when training fat, racist Arizonans in tactical paintball, Steven Seagal pretends to be an ex-special forces op on a daily basis, so he should have no problem doing it in a movie (he also claims to have worked with the CIA, incidentally).
Meanwhile, Steve Austin plays a “weapons expert,” and together, they have to fight their way through a “black-site” prison full of high-value detainees when some bad guys take it over and lock them inside. They’re going to need all their wits if they’re going to make it out alive, and all of their punching and kicking. We also get:
- Karate chops to the throat
- Boxed ears
- Ripped-out Adam’s Apples
- Kicks to da groin (danga da danga dang...)
- A move at the 1:10 mark where I think Seagal just gets tired of punching and crushes the guy by taking a rest on top of him with his bloated body.
Pay special attention to the 48-second mark where Seagal actually slits a guy’s throat with a karate chop. GO GO GADGET KNIFE HANDS! It’s funny, I was under the impression that high-value detainees would be mostly bombmakers and terrorist masterminds, you know, guys that plan attacks and stuff. But it turns out, they’re mostly Russian gangsters and big black guys. But Steven Seagal was in the CIA, so I guess he would know this stuff. You learn something new every day.
The only thing that could make this movie better is if they hired the Spin Doctors to come in and do a version of “Two Princes” called “Two Steves.” But I don’t think this production could afford the Spin Doctors.
[Thanks to ThePlaylist for the tip]
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Of course they can’t afford Spin Doctors. Just the insurance rider for the diamond in the one guy’s pocket would blow this budget wide open.
Bad Southern accents are the worst. Has he even been to the South?
Seagal can’t even be sure, what with the not keeping track of space and time thing.
To be fair about the karate chop severing the guys neck, in Japan, the hand CAN be used as a knife.
Try that shit on a tomato.
I’m gonna try it on a coke can. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’m going to assume he really does have some kind of knife implanted into his hand Inspector Gadget-style, only because of how handy it would be in cutting lunch meats and various steak cuts.
Gonorrhea caught Steven Seagal but was ok with it.
Seagal’s opening line in the trailer took several takes because instead of saying “off the grid” he kept defaulting to “off the griddle”.
Everytaaannnnggggggg.
My favorite new fact is that a *lot* of the Arizona volunteers–who will be spending time in and around schools–have criminal records. So Seagal’s involvement is kind of like The Dirty Dozen meets innumerable trips to Sizzler.
What?
That legit marshal dude is Michael Pare who played Eddie in the sand covered turd “Eddie and the Cruisers” and “Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives!” Good to see he’s not dead
This leaked online in December. It’s fantastically Seagal-esque.
Does anyone say “This guy is good!” ? I’m pretty sure that line is in every Seagal movie.
Let’s just send him to Iran and start the Seagal Revolution already. I’d watch that movie.
“If I can change, then y’all can change. Everybody can change!” [muffled whispers from audience] “No I will not take this scarf off!” [front kicks Ayatollah. Farts]
Steve Austin is the “weapons expert”. You can tell by how he turns a propane tank into a missile by smashing it with his fist.
Seagal is a chameleon. Little-known fact: he played Ken Jeong’s character for the first two seasons of “Community”.
“You checked them in you check them out.”
“We’re some other guys here to check them out.”
Segal: “DEY TOOK R JYOBS!”
“I’m gonna take you to the bank, Senator…thuh bluh bank.”
Is Maximum Conviction a thing I wasn’t aware of? Like maybe a special kind of Southern conviction you can have imposed on you? Those two words have never appeared side by side in all my history of words. Could’ve called it Interminable Speculum and have it make as much sense.
On a side note, what if that’s just that guy’s first name on his shirt in that last promo still? Like, his uncle is a real FBI dude and his sister was all, “Gary, you promised to take Marshal to work with you so he could see what you do!” All whiny like.
“Gertie, I told you already that my job is too dangerous. I couldn’t live with the guilt if he met a man who could, I don’t know, slice a man’s throat with the doughy meat of his slow ass hand.”
“So give him a radio or something. He’ll call you and you can come save him.”
“… fine.”
And, scene.
(The part of Gertrude was played in my head by Fran Drescher. Gary, by Eddie Murphy’s impression of Mr. T.)
Can Steven Seagal try stopping a shotgun shell with his teeth next time?
So the trailer covers pretty much the whole entire movie. I enjoyed Steve Austin turning his back on an machine gun firing at him from 3 feet away.
Oh my god. This comes out on my birthday. I know what I’ll be asking for this year!
I don’t know what this March 18th bullshit is. This flick hit DVD/Blu-ray last november. I covered it in the weekly DVD post:
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
and you can buy it from Amazon right now if you’d like.