The two best quotes from Big Mommas House reviews

Big Mommas (NO APOSTROPHE, IT’S PLURAL THIS TIME!): Like Father Like Son is currently drawing an impressive 0% rating on RottenTomatoes.   As a sidenote, the other day TheFilmStage discovered that Martin Lawrence hadn’t had a “Fresh” movie on RottenTomatoes in 21 years.  The last one to get above 50% was House Party in 1990.  Two surprising things about that: (1) Martin Lawrence was in House Party. (2) House Party was 95% recommended on RottenTomatoes.  Seriously.  House Party.

I digress, but my assumption was that because it was so universally reviled, Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son would make a great candidate for our plot-recreated-using-expository-review-quotes game.  Two problems arose: First, the movie didn’t screen for critics in most places (oh God please let Armond White review it eventually), and second, it soon became clear that nothing at all interesting happened in this movie. Nonetheless, thanks to a herculean, borderline miraculous effort on my part, I was able to pull two amazing quotes.

“Faizon Love is the roly poly maintenance man with an eye for Big Momma’s big thighs.” Orlando Sentinel

Faizon Love apparently chose to go uncredited in the part of “Kurtis Kool*,” but anyone who so much as saw the poster knew Faizon Love had to be in there.  Anything else would be grounds for a refund.  And finally, probably my favorite quote of any review ever, which comes to us by way of The Hollywood Reporter.

“The moral here is if you slap a dress on a guy, they will come.”

Wow.  This suddenly sounds pretty ground breaking for a mainstream film.

*I don’t want to get racial here, but isn’t naming a black guy “Kurtis Kool” basically like naming an Italian guy Guiseppe Pizzapie?