This week in This Week in Posters, we begin with a batch of character posters from Almost Christmas. I’m not going to include every single of them, because they’re all pretty much exactly like this, with the characters in matching Christmas sweaters making some little pose with their hands. Is it weird that they didn’t include the actors’ names? I know who most of them, because I’m a famous movie blogger, but what are the normies supposed to do? Does IMDb have facial recognition software? This is a big problem. If you ask me, all actors should have to be implanted with QR codes, like microchips for dogs.
(all posters via IMPA)
Here’s Danny Glover with his legs really close together and his stomach pooched out like he’s doing some kind of teapot dance. This is a really strange pose. He looks like he’s trying to pinch something between his butt cheeks. (Your heart! It’s the movie every Christmas family should see!)
By the way, “Feel the flavor, feel the spirit” sounds like a cigarette ad.
Like I said, I’m not going to post all the character posters, but here’s the one with all of them together anyway. If you were looking at this thinking “Jeez, that looks really Photoshopped,” well, I’m not saying I have proof that it is, but the character posters use the exact same shot of each person as in the group poster. It’s like they’re not even trying.
Also, you can tell JB Smoove is the comedian of the group, because comedians are never allowed to not make a dumb face in their publicity shot.
Here’s a Spanish poster for Arrival, which obviously uses words to create a portrait, to fit the plot that’s about trying to learn how to communicate with aliens. And the poster is smokey, because the aliens all hang out in a big smoke-filled room. All of that makes sense, I guess, though the placement of “curieuse” makes it look like he has a unibrow.
Ah, Forest, I see you have got the word unibrow too, my friend.
So Disney is just going to make live-action versions of all their hits now? My God, this company shits money. Anyway, I’m glad Josh Gad is in this. “Josh Gad isn’t in enough stuff,” I’m always saying. “I wish he’d just show up randomly at every public event and comment on the deaths of famous people.”
Whoa, important and urgent? Someone hold my Totino’s pizza roll, sounds like I gotta catch this Holocaust flick.
I can’t really tell what this is about from the poster, but it certainly seems tense. Also, the main guy looks like Dramatic Iranian Jemaine Clement.
This poster for Free Fire essentially combines a bunch of different poster clichés — the “everyone holds guns,” the sexy people in goofy ’70s clothes, etc — and it totally works. It’s like a camera shutter made of sexy people! Also, if you think of the gun as a phallic symbol, this poster is like a big ’70s orgy, with Brie Larson looking directly into the camera as if to say “Hey, big boy.”
I watched Ghost in the Shell on mushrooms one time and I don’t really remember what it was about. The triangle thing over her boob kind of reminds me of Star Trek though. Star Trek meets The Ring starring a naked wig lady, that’s what I’m getting from this poster.
Sometimes the title says it all.
This La La Land poster is great because you get to imagine what it’d be like to be Emma Stone and have Ryan Gosling pick you up in his strong arms and kiss you with his gentle Canadian lips while the Los Angelis skyline twinkles romantically in the background. Wait, did I say Ryan Gosling? Uh I meant that you can pretend to be Ryan Gosling and have Emma Stone pick you up in her big strong arms and DANG IT I DID IT AGAIN. Grrr, football!
This is a poster for Moana, which apparently is called “Vaiana” in Spanish. I never understand the translating made-up words thing. Can a native Spanish speaker explain this one to me in the comments? Is “Moana” slang for camel pubes or something?
I like that “demigod” is apparently “semidios” in Spanish. That’s a cool word. That said, I don’t know how I feel about a demigod with a bellybutton tattoo. Can Disney just go back to animating animals and anthropomorphic animals again? We can all agree that’s much better, right?
This poster for Resident Evil: Whichever One This Is seems to be a reference to Army of Darkness (or whatever poster Army of Darkness) was referencing. That’s all well and good, but I wish the poster designer had gone easy on the “make boobs bigger” tool. A little of that goes a long way. Also why is every building flaming in the exact same spot? Switch it up a little, man, damn.
Interesting choice to show not only the gun firing but the bullet coming out of it. Do you think that means the move is going to have lots of “bullet time” slo-mo? Or you extend the phallus metaphor, I guess this is like saying that Resident Evil is the money shot compilation of action movies, which makes a lot of sense.
“Rogue One: Storm Troopers Vs. Dolphins.” JK, this is actually just half of two banner-style posters for Rogue One, clearly meant to be posted facing the banner on the following page:
If they’re going to fight in the waves, it seems like at least one person could be surfing. The Point Break remake never would’ve made this mistake.
This would be a fine poster, but WHY DOES THE DAMNED HORIZON LINE HAVE TO BE DIAGONAL FOR NO REASON?
I’m not sure exactly what’s happening here, but it looks like Werner Herzog remade the double-dream sequence from Batman V. Superman with General Zod. I want that.
Aren’t you at least supposed to give the mermaid a belly button before her lower half morphs into airbrushed fish territory? Her torso just looks like one long blur tool. Also, I feel like I’ve never stopped to consider just how many mermaid movies there are.
Yes, but which one is the killer? I’m going to go ahead and guess Colin Farrell, because he’s all in red and he’s doing that “this is my serial killer face” face. Though it’s hard, given that Anthony Hopkins’ most famous role is as a serial killer and all. This is a tough one. Figuring out who’s who aside, “a serial killer that can read minds” sounds like a new network primetime show starring Jennifer Love Hewitt that gets canceled after three episodes.
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.