This Week in Posters

AFTERNOON DELIGHT: The trailer for this one hit the other day, so that’s after the jump. But since this feature is about posters, let’s talk about that. I’m not sure I like the neon light approach to this one. For one thing, the poster seems to depict a problem marriage, but the mysterious cure for this common marriage seems pretty obvious: buy that broad her own laptop! That way, instead of sitting there all bored and neglected with no one to keep her company but her Jamba Juice, BOOM, you’re LAN partyin’.

If it were up to me, Kathryn Hahn would be enjoying Melissa McCarthy levels of fame right now. She is wonderful.

I posted this yesterday, but here it is again, courtesy of LatinoReview, Benicio Del Toro as Pablo Escobar in Paradise Lost.

“Hola, señor. Me llamo Pablo Escobar, and eef eet please ju, I gwanna take a peetchor ub jour privates.”

“Better listen to him, honey, it’s Pablo Escobar.” (*reluctantly pulls down pants*)

Aw, look at all the cute people I’ve never seen before. You think they’re gonna, like… do it?

“Memory loves company.” I have no idea what that means, do you? Does it actually fit the movie, or does it just kind of rhyme? Other things that love company: melody, misandry, Middlebury, machinery, military, miscreantry, moxy, malady, melamine…

When your name is “Morris Chestnut,” you can’t not be a handsome black man. It’s inevitable.

I posted the trailer for this yesterday, and it looks delightful. It’s interesting that the same animators are so brilliant at making monsters look charming and cute, but tend to make people grotesque and unpleasant. Just compare the character design in this to ParaNorman, from the same studio. See also: The Croods vs. Monsters University. Basically, all animated films should be about monsters, talking animals, or sentient household objects, not people. People are sucky piles of dildos and I’ve seen plenty of them already, believe me.

This looks like a made for PBS movie. I feel like I’d start watching this, and by the end I’d be driving a Suburu and have leather patches on my elbows.Ooh, a film about how dumb most conspiracy theories are? That could be a nice palate cleanser after Room 237.

A documentary about conspiracy theories takes a horrific turn after the filmmakers uncover an ancient and dangerous secret society.

Oh, okay, or that. Anyway, cool poster.

This is definitely the most “different” poster this week, and I appreciate that.  “Okay, people, how we sell this movie? Ideas?”

“Hmmm… confused woman eating Cheerios?”


Still, I know nothing about this film and IMDB wasn’t much help. Also, “Wiggly Oh’s”? What?

Instead of watching Despicable Me 2, I’d love to see a documentary where you took Despicable Me posters to third world villages and had the people try to guess what it was about. “It is about… villainous Jew and his sentient testicles?”

Well, Princess Diana did love the D. OH! (*smokes cigarette behind the head*)

This looks like a composite of all the worst tattoos.

Well I definitely know what the movie’s about, I’ll give it that. By the way, does anyone actually finger their temples when they’re concentrating extra hard in real life? Ten bucks Einstein never pulled that crap.

Aside from the fact that it’s called “jOBS,” aside from the fact that it stars Ashton Kutcher, aside from the fact that the director once wrote a movie for A Talking Cat?!? director David DeCoteau, now the poster just shows the subject and none of the cast. MY GOD, WE’VE RUN OUT OF RED FLAGS!

More and more, I get the feeling Six Degrees of David DeCoteau would be way more interesting than the Kevin Bacon version.

DEEPTHROAT: “The truth goes deeper than you think.”

Actually, I think the last part of the tagline got cut off. “The truth goes deeper than you think. Balls deep.”

NOPE NOPE NOPE. Pass. Definitely pass.

Okay, I know this one is technically TV, but I really enjoyed Frotcast Bret‘s take on it: “Even the posters for Newsroom are full of dimwitted smugness. It is Sorkin’s Lady In The Water – a sloppy, nostalgic love-letter to himself.”

So true. I’ve liked a lot of Aaron Sorkin’s stuff in the past, but something about The Newsroom just lays bare his smarmy self-satisfaction in a way that makes me notice it even in places where it snuck by me the first time around.


“Superdeafy?” Uh… what? I don’t know if it’s the poster, or the fact that there’s something called “SuperDeafy,” but I absolutely had to know more, so… mission accomplished.

