This Week in Posters and Stills: Rock of Ages still looks awful

THIS WEEK: This week, we’ve got a ton of new posters and stills, including Anthony Hopkins as Alfred Hitchcock, Spider-Man, Prometheus and more, so don’t just stop at the first page.

ABOVE: I did my best to make the Rock of Ages poster tolerable. How’d I do? Squatting Al Pacino, the Asian World Cup Kid, and Michael Bay’s tiger go a long way, but look at that pose Russell Brand is doing. You could put that in the Godfather poster and people would be like “Fuuuuuck this.”

See? Here’s the original. The movie looks great if you ever wanted to see fruity theater kids over-act to even shittier covers of shitty music from the 80s. It’s too bad the title “Coyote Ugly” was already taken, because if ever there was a movie I’d gnaw my own arm off to get out of, it’s this one.



I might be into this if I could tell it wasn’t taking itself too seriously. Right now it looks about as tongue in cheek as the Ayatollah.

Here’s a new still from The Amazing Spider-Man. I hope the next shot is of Spider-Man holding his arm next to his crotch like a cock while pretending to jack it off and shooting web jizz on everyone, because that’s probably the first thing I’d do if I was Spider-Man.

I’m very immature.

[via ThePlaylist]

Here’s Anthony Hopkins as Alfred Hitchcock in Sacha Gervasi’s Hitchcock.

Directed by Sacha Gervasi, the feature will explore the psyche of Alfred Hitchcock as it follows the complicated filming of Psycho in 1960. Helen Mirren plays the filmmaker’s wife, Alma, while Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel play actresses Janet Leigh and Vera Miles respectively. James D’Arcy portrays Anthony Perkins, whose interpretation of the psychopath Norman Bates became one of his most famous. [Yahoo]


You can tell he’s super serious by the way he keeps his head tilted downwards like that. What is it about keeping your head tilted downwards that makes you a badass? All I know is that according to movies, looking out of the center of your eyeballs is a mega bitch move.

So you guys think this is going to be a huge flop or what? It’s hard to go wrong with a Spider-Man movie, commercially, but I don’t know, I’m sensing mass apathy for this one. Am I crazy? No one chose it as a bomb pick for our Fantasy Summer Box Office Game, but speaking for myself, the only reason I didn’t was that it didn’t cost much.

It’s like your sister in that way.

So Rebecca Hall went from starring opposite Ben Affleck and Jeremy Renner in The Town to this? I don’t know who Chandler Canterbury is, but that name would make the Lacrosse All-Name Team first ballot for sure. It could just be the font, but this poster makes it look like a direct-to-DVD American Pie sequel. Which is a shame, because the trailer doesn’t look half bad.

I still can’t get over the fact that they had the time to make sure we all knew Battleship and Hasbro are registered trademarks, but not enough time to stick a comma somewhere in “FROM HASBRO THE COMPANY THAT BROUGHT YOU TRANSFORMERS.” It’s like that dumb guy who’s really mad at you on the internet but you can’t take him seriously because it’s impossible to read his words without picturing a malfunctioning robot. I AM VERY ANGRY DUDE YOUR A DOUCHE F*CK YOU BRO I’M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE NOW GONNA MESS YOU UP BRO MEEP MORP

Also, everything about this poster is a disaster.

Again, I point out that I can’t tell if the main girl from Brave is 10-years-old or 30. She has the head of a baby and the body of a basketball player.

I enjoyed this poster so much I stopped and dedicated an entire post to it. You can’t see shirtless Faizon Love and not think “fun.” Shirtless Faizon Love is a dog in sunglasses personified.

DAYUMMM! This one’s the first still for High School, which asks the question, “What if we made a white version of Budz House?”

Holy hell, is that Adrien Brody? Jesus, it is. I need to go lie down. This is… all happening too fast.

Same question as with Budz House: HOW IS THIS NOT OPENING ON 4/20? These stoners can’t do anything right.

Does anyone else see a billowing red dress in a poster and automatically think “overwrought piece of shit?” Neil Jordan is the director of The Crying Game and that Colin Farrell mermaid movie, incidentally. It was a total cock block to call this “Byzantium” and then make it about vampires, because I would watch literally anything set during the Byzantine Empire. Especially if it has a map or an old oil painting during the credits, that stuff is Vince crack. I will watch pretty much any period piece. Which you can tell because I DVR The Borgias. I think that’s actually The Borgias tagline , “The Borgias: literally any period piece.” And it is most definitely overwrought and shitty. Incidentally, Neil Jordan created The Borgias. And we’ve come full circle. Okay, overwrought and strangely watchable might be a fairer description.

