FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Vin Diesel And James Bond And Johnny Depp Oh My

This Week in Posters is back, and it’s a great week to be a movie poster. We’ve got Vin Diesel looking ridiculous, Nic Cage holding a flashlight for no reason, and praise be to God, someone actually lined up names and faces for once. It’s like poster designers have been reading these or something. Read on!

First up, we’ve got Pursuit, a movie whose producers were probably pissed when they heard about Hot Pursuit. I’m getting a Run Lola Run vibe from this poster (what with the wigs and the guns and whatnot), but mostly all I can focus on is the pistol guy over there on the left. He looks less like a guy who might shoot me than a sorority girl doing a “Charlie’s Angels” pose in a photo booth. His gun says “put your hands up” but his body language says “Hey, girl.”

PRUEBA DE FUEGO! Who knew “The Scorch Trials” would sound so much better in Spanish? Then again, almost anything sounds better than “The Scorch Trials,” which makes me laugh every time I read it. Also, I was really hoping the Spanish title would be “The Maze Runner: El Scorcho.”

Listenin’ to Cio-Cio San, runnin mazes all over agaaaain.

This is a great looking poster, but after Black Swan I probably expect too much of my ballerina movies (“no scissoring? No thank you.”). I think I’m most intrigued by “Urban Romances Presents” part of it. Here’s the synopsis:

A feature documentary on African American ballerina Misty Copeland that examines her prodigious rise, her potentially career ending injury alongside themes of race and body image in the elite ballet world.

Eh, I guess a documentary is cool, though I was hoping for an urban romance novel adaptation. One of my greatest regrets is never having read an urban romance novel. I Googled “urban romance novel” and this was one of the first things that popped up. DMX and LL Cool J are listed in the acknowledgements.

Johnny Depp is clearly in body-transformation-awards-movie mode to try to make us forget his last five years of reaction shot movies. I’m okay with that. But what really intrigues me is the fact that they actually lined up all the names with the faces. See?? That wasn’t so hard, was it??!

I see Kurt Russell is trying to squeeze all the roles he can out of his Hateful Eight facial hair.

Four men set out in the Wild West to rescue a group of captives from cannibalistic cave dwellers. [IMDB]

I would never have gotten that from this poster, but I’m intrigued.

Cate Blanchett and the director of I’m Not There, and the poster is just two women staring in different directions. Hard pass.

I’m digging these yearbook-style posters for Cooties, which give just enough info to intrigue while leaving us mostly confused.

A mysterious virus hits an isolated elementary school, transforming the kids into a feral swarm of mass savages. An unlikely hero must lead a motley band of teachers in the fight of their lives. [IMDB]

Elijah Wood seems to always play “guy reacting to crazy things,” but if Sin City and Eternal Sunshine taught us anything, it’s that Elijah Wood is at his best when he’s playing the sick one. I don’t buy him as the straight man, I buy him as the creepo jacking off in the bushes. That’s not a bad thing to be, by the way, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giamatti are the same way.

Hey, remember Rainn Wilson? I’m glad he’s back. It can’t Rainn all the time.

I was intrigued by the odd inscrutableness of these posters, but the social studies teacher holding a joke book in his yearbook photo might be a bridge too far. Can someone explain this to me?

I like to imagine “the 5th wave” refers to feminism. “They smashed the patriarchy and everything went nuts! The trees died, cars rained from the skies… it was madness!”

By the way, would you have ever guessed that was Chloë Moretz in this poster? I wouldn’t have.

These young adults, it’s like everything is the end of the world to them.

“Based on 1000 true stories.” That’s a new one. Interesting strategy. “This story is so universal, veterans will be bored before it even starts.”

Oh, Maggie Smith. Such a firecracker, and also a kick in the pants. I wonder if she’s driving around with an entire exotic marigold hotel in that thing.

A Vin Diesel movie called “The Last Witch Hunter” with a poster that looks like an Affliction shirt? Yes, please. If I ever had to try to explain to a deaf person what Godsmack sounds like, I would show them this poster.

Oh thank God, finally that Leatherface origin story everyone’s been clamoring for. I mean, I like the whole “psychotic masked man indiscriminately murdering people with a chainsaw” thing, but the big question has always been “what was he like in middle school?”

This looks like one of those “turn off your cell phone” bumpers that starts off looking like a regular trailer until you realize it’s just a generic fake trailer warning you not to bother others during the movie.

I gather that this is getting good reviews.

It’s weird that FNB is featured prominently, considering it’s just a made-up political consulting firm that we haven’t heard of yet. Also, it looks like they tried really hard to turn Sandra Bullock into Carmen San Diego.

And here we have the Peter Pan origin story (have they and Leatherface been sharing taglines?) starring a fabulously wealthy white girl as a Native American princess and Garret Hedlund doing… whatever it is he’s doing here.

That’s a very athletic stance he’s taking. I was staring at this pose for a while trying to figure it out, and I think that at a certain level of fabulousness you just always have to be prepared for a dance fight to break out. Keep those hands loose so you can do spirit fingers at a moment’s notice.

I envy Vincent Cassel. I’d love to be kind of ugly but so French that I’m beautiful.

I have such a hard on for Cold War stories that just the sight of a bad suit under the Soviet flag gets me all excited. It will be interesting to see how they do this. The complexion looks Dallas Buyer’s Club-esque and the tagline is more Cinderella Man. Either will be tough to pull off in a story about a guy who got gradually more and more crotchety and started hating Jews.

Nic Cage is to flashlights as Steven Seagal is to guns. The titles are just as easy to make up too. Just throw in “ghost,” “witch,” “sorcerer,” etc. The Sorcerer’s Witch. On Ghostly Witches. Too Fat To Magic.

Daniel Craig seems kind of bored to be in these Bond posters and I don’t blame him. What am I supposed to be excited about? The carnation? His weird lips? After Man From U.N.C.L.E. and Mission Impossible V I have to wonder why we even still have Bond. Other people are doing it better at this point. But, hey, one man’s opinion. What do I know? I’m just a dude who doesn’t get off at the mere mention of Q or Moneypenny.

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