This Week in Posters: God Bless Spring Breakers

This week in posters is back, and just in time for some new Spring Breakers posters. I’ll be honest, I’m struggling to say anything about this besides Ashley Benson’s name while I bit my knuckle, but instead I’ll simply say that a teeny-bopper movie with a bunch of Disney Channel queens from notorious dicknosers Harmony Korine and James Franco is something I’d pay at least double the price of admission for. I’m dying to know what glorious dicknose is in store for us with this one.

Also, these chicks are all like 18 to 22, aren’t they? Do we really need all the airbrushing? Cut it out with the filters, I want to see every dimple. Uh, I mean… airbrushing is a sexist tool of the patriarchy that promotes an unhealthy body image among impressionable young girls. (Phew, good save, Mancini, good save).

I know very little about Beautiful Creatures and I refuse to learn because the marketing is bland to the point of being obnoxious. These posters are like someone trying to forcefeed me oatmeal, or listening to Joe Lieberman speak.


I don’t like how the tagline cuts off the top of Terrence Howard’s head. I just know he was wearing some epic hat in this and now I don’t get to see it. Was it a jeweled fez? A cashmere dashiki? I feel cheated.

“Discover a whole new world… of Dreamworks faces.”

Bad girls don’t cry, they get even. They also like to flash you their crotch while they cut watermelons in half and shoot pistols in the air like Yosemite Sam. Let’s face it, there are a lot of things to like about bad girls.

Minimalism, negative space, I like it.

Joel Edgerton manages to look like Stallone in one of his pen commercials in this, while Tobey Maguire looks so Tobey Maguire that he should get a misdemeanor citation for it. At least the names line up.

A close-eyed headbutt in the rain, probably the most romantic move ever!

Hey, why does is smell like Irish Spring in here?

Oh boy, another story of white people dressed boringly! You’ve done it again, Stephenie Meyer!

First off, is this broad eight-feet tall? Secondly, with all the chicks in tight leather and helicopters and shiny cars, I’m expecting Jason Statham to slide across that hood any second. It’s the only thing that could save this movie, really.

“Oi, Oy’ve ‘eard you’ve got a flash sazz wagon that needs droivin’, now don’ you.”

Here’s the poster for InAPPropriate Comedy, the movie directed by Vince from Shamwow (seriously). I complain constantly in this feature about names and faces not lining up in posters, but in this instance it makes sense. Names corresponding with faces just wouldn’t be wacky enough for this crooked picture frame of a movie. That’s not even Michelle Rodriguez’s body.

Here’s the Spanish poster for Jack the Giant Slayer, from Bryan Singer. The animation looks cool, but I keep waiting for the giant to stick his tongue between his spread fingers and threaten cunnilingus.

“The pit wants what it wants.” Finally, a horror movie that doesn’t appear to be about possession, a haunted house, or a creepy kid. Yes, I like this poster.

Aww, this just makes me wish “Knife Fight with Rob Lowe” was a description of something that happened and not a movie. Judd Nelson’s comeback publicity stunt, say.

Johnny Knoxville doesn’t seem like the worst casting for the wacky Tom Arnold sidekick role (I love True Lies). I’m just glad they went subtle with his wardrobe.

Here we have a conundrum: movies about history and Nazis are my crack, but films described as “lyrical” are my kryptonite. I see a film described as “lyrical,” “poetic,” or “impressionist” and I’m all but guaranteed to hate it. And yet… Nazis. This reminds me of The New World, which was on cable recently, where all I could think was how much I wished someone besides Terrence Malick had directed the same story.

That Jennifer Lopez picture is so Photoshopped that it could be Liz Hurley, Madonna, Cindy Crawford, or Sharon Stone. “Here is an actress,” it seems to say.

This hits New York and LA in March. I cannot wait.

How much do you love these old bastards? Enough to see this movie? I guess we’ll see. Also, again with the non-corresponding names. Ugh.

Meanwhile, they already had the perfect picture for this movie:

Slap a title over it and you’re done. I would wallpaper my bedroom with this picture.

What was that I was just saying about Terrence Malick? It must be hard for him, always finding a place to shoot where a gentle breeze is blowing just so.

See also: Ben Affleck was jealous of trees.

Here’s a cool poster for what I imagine will be another film about demonic possession.

That’s right, Dr. Oizo aka Quentin Dupieux (pieux! pieux!), director of Rubber, about the telekinetic, homicidal,  tire named Robert, is back, with Wrong. This man should make every poster.