FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Is Giving Strong IOIs

Kicking off this week’s This Week in Posters, it’s Fifty Shades Of Grey, the movie adaptation of that Twilight fan fiction-cum-international bestselling book series. I still can’t believe that sentence is true. What a world, man, what a world. It opens February 13th, and stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, who won’t hang dong.

Anyway, if biting your lip wasn’t universal code for “I want you to do me now please” before, it is now. So be careful, ladies, and God help you if you just happen to have an itchy lip one day. Guys love to complain about women claiming they want to be so self-sufficient and independent and then turning out in droves for every movie/book/TV show where a dude in a suit makes the female protagonist obey his every word.

I suppose I can understand how that might be confusing, but I think the easy way to clear up this confusion is to remember that the fantasy isn’t so much about a (hot, rich, impeccably dressed) dude who orders a woman around, it’s about a (hot, rich, impeccably dressed) dude who can always read a woman’s mind and tells her to do exactly what she wants to do before she even knows she wants it. Can’t decide on a lunch restaurant? Just ask the magic rich dude, who knows your true desires before you do. He’s not domineering so much as empathetic to the point that it’s a superpower. Of course, I am neither hot, rich, nor impeccably dressed, so what do I know. You ask me what outfit you should wear to the party and I’m just going to get wide eyed and start sweating, convinced that this is some kind of trap.

As for the poster, specifically, I know the focal point is supposed to be the lips, but all I can think about is her creepily featureless chest. Is there supposed to be a hint of an hourglass figure in the white space, or does she just have a chest like a Ken doll’s crotch? Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be checking under my laptop for the boobs.

“It takes a team to build a dream” would’ve been a great tagline for Inception. As for the poster, I don’t know how many Oscars Marisa Tomei has to win before they’ll put her on the damn poster. Also, why are they carrying George Lopez through an empty field? I bet George Lopez would have a great joke about this. I could think of it for him, but it’d just seem racist.

We’ve already had a lot of fun with this poster.

Look, you can’t give us that much crowd space to work with and expect us not to work Channing Tatum in there, you just can’t. Anyway, great poster, but I’d like to think we made it even better. It was all awardsy and serious before, now it’s just fun, you know?

I am very sorry for this.

I was trying to figure out what city this is – the needley building looked sort of like the TV tower in Berlin, but then the building on the right with the square hole in it looks like one in Dubai. But if it’s Dubai, where is the Burj Dubai and that one hotel shaped like a sail? I know this is a movie about a giant octopus attacking some penguins coming out of a manhole, but for some reason the geography was really important to me. Anyway, that’s how I spent 30 minutes of my day.

I chuckled at this poster before I even knew what it was. Does that make me a monster? Am I wrong for chuckling at Paddington and his droll reaction to the hijinks around him? Because based on the hip, shorthand-style name “Paddington” and the fact that Colin Firth dropped out in post-production, I assumed this movie was going to be soulless and horrible, but God help me, I’m finding it strangely charming.

FUTURA FOR LIFE, YO.

Yes, this is a movie about the dangers of social media, and the tagline is “Everyone’s searching for a better connection.”

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