WITNESS: The most generic poster of all time.

THIS SUMMER… A MOVIE… Starring ACTORS! “They shot it with cameras!” says Pete Hammond. Rolling Stone adds “Projected onto a screen in a theater!”

“Okay, gang, I’ve called this meeting to brainstorm ideas for how we can keep this Diary of a Wimpy Kid franchise going. I mean, he’s a kid, he’s wimpy, he’s got a diary – after two movies, I think people get it. How can we squeeze more content out of this?”

(*assistant raises hand*)

“…Um, we could… add a dog, and call it ‘Dog Days?'”

“Goddammit, people, that’s why Jenkins is getting a raise. Now who wants cocaine?”

Get it? Because he’s like, a big deal.

Here’s a still from Ender’s Game, a sci-fi picture starring Harrison Ford and Viola Davis. I haven’t read the book, so sue me.

Author Orson Scott Card wrote about multimedia tablets, the power held by the written word on the internet and electronic monitoring devices in his 1985 novel.  These things are, more or less, commonplace today.  So it’s fitting that these new images from the Ender’s Game film production show this technology not as obtrusive, but as practical.  One of the understated but necessary devices is “the monitor,” an implant that connects Andrew “Ender” Wiggin to his overseers. [Collider]

Oh sure, the plug is always on the brain stem. Why not make it somewhere creative, like a third nipple? Anyway, I’ve got nothing to say about this one. Call it “Fassbender’s Game” and I’m there.

Isn’t Yoni Netanyahu that Australian dude with the crazy hair? I’ll see this. I always wondered what happened to that guy.

“The Highest Pass is within us this journey to realize that.” So, is that the secret to enlightenment now? You just take a normal sentence and switch the words around so they make no sense but kind of sound like they might be profound if you could understand them? LOOK OUT, DEEPAK CHOPRA! I’M ON TO YOUR TRICKS!

This movie is about the invention of the vibrator. Check out that broad at the bottom, she’s totally drilling herself right now. I imagine all Victorian ladies wore elaborate hats like that while vibratoring themselves. Masturbating was like opening day at the races back then.


I can’t even tell if she’s pretty anymore, all I can think about when I look at her is her awful nose voice.

I love Zac Efron movies if only because I cannot WAIT to do a Plot Recreated with Reviews for this.

It’s probably not Kerouac’s fault that advertising has been driving this into the ground for the last 60 years, but any “____ is ____” statement is meaningless. If those two things were the same, they’d be the same word. Remember “impossible is nothing?” That doesn’t even make sense.

If they wanted to show “desirous of everything at the same time” they should’ve showed him eating a sandwich while playing XBox and getting a BJ. Okay, this may have just gotten a little cathartic.

“Sometimes in life the odds are in your favour.”

With that tagline and this poster, I want this to be a version of The Hunger Games where horses battle to the death, but somehow I doubt that’s the case.

That’s just nice retro schlock right there.

They’re going to make 20 of these, aren’t they.

I find Fassbender’s pleasantly-amused robot face almost as mesmerizing as his dong. Still, the poster can’t hold a candle to the screencap of him smelling flowers:


Another Prometheus viral image. I assume this is the pod inside Prometheus (the name of the space ship) that people ride in.

Apparently “bionomic” is another word for ecological. Sounds cool though.

ION PLASMA WEAPONS! I wonder who the first guy was to put “plasma gun” into his futuristic videogame or movie. That guy should be getting royalties. Because I don’t even know how a “plasma gun” would even work (OH NO, HE’S TURNED ME INTO A FLATSCREEN!) but it shows up in EVERYTHING.

So… was I supposed to be crying already?

Here’s the Spanish poster for The Raven, my Bomb pick for this year’s Fantasy Summer Box Office contest. I think I’m screwed, because the budget isn’t that big, and horror-type movies are usually front-loaded. As for the poster, it seems to suggest that “Cuervo” is Spanish for raven, which I never realized. Does that mean Jose Cuervo is Spanish for “Joe Raven?” Sounds so much less fancy. Joe Raven could be like a regional Criss Angel. “Coming this week, to the Nebraska state fair…”

This movie looks like an Ed Hardy nightmare, but the crow suit is kind of cool.

I should probably watch this. I probably know less about hip hop than Ron Paul.