This Week In Netflix And Streaming: ‘Blue Lagoon’, ‘Varsity Blues’, And Suckers Getting Punched

Get up, get up, get up, it’s the first of the month! What’s that mean? It means we get a whole new slew of Netflix streamers, films of value and conversation, and it also means we get to embed socialite Matt Lieb doing his Bone Thugs impression:

I wish I had a version of him doing, “First of the Month”. Maybe I’ll ask him for that for Christmas. I should note that I haven’t included any of the normal new releases, your Draft Day and Night Moves, because they are generally forgettable. I reviewed the latter one here if you’re really pining away for the latest dope. Anyway, that bit of housekeeping complete, let’s break down what you should be streaming this weekend, that is when you’re not gorging yourself on NFL Football and quicksand porn:

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
Grosse Pointe Blank
So quotable, such a good soundtrack, John and Joan Cusack at their very best. Hell, even Minnie Driver brought it here. And Dan Ackroyd! Okay, before this becomes a recitation of the credits, it’s fair to say that Gross Pointe Blank played the anti-hero dark comedy fiddle for all it was worth. This is the vibe you’d get from Wolverine if, well, Wolverine was any good. Did I mention Jeremy Piven? At parties I tell people I went the other route, the lead-pipe cruelty route. This is Say Anything, but all grown up, with prescription medication in its grey eyes. Actively love.

Streamability: If you haven’t seen it, and you’ve found yourself liking shows such as You’re the Worst or Dexter, then you owe it to yourself to check this one out.

Fond Remembrances of the Days Before Internet Skin
The Blue Lagoon
There was a time when you couldn’t let your fingers do the walking without first heading off to the video store. This sort of R-rated film would have kept you in business for weeks. The only downside? Trying to figure out where that kid got his blonde perm from. That was constantly distracting. A slightly better, though still not actually great, idealization of this film can be found in The Beach.

Streamability: If you want to play a drinking game where you do a shot every time Brooke Shields does a pouty face OR whenever you think the director probably just included a certain scene to see her topless, then you’ll be able to get very drunk. Which was probably the point anyway.

Football! Football! Football!
Varsity Blues
This has one of the most unrealistic scenes in cinematic history, and I include Falcor, when Jimmy Van Der Beek turns down the girl wearing whipped nothing. On this planet, with a high school boy, even one played by a 25-year-old, that would never happen. Sure, you’d think about your paralyzed friend, but only a little. Only a little.
Streamability: I think it’s been unfairly derided. Plot-wise, it’s not all there, but there are individual scenes of greatness. Everything with the coach and the dad is classic.

Awesome Sauce for the Recently Born
I think this might just be my favorite comedy of all time. I talk about it a lot, probably more than is healthy, but this and Airplane could teach a youngster all there is to know about comic timing. I miss John Candy. And Rick Moranis.

Streamability: Last time I bring it up, promise. Don’t hold an intervention.

Pour Out Liquor
Poetic Justice
Tupac Shakur could act. Janet Jackson could also sort of act. I love that her name was “Justice” in this too, you just know some screenwriter figured, “NAILED IT!” after he thought that little tidbit up. Personally, I would have called Shakur’s character “Street” and made the title Street / Justice. Then I’d have let the dollars roll in, secure that I’d just won at life and writing.

Streamability: Worth a look if you’ve never seen it, if only to realize that Ice Cube is never going to be on the Actor Rapper’s Mt. Rushmore.

The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly
Sucker Punch
If anyone here is familiar with metaphors, in this film a bunch of little girls get sexually assaulted, only they do it under the guise of fantasizing about “dancing”. In a way, it’s a commentary on the chaste / “gettin’ jiggly wit it” paradigm that’s expected of all women in the modern era, but in another way it’s just a really idiotic movie. Even Jon Hamm is awful here, this was clearly just a music video concept gone terribly awry. Sidenote / Endnote: What the heck happened to Emily Browning’s career? She was supposed to be a contender, but if you watch this and Sleeping Beauty (not what you think it is, trust me) back-to-back then you’ll realize whoever picked her scripts was pretty mad at her.

Streamability: Never again, unless you’ve been getting your hopes too high for Batman vs. Superman and need some cold water splashed on you.

Laremy is a Miami Dolphins fan, which, come to think of it, explains an awful lot.