This Week In Netflix And Streaming: ‘The Bling Ring,’ ‘Gone Girl,’ And ‘Sliding Doors’

Streams, streams, everywhere the streams. It’s not a great crop this weekend, not genetically modified corn, but it’s not a terrible one either, like soybeans (I’m allergic, you might frickin’ love ’em). We’ve got murder on the mind, grand larceny, and Paltrow back when she had her fastball working. Why don’t we just bail out on this intro, phone it in, and get to the streamable content? I think that will be fun!

Top Netflix Streaming of the Week
The Bling Ring
Not a good movie, though it masquerades as one the first 20 minutes or so. [Vince’s Note: The horror, the horror…] Oddly, after those 20 minutes, it just repeats the same 20 minutes about four more times. Rich kids robbing even richer kids for profit and enjoyment. Sofia Coppola directed, she was in Godfather 3, and I’ll admit to being sweet on her, plus, you know, Emma Watson. All that still wasn’t enough to make this work.

Wait a minute. Wait one GD minute. This isn’t the Coppola 2013 version? This is the 2011 version, sans Emma Watson? Well that’s just false advertising. How do you remake a film that’s 45 minutes old? This is very frustrating.

Top Netflix Murder of the Week
Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy
Did she do it? I vote no. But she lives pretty close to me, and although we don’t hang out for coffee I’m inclined to believe a Pacific Northwesterner. Plus, she said she didn’t do it. The defense rests. They reported breathlessly about this trial for a long time, and it seems like something happened (#HOTTAKE) but I’ll be damned if I know or care enough to find out. Maybe you could do the research here and report back, completely randomly, on another streaming column down the line.

Top Netflix Streaming Documentary of the Week
When I put this on the list I thought it was the Idris Elba film. It’s not. This is what it’s about:

A focuses on real-life people whose lives are made far from regular by anxiety disorders illuminates the disease and therapy that can provide relief.

That doesn’t sound like too festive a Friday night. Couldn’t find a trailer either. This week is really going off the rails. I blame having to prep for LIVE TELEVISION due to the Oscar noms. You create something like inward singing!

Top Netflix Memory of the Week
Sliding Doors
Love this film. It’s about Gwyneth Paltrow’s British accent and her life on two different time tracks. I joke, but I did love it in theaters. Haven’t seen it since, so maybe that was just boy-Laremy getting all sappy, before the world taught me a few harsh lessons about Vince’s mom.
Note: this trailer is so old school. The voiceover is preposterous.

Top Netflix Quasi-Realism of the Week
American Pickers
I used to watch this show, it’s about a Hobbit and his Elfen deal finder, but it became predictable. They’d happen upon some shut-in with seventeen garages full of tripe, and then they’d find the vintage racist Coca-Cola sign or something – wheedling him down from his opening ask of $25,000 to $15.60 plus applicable sales tax. As they drove out they’d laugh about the poor fool and then sell the sign for $1.2 million dollars. Next week on “Pickers”, the same thing! I don’t know man, that doesn’t seem terribly realistic, even if I am overstating the numbers as a COMIC BIT.

Top Netflix Television of the Week
What is Mark Wahlberg even doing? I mean, he’s got “Entourage” and the movie Entourage and he’s a Lone Survivor and a Gambler and so many other things. He just don’t quit. I know he’s also seeking clemency for a crime he committed as a wee lad, my guess is so he can vote. Your life is really something if you’re chasing after the dream of being able to vote for one idiot versus another idiot. I haven’t watched this show. I’m not sure why anyone would. But I hope it features the Wahlburg who was creepy in The Sixth Sense. As far as I’m concerned, he is the underrated Buffalo Bill of our time.

Top Paid Title of the Week
Gone Girl (Amazon, $4.99)
As we talk about the double G it’s fair to note that this features a dream girl. Rosamund Pike plays Amy, and Amy is smart, driven, capable, and totally psychotic. It’s like Taylor Swift says, “Men only want love if it’s torture.” Now then, I don’t want a ball gag in my mouth or anything, but the idea that you could take a shower with a woman covered in blood who also has it covered is somewhat appealing. I mean, you don’t really have to bother planning brunch if your wife is 15 steps ahead, and has already planned to murder you or order the Eggs Benedict.

I imagine this is the feeling the laaaaaaadieeeees are chasing when they read 50 Shades of Grey, a billionaire who anticipates everything all the while laying the pipe in the bedroom. If you threw in Vince’s jujitsu training you’d probably have the perfect man, at least when he’s not wearing his blogger jorts.

What I’m saying here is to give Gone Girl a shot. I think you’ll come away with some great relationship pointers.

So not an amazing weekend, I think they are expecting you to watch the NFL playoffs. If not, you might want to just check out Mozart in the Jungle if you have Amazon Prime. I liked that one.

That’s all for now. Love you guys!

Laremy is on Twitter and has a heart the size of the heart of the ocean.