This Week In Posters & Stills

Guys, I’ve been drowning in unwritten reviews from SXSW (still got a couple more of those to finish, get excited!). But don’t you worry, I didn’t forget about This Week in Posters. Better late than never, right?? It’s true for periods, at least. Okay, let’s get into it.
AFTER EARTH: Ah, what a perfectly generic poster perfectly befitting the King Midas of mediocrity, Will Smith, pictured here with his dumb wiener kid, Jaden. The Smith’s whole MO is to constantly shove their dumb kids down your throat, and then, when you rightly protest, now they’ve suddenly got an empowering message to deliver about standing up to your “haters” and having the courage to be yourself. Which becomes the righteous justification to shove them down your throat even further.
As for the poster, it’s the old silhouette trick, employed here slightly more adeptly than, say, Street Fighter. And at least they got the names and faces lined up, right? See? They’re not even good at being hateable.

I dig the design concept, but man, when you’ve got Bruce Greenwood, show me the Bruce Greenwood. I mean just look at this magnificent son of a bitch. His face shouldn’t just be on this poster, it should be on every coin.
He’s like a cross between Hercules and Aries, the God of War. Only Canadian.
I admire the restraint it must’ve taken not to spell it “LYFE.” I’m also sad that I know that a “BBoy” is someone who breakdances. Also, I think they’re trying to incept us with that silhouette up there into thinking C-Tates is in this. Nice try, guys, the old Tatum and Switch. I mean, that WOULD make this about a hundred times better. See for yourself:
Also, that first line is a typo. It’s supposed to read NADUS FILMS REPRESENT!
Okay, the “stuff happening inside the words!” design concept is totally played out, but the execution on this one pulled my eyes around the frame nicely. Dare I say it, I’m intrigued. I can’t wait for Bill Paxton to bring us back from the brink of armageddon with one awesome speech like in Independence Day. Wait, or was that Bill Pullman?! I take it back. Oh crap, you’ve got Bill Paxton leading you? YOU’RE STEWED, BUTTWADS! GAME OVER, MAN, GAME OVER!
I’m sure this will be fine because these animated movies are rarely that bad, and I heard John Cleese did an earlier draft of the script when it was still an Aardman Animation co-production, but I just can’t get past the fact that the characters all look like unsightly obnoxious assholes. This looks like being stuck in a strip mall Applebee’s with a bunch of fat mongos and their feral kids.
She’s picking her nose! Because they’re “crood,” get it?? (*fart noise*)
Crude Croods is the cartoon equivalent of Steven Seagal playing Lt. Dave Lunch in “Lunch for Justice.”
This, on the other had, is why these animated movies are crack for so many people. This is pretty minimalist, and it’s cute as hell. And not just because that hint of cartoon buttcrack, though that does get me all horny.
Is it just me, or does it look like Tinsel Korey is packing a big veiny dong in this? (Sidenote, her name is f*cking “Tinsel”? Seriously, Tinsel?) Also, look out, you guys, Bronson Pelletier probably peed in there.
[Post IMDB Look-Up] Okay, it turns out Tinsel Korey is Indian. That makes it much more acceptable. I doubt that her parents  knew they were naming their daughter after every tacky Italian’s favorite Christmas tree decoration. (Seriously, Italians love tinsel, this was a point of contention in the Mancini household).
I like the visual of this poster design, but nothing about it makes sense. You’ve got “fishing naked” in the title, then the poster has fully-clothed people, and they’re fishing, and apparently they’ve caught… an alien? And there’s a teepee in the background? …For the Indian chick? I don’t know what’s going on here or who any of these people are or why.
Man, no one makes f*ck to the camera like The Rock. I can’t even look at that face he’s without hearing seventies porn music. Is he killing people or getting a blow job? Yo, girl, soon as I shoot up these bad guys I’m a blow up that p*ssy, nahmean?
Maybe I’m reading too much into these. Did that just get Freudian?
