This Week in Posters: The Hangover 3, 1st look at Harrison Ford in Anchorman

I think the prospect of a third Hangover sounds awful to most people, but… are they literally going to blow up Vegas in this one? Dammit, poster, this has me intrigued. And with the flaming cityscape in the background, all it would take is a new subtitle and Steven Seagal standing in the foreground with a katana to make this a perfect Steven Seagal poster. The Hangover 3: On Deadly Vengeance, starring Steven Seagal as Lt. Sergei Hangover.

I don’t think “Abstraction” was meant to describe the amount of Photoshop on the main face there, but it fits. Also, is that Eric Roberts down there with the glasses and the gun? Because it kind of looks like Andy Dick. He puts the bangs in “bang bang.”

I’ll admit I have almost zero interest in horror/slasher movies (unless they’re funny), but I’m impressed with any horror movie that doesn’t appear to be about a haunted house, an exorcism, or a creepy little kid. In fact, this one seems to be about a nice lady named Mary who bakes cakes or something.

Well now I want to know who James Booker is, so that seems like a success. And where I can get one of those badass eye patches with the star on it? That thing’s almost as cool as having two working eyes.

Jeez, another documentary about a guy named “James?” I mean hasn’t this been done? Har har. Anyway, I like that they put the title over his crotch, as if “big joy” didn’t already sound enough like a penis euphemism. Must be nice.

If my penis was a movie, it’d be Tiny Furniture. Because you can sit on– okay, I think you get it.

“Blut verlangt blut” translates to “blood demands blood”, but I think the more important question is why their car appears to be wrapped in cellophane. Is that why he wants vengeance? That’s not a bad idea. I’d love to see a hard-boiled revenge thriller about a guy who retaliates for the cellphone-around-the-car prank by leaving an upper decker in the toilet tank.

“In a game divided by color…”

As far as you may think we’ve come, Major League Baseball is STILL largely divided by color. Every game you turn on, it seems like one team’s wearing red and white, and the other’s wearing green and yellow or something. It’s disgusting. When will we learn?

I can’t decide what’s more distracting, their weirdly photoshopped heads, or his super-bright tie. “And if it weren’t for his wife, he would never have had the idea to play baseball.”

Dude just really likes blue, I guess.

I promised you a first look at Harrison Ford in Anchorman 2, didn’t I? Okay, so I didn’t promise it was going to be a good look. He doesn’t even look very seventies (referring here to the period setting, not Harrison Ford’s age). No word yet on his character’s name, but I think it’s even money between Teak Frenchwater and Herb Roflcopter.


I like that they couldn’t find enough black greedy lying bastards so they just used Clarence Thomas twice.

Behold, the laziest poster concept ever for the laziest movie concept ever. Ha, boys, am I right? Always refusing to grow up and acting lovably immature, while their big-titted wives stand around going “Boys! Am I right?” Boys! The one thing you can count on boys to do is be boys. Death, taxes, and boys being boys while their big-titted wives roll their eyes. Those are the only constants in this crazy mixed up world of ours.

FUTURE CLOTHES! I’m excited to see this new Hunger Games movie focus more on the future clothes and the future hair than on the shakily-filmed, unexplained references to a book I haven’t read like the first one. And of course I have my fingers crossed for MORE FUTUREBEARD.

Oh hell yeah, Woody, lookin’ good. That’s a sweet ass look for you. You can definitely pick up high school chicks in that kind of outfit. And look at all those slots in the lapel! With all those lapel slots, you can collect boutineers from all the different proms you crash! You can just go around to proms deflowering people.

Lenny Kravitz’s blue guyliner was one of the highlights of the original, but I have to say, Lenny Kravitz dresses way more futuristically in real life.



Uh, I’m here for the Iron Man gangbang?

Didn’t Gwyneth Paltrow have different hair in the last one? And a different face?

How can I reach these keeds?!

Anyway, I’m sure this will be good. I mean, if likes it, it has to be, right?

So God has a rock band, and all his groupies are pregnant. I guess that makes sense.

The Stories We Tell is a documentary from Sarah Polley, who once upon a time starred in the underrated Tarantino ripoff Go, and has since become the indie-world darling director of Take This Waltz. There are a lot of people I respect who loved that movie, but I got five minutes in and heard Michelle Williams say “my phobia is that I’m afraid of being afraid” and I almost threw my TV out the window. Note to all indie filmmakers: finding a way to accept and explore neuroses = good. Inventing and exaggerating neuroses as a way to seem like a tortured, complex little flower of an artist = f*cking insufferable. 

There’s a lot to talk about in this poster, but all I can focus on is Cary Elwes’ facial expression. It looks like he just tried to hold in a fart on the subway and failed.

See those ripples on the water? That means there’s a gentle breeze blowing. Terrence Malick don’t film without no gentle breeze.

Ohhh, I get it, it’s a snail, who wants to be fast. Also, do we really need cutesy spellings when we’re dealing with movies aimed at little kids? They’re already dumb enough without you trying to confuse them.

Here’s a poster for Vehicle 19, which stars Paul Walker and a minivan crashing through a window. It makes perfect sense that people who want to see a car crash would want to watch Paul Walker act.

Simple, effective imagery. And it’s true, I do always lie to stranger. You think I’m going to give my real name to that Starbucks barista? He keeps calling me “bro” like he wants us to hang out.

Wait, are they trying to imply that people playing games with a 12-sided die lack social skills? No, that can’t be right. I’m gonna need a second opinion on this.