SUPERDEAFY – THE MOVIE is a feature film starring John Maucere featuring Academy Award winner Marlee Matlin which tells the story of the evolution of the world’s first deaf superhero. The film is being directed by Troy Kotsur, produced by Hilari Scarl and Doug Matejka, executive produced by Liz Tannebaum, Paul Maucere and John Maucere and distributed by DeafNation in theaters fall 2013.

I guess I’m just a little surprised that “deafy” is an empowering term for the deaf. Even as an insult it’s pretty lazy.


Here’s the first still from A Normal Heart, starring Mark Ruffalo and Taylor Kitsch.

Glee, American Horror Story, Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy directs the HBO film adaptation of the Tony-winning Larry Kramer play of the same name, which chronicles the rise of HIV/AIDS among New York’s gay community in the 1980s. Kramer wrote the screenplay for the pic, which boasts an impressive ensemble cast that includes Julia Roberts, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Kitsch, Matt Bomer (White Collar), Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), and Jonathan Groff (Glee). [Collider]

Yeah, being a gay New Yorker in the 80s seems like it went from insanely awesome to insanely terrifying in a hurry. Hard to even imagine. In any case, I like to think Kitsch is playing “John Carter of Bars.”

Here’s an Asian poster for Pacific Rim. I like how the smashed bridge looks like a giant robot boner. I doubt that was accidental.

“Gipsy Danger?” Who came up with that one, Borat? You can’t just switch a vowel on an ethnicity and pretend it’s not offensive anymore, you greasy Maxicans.

So the Godzilla things have names and attributes now too? Man, this is going to be videogame-tastic. “John! Take the space rifle! You’ll get +25 hit points!”

Leave it to the Australian robot to be all, “Thet’s not a knoife….”


This guy kind of looks like Danny DeVito. And what are those blocks down there he’s kicking up? Are those supposed to be buildings?

I also like that all the Pacific Rim posters have that same helicopter down there. “Don’t do it, Jenkins! It’s a suicide mission!”

“Maybe so, sir. But goddammit, someone’s gotta get down there and provide the illusion of scale.”

Here’s the poster for Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters. If I had to describe this concept, I’d say “it’s like Sharknado on a boat.”

I didn’t get around to posting the trailer for this when it hit the other day, but the gist is, someone kidnaps some kids. Hugh Jackman goes into psycho vigilante mode, but Terrence Howard is all, “Nah, man, let’s just play some jazz and get our kids back with good vibes, ya dig?”

Meanwhile, Jake Gyllenhaal plays, I shit you not, “Detective Loki.”

Uh, what? What’s the bad guy’s name, Professor Chaos?

You can pretty much tell whether Hugh Jackman is supposed to be a good guy by the amount of facial hair. Sidenote: This was exec produced by Mark Wahlberg.

Oh man, this is gonna be awesome. “Survival is his revenge. Revenge is his survival. The world is his oyster. Sibilance is his destiny. Tumescence is his trisomy. Obsolescence is his dictionary. Defenestration is his FAFSA Form.”

Passion. Glory. Incredibly chiseled features. This summer. I want you to smolder me, as Hard. As. You Can.

“Everyone’s driven by something. Take cars for example…”

Daniel Brühl looks like he’s trying to shoot lasers out of his forehead. There’s a fine line between determination and delusions of mind bullets, bros.

At least they got the names lined up.

I love when critics just make a nice little adjective slaw and call it analysis, and then get positive reinforcement for it. Ten bucks for anyone who can tell me what the hell “bottom-line ingenuity” means as it relates to a movie.

I really liked this movie, but they’re screwing up the marketing. This movie features Sam Rockwell in perhaps his Rockwelliest performance to date, one of those instances where performer and character become indistinguishable from one another, like a cosmic eclipse. One of my favorite actor/role combinations since John C. Reilly in Cedar Rapids.  The marketing for this should be nothing but Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell looking scruffy, Sam Rockwell wearing a cool hat, Sam Rockwell on a boat, Sam Rockwell driving a golf cart, Sam Rockwell on a hot air balloon, Sam Rockwell doing a little dance…

Basically, just this on an endless loop:

[all posters via IMPA, unless otherwise noted]