Roighto, conts, it’s da Stafe ‘eah, innit. As you conts can wew see, Da Stafe ‘as just got back from a flash big piss up, and Da Stafe is exhausted from knobbin’ between free and seven fit Ukranian birds in da atrium ovva choice ‘otel, now donnoy. And now da Stafe wants nuffin more den ta faw asleep in ‘is own jacuzzi, now doesn’ oy. But as owways, you just know some cheeky cont’s is about ta earn demsewves a bashin, Stafe-stoyle, ain dey, Tommy.
This is like one of those magic eye posters where all I can see is Ben Kingsley. Look at him up there. I’m getting Scarface, with Top Gun‘s sunglasses and Steven Tyler’s wardrobe. I’m all for it. Watching Ben Kingsley chew scenery is almost as fun as watching Robert Downey chew scenery.
Here’s a new still from Wolverine 2. Everyone was all, “OMG, Wolverine’s claws are all bloody, he must’ve just stabbed someone!” But… since Wolverine’s claws just stab through the skin of his hands, shouldn’t they always be bloody? Discuss. Also, Kirby is the Rogue of Super Smash Bros.
If you need me, I’ll be puffing on my inhaler and taking a dandruff bath.
My eyes are drawn to the quotes, and I have to say, they seem like solid quotes. Usually you’ll see some trigger word like “lyrical” or “poetic” that’s a dead giveaway for “avoid this movie.”
Kick-Ass 2 lost the director and the writer from the original, so I have no expectations of it being any good. But man, Kick-Ass still has the best posters.
“The closer you look, the less you’ll see.” With that tagline, I think this was intended to be all mysterious. But instead it’s just people standing on top of grey words.
Here’s Baby Goose in Only God Forgives, from Bronson/Drive director Nicholas Winding Refn. Yes, I’m pretty excited for this one.
“Fine, I’ll put up my dukes if it’ll make you happy. But wouldn’t you rather make s’mores?”
I can’t read those words, but I hope that’s foreign talk for “MAAAAAKE OUUUUUT.”
Here’s one for Place Beyond the Pines, which opens next week, and also stars Baby Goose. Don’t you wish we could get badass minimalist posters like this?
Here’s Guy Pearce and Robert Pattinson in The Rover, from Animal Kingdom director David Michod. It also stars Scoot McNairy. All of that sounds like pure badassness, so hopefully Pattinson won’t screw this one up like he did Cronenberg’s last movie. Okay, so Cronenberg probably screwed that one up himself, but Old Rectangle Eyes deadpanning his way through the script certainly didn’t help.
Hey, Guy, you should probably move your hand out of the way of that gun barrel. I don’t know much about guns, but that one seems like a no-brainer.
Their shirts say “I’m Evil” and “I’m Dead.” I don’t know what that means or on what planet that would constitute “a joke.” Someone should have a shirt that says “I’m embarrassing myself.” And yes, I do mean to imply that even the convicted rapist, Charlie Sheen, and the comedian who went on a high-speed tricycle chase and tried to buy a ferry to live on with his dogs should be embarrassed of this.
I get the “good girl gone bad” label for the other Spring Breakers character posters, but it doesn’t really fly when you apply it to James Franco. I don’t think he’s a “bad guy,” but “good guy” doesn’t seem applicable either.  “Dicknose gonna dicknose” would be more accurate. However, I do enjoy that they made a @LookAtAllMyShit Twitter handle.
Get Loaded. I get it.
I think the lesson here is that you can sexualize young girls as much as you want as long as you’re overt about it and you make it a big event. Harmony Korine you genius.
Uggghhhhhh, the high-waisted jorts, make it stop. How come black people get cool retro trends to come back, like the flat top fade, and white people get f*cking mom jeans? They’re so awful.
Heh heh heh heh heh heh hehe hehe heh heh hehe hehe.
If the goal was to turn me into Beavis and Butthead, mission accomplished.
Good ol’ Cumberbatch, does he go anywhere without his scarf?
I went to look up Alex Gibney’s IMDB page just to list some of his credits here, and holy sh*t, does that guy ever sleep? How does one finish four documentaries in a single year? I can’t imagine the amount of work that goes into that. But then, I make cat photoshops in my underpants for a living, so perhaps that assertion doesn’t carry as much water coming from me.