This Week In Netflix And Streaming: ‘Mean Girls,’ ‘Left Behind,’ And ‘Batman And Robin’

Top Netflix Streaming of the Week
Mean Girls
The following is a true story – I grew up on “Party of Five”. No, not like on the set, I mean I grew up loving the show because it allowed me to feel a week’s worth of emotions in five to ten minutes worth of television programming. Then I could go back to being dead inside. Anyway, clearly Claudia Salinger was my absolute jam, played by the little dynamo that was/is Lacey Chabert. Fast forward to last year, where through random happenstance I got to meet Ms. Chabert through a mutual acquaintance. Now lookit, I’ve met all manner of celebs (said the pretentious jerk) but there’s something about meeting the gal who saw you through the dark times via Kate Bush tracks smoothly layered into substance abuse drama. Anyway, I played it totally cool. You know, all “Whatever, I’m cool.” But I wasn’t cool you guys, not internally. It was a mess in there. Do you think she would have read some “Po5” lines with me? Yeah. Probably not. Anyway, welcome back to the streaming column! It’s 2015, y’all! Ramblings and streaming!

Another Great Netflix Streaming of the Week
Reese Witherspoon is rangy like a free range chicken. She was the driven teen monster here. There’s a movie in theaters now where she walks a lot. She was John Cash’s wife. I really do love Election though, maybe because Matt Broderick has a huge eye zit. I’m a sucker for that type of content.

Top Netflix Streaming of the Week about FedEx
Cast Away
Wilson! Wilson! There’s no one who didn’t cry at that moment, except maybe cyborgs. And even some of those leaked a little oil. How about that scene where he knocks his frickin’ tooth out with an ice skate? Hmmm, I think I might be turning into Chris Farley. Trivia: Did you know the Cast Away execs (since passed away) approached UPS first with this story. And UPS told ’em to go fly, jog on. I’m not sure if that was a mistake or not, after FedEx did kind of crash a plane in this film. Tough call.

Top Netflix Streaming Debacle of the Week
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
This was a shell of a movie, which is a shame because I was a huge Jack Ryan fan. The Hunt for the Red October was handled with maximum aplomb. Very enjoyable. Patriot Games slipped a little, and The Clear and Present Danger is largely forgettable. Where did they even get this origin story? And what the hell is a shadow recruit? Kevin Costner is in this mess, as well as your girl Keira Knightley, and throughout the film they play with this idea that Knightley might be a double agent. They never commit, because the script was written by proxy, but it’s there as a Shadow Movie if you care to watch. But you shouldn’t. Seriously.

Another Streaming Nightmare of the Week
Batman & Robin
This is the one with Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Benjamin Netanyahu. No idea why that last guy did a cameo. I remember at the time we all kind of acted like we liked this, in the same way that the crowd around the pool in Almost Famous acted like they liked the guitarist screaming, “I’m about the music, man.” But in reality this sucked on wheels. I don’t know why anyone would watch it anymore, but now you can! Do I see a new Netflix advertising campaign built around that premise?

Top Netflix Streaming Drama of the Week
Get Low
A very solid film that no one saw. It’s about a Tennessee hermit, and dammit, they don’t make enough of those films. Fella wants to hold his funeral before he dies, which isn’t a terrible idea come to think of it. Bill Murray is a great lawyer/enabler here. Bobby Duvall is solid as well. It goes off the rails a bit in the end, but if you like slow (not a ding) dramas with a little personality you could do far worse.

Top Netflix Streaming 420 of the Week
Do people get high while they watch this? They must.

Top Paid Streaming of the Week
Boyhood ($4.99, Amazon)
This is your presumptive Best Picture Winner. I’m just as shocked as you are, I saw it, enjoyed it, and then figured it would never be heard from again. But here we are in January, and we’re hearing of it. From me. The method was damned impressive, a dozen years in the making, little vignettes of a boy living in the hood. Truly a lovely film, though maybe not one you’d watch twice. It’s art-house, a Best Picture Winner, the culmination of a very strange year in cinema.

Top Paid Streaming Spectacle of the Week
Left Behind ($3.99, Amazon)
Winner! I can’t get enough. The girl in this was the lady in Hall Pass who offered her assets to Owen Wilson. If this ever happened I’d definitely be Left Behind.

That is all for now. You can follow me on Twitter (@Laremy) for more just like this. But it’s not a deal breaker either way.