The Incredible, Interchangeable Films of Steven Seagal: A gallery

Last week on the Frotcast, we stumbled onto the topic of Steven Seagal movies and their interchangeable, generic titles. We challenged you, the reader/listener, to submit your own. I think it all started when I told the story of being home sick from school when I was kid and renting all the Seagal movies I hadn’t seen yet. We rented Out for Justice, which I thought I hadn’t seen, but it turned out Marked for Death, which was still at the video store, was actually the one I hadn’t seen. At which point I cried, because I really had my heart set on watching a new Steven Seagal movie. Or maybe it was the other way around. Or maybe one of them was Hard to Kill. Point being, Steven Seagal movie titles are hilariously similar.

BUT. Did you know just HOW hilariously similar? I’m going to make you a bet. I’m going to bet that no matter how similar you thought Steven Seagal movies were, this gallery of Steven Seagal posters is still going to blow your mind with its hilarious formulaitude. In fact, if I were writing a Steven Seagal movie about writing a Steven Seagal movie, it would go something like this.

By all outward appearances, Jack Steven Seagal Appearances was just a simple janitor. But when a gang of terrorists kidnapped his daughter and stole his collection of ornate saddles, they’d quickly find out… APPEARANCES can be DECEIVING. This Summer. Steven Seagal is… Taking Out the Trash. All he needs is a weapon, a dumb look on his face, and a burning foreign city to stand in front of.

Just to clarify, this entire gallery consists of real Steven Seagal movies that actually exist, not parodies or Photoshops. Well, they are parodies, but not intentional ones. They are glorious. Enjoy.

Behold, the archetypal Steven Seagal movie poster:

  • Three-word title
  • Weapon
  • Stupid look
  • Awesome tagline
  • Burning foreign city

God, I hope his name is “Sgt. Tom Dangerous.”

Actual synopsis:

After serving 6 years for a crime he didn’t commit, Shane Daniels is released from jail with an apology from the State of Arizona. Within hours of his freedom, he unluckily bears witness to a cop killing by Chinese mafia who have a kidnapped girl and a bag of drugmoney. In this action packed thrill ride, Shane agreed to help the girl to get her uncle back to safety.

This one I’m sure you’ve heard of, but it warranted inclusion nonetheless. No, this is not the one where he wants to find out why Jimmy did Bobby Lupo. That was Out for Justice, in which he played Gino Felino. In this one he’s Nico Toscani. Like duh, dude.

Seagalogists refer to the era between 1988 and 1991 as his “Dago Period.”

Actual synopsis:

He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido… and family in the Mafia. He’s a cop with an attitude

BONUS: He sword fights Mexicans in this one!

Another foreign city, but TWO guns this time! My only question: does he play Lt. Jack Force or Colonel Charles Attack?