Stream Them If You’ve Got Them: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, May 1, 2014

We’re back to tough times for streaming. The streaming gods giveth, and they also screw us over. This week is the latter. BUT. You know, we soldier on, we fight for that inch. On this team, we’re not going to play by their rules any more. I can’t think of any more movie lines. Let’s get it on!

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
Sklar Brothers: What Are We Talking About
I legit just made this the top streamer of the week so I could embed the clip below. That’s the type of power I wield, and also the sort of power I squander. Chopper Four!

Trivia: Pretty sure the Sklar Brothers had a show on ESPN. That was weird.
Streamability: I really enjoy comedy on Netflix, so sure. Check out Aziz, Louis C.K., and maybe some Mike Birbiglia. It’s good to laugh, isn’t it?

Old but New to Streaming Netflix Movies for the Recently Born
From Dusk Till Dawn
I just barely remember this film, but I know I dug it. Dug it! Vampires, not the emo ones either, and Salma Hayek at the pinnacle of her powers. A pre-engaged George Clooney, you know, before he was TUCKING IT BACK. Na, just kidding, everyone get married, ideally to a model or George Clooney, if you can swing it.

Streamability: Yes! Especially if you have little ones who you can send to bed early without supper.

Streaming Curiosity

You know what happened here. They saw Los Iron Lady and El Queen figured they’d line right up for their Oscar. But they forgot the most important part! Make a film that’s actually sort watchable. “But wait!”, I hear you saying in Internet land, “How does The Iron Lady fit into equation?” Fair enough, you got me there, but this movie still was not so good, perhaps even worse than that song monstrosity, “Goodbye British Rose”. Shame that, because I love me some Naomi Watts. Hey NW, my pillow is always open for career counseling!

Streamability: If you want to combine a British phrase with a little pun such as, “That really lost the plot on that one”, then sure. Go right ahead.

Streaming Music/Fiction Sort of Movie
Metallica Through the Never
I just feel intrinsically I’m supposed to dislike Metallica, even though I sing “Nothing Else Matters” at the top of my lungs during job interviews (0fer a lifetime so far!). It must be the Lars guy. Just seems really punchable. But I do like music movies and Dane DeHaaaaaaaan’s bangs. Ugh, this is a toughie, a real pickle.
Streamability: Yes, and then tell me how it goes. I want to crowdsource this one.

The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly New to Netflix
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Sometimes Hollywood is like the kid that gets lucky at prom and then calls the guy the next day. Hey G, don’t think you can re-create magic, k bro? To wit, after they inexplicably pulled off the first Bridget Jones, a preposterous tale about a woman writing a diary, they decided to go back to the well three years later. The reason was money, payola, the green god, dubbins, loot. Doesn’t make it right though, does it? And it’s this type of attitude that’s holding our world back. This is the worst thing ever. Everyone involved should be ashamed.
Streamability: Date night!

Physically New, Not Streaming
Labor Day
I was at the Toronto Film Fest (slogan: “Aboooot time you hosers came!”) and had Labor Day on my schedule. Then a bunch of fellow film critics saw it, told me it was terrible, so I marked it off my schedule. That’s my sum experience with the film Labor Day. [Editor’s Note: I saw it. Not great, but terrible is a stretch.]

Streamability: No, probably not.

Physically New, Not Streaming
Legend of Hercules

Another heroic failure (see what I did there?), a triumph of commerce over sense. The people who saw this in theaters include no one you’ve ever met. You could make the case that it lost over $100 million upon release. That’s a lotta cheddar. No wonder they’re not streaming it, they need a few dimwits to purchase the DVD on accident.

Streamability: Absolutely!

Laremy is making a movie that will only be streaming, because he’s too good for theatrical releases and the millions of marketing dollars that come with them.