This Week In Posters: Sharks, Male Thigh Gaps, And ‘Dark Tower’

Welcome back to This Week In Posters, which begins this week with Emma Stone and Steve Carell in Battle of the Sexes. It feels like God’s finally listening to me as they actually put the names under the corresponding faces this time. And they appear to be going for that indie comedy look with the big yellow text, which always makes me think I’mt looking at a bookend scene from The Royal Tenenbaums. Anyway, I’m excited to see how they’re going to pull off Emma Stone’s transformation in this. One of our finest young actresses, but when I look at her I think less “professional athlete” and more “I’ve never thrown a ball.”

THERE. WILL. BE. MIXTAPES. That’s what I’m getting from this. Also, my parents taught me where babies came from using this illustrated children’s book from the ’70s, and all that unwound tape ribbon is strikingly reminiscent of the naked hippie cartoons’ pubic hair. Which I suppose is fitting.

47 Metres Down, that Blake Lively one, and now this. We are truly living in a second golden age of killer shark movies. Is the shark supposed to be coming up through the sea floor, Freddy Krueger-style in this? I suppose that would be a twist. Otherwise it kind of just looks like they took a picture of a shark breaching and Photoshopped it. Whatever, when you’ve got a title like Open Water 3: Cage Dive you don’t need much else.

Putting two slightly-tilted horizon line images right next to each other really underlines how dumb the slightly-tilted horizon line image trend is. Also, do gunslingers not sweat? A knee-length leather trench seems like it’d be really hot.

Okay, but now what the hell is McConaughey supposed to be looking at? They’re right there on the roof together, why don’t they acknowledge each other? Don’t think I didn’t notice them switching the names either.

I’m not really sold on this concept of someone making a maze, which seems very mumblecore-movie-starring-Jake-Johnson, but the “He thought of everything but a way out” is a perfect movie tagline. The perfect movie tagline should kind of make you groan like a bad pun, and be so perfectly circular that for a second you believe they created the entire concept around it. Like why else would you make a movie about a maze? Probably because you came up with that tagline.

This is a thoroughly inspired poster for a movie that sounds like it got its title out of a pillowcase that says “rejected lazy horror film titles” on the front.

If ya see a faded sign on the side of the road/that says “15 miles to the deeeead shack!/dead shack, baby dead shack/dead shack baaaay-beeeeee…

I can’t keep these Earth movies, straight is this the one with the awesome lizard chase? I’m not looking this up.

I feel like there’s an odd visual shorthand at work here, where we know the bull isn’t dangerous because he has cute bangs. Does that also explain the Bieber phenomenon? This warrants serious study.

Geoffrey Rush and Armie Hammer star in… FUTURA FONT! This season’s most buzzy arthouse classic, which, if the critics are to be believed, will have you leaving the theater screaming “adverbly adjective!”

Rush and Hammer both turn in vital, breathtaking, remarkable, bullet shootingly nebbish performances and there may even be a small part for an unnamed pretty lady down in the corner.

I’m torn on whether the S up there is meant to evoke his floppy ding dong or some kind of sperm emoji, a la 3===> ~~~~~~ ({})

This faceless man has very large thighs, but why is he wearing boxer briefs? Is that what male strippers wear now? Seems overly chaste.

I really hate people taking pictures with their tongues out and every time I say or think that I start to feel like a Fox & Friends anchor freaking out about Miley Cyrus. So thanks for that, Girls Trip.

Is the “giant plume of smoke” thing becoming a poster trend? (See also Murder on the Orient Express from the other week.) If so I’m sure it will get old eventually, but for now I like it. It tells me everything is going to explode at the end.

What’s this, a poster for a Nine Inch Nails video from the ’90s?

Is that… a rock mountain shaped like a puma? A literal “mountain lion,” if you will? …Interesting.

Pretty cool poster for Spider-Man: Homecoming here. Also, did you know that hand that Spider-Man makes to shoot webbing means “I love you” in sign language? True story. So basically Spider-Man runs around shouting “I love you!” and shooting goo on everyone.

Am I seeing things or does the face in the middle look like Donald Trump? Is it meant to? What’s happening?

Is it weird that at first glance I thought that mountain back there was a whale’s tail coming out of the water? It’s not a great poster, but with Jeremy Renner, Elizabeth Olsen, and Taylor Sheridan, you don’t need much else. Also, how did Elizabeth Olsen turn out so tolerable? Every time I see the Olsen twins I want to shoo them off my porch with a broom, and somehow the same genetic combination produced a human I want to marry. Life is a mystery.