FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: ‘Logan Lucky’ Can’t Get Here Fast Enough

This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with a few teasers for the Tupac biopic, which is barely a month away. Aren’t we a little late on this, guys? Also a baller move not to include the actor’s name (Demetrius Shipp Jr., according IMDb). I think they want us to wonder if that’s really Tupac playing himself. It probably is. I mean, “Demetrius Shipp, Jr.?” Sounds fake, IMO. Nice try, Tupac, you alive-ass phony.

It’s crazy how you don’t need to see his face at all to know it’s Tupac. He’s basically a Halloween costume at this point.

He has really nice fingernails.

This isn’t the greatest poster I’ve ever seen, graphically, but I appreciate that they came up with a reason for all the stars to be silhouetted on the poster instead of just Photoshopping a bunch of random floating heads in there. That’s progress.

That being said, this one owns:

Is the chubby guy getting hit with water or sand? If it’s sand, what’s kicking up all that sand? If it’s water, why does he look like he’s standing on dry land? Dammit, this is going to bug me all day.

There was a time I would’ve poo poo’d the idea of Dave Bautista headlining a protecting-a-girl action movie, but after Guardians 2 I am all the way ready. He may be our best wrestler cum actor. And yes I include The Rock in that statement, and I love The Rock. I’d be happy if this movie was just a jokier The Drop starring Dave Bautista. Man, I love The Drop. The Drop is my John Wick.

Ooh, they both have guns. Intriguing. I’d normally make fun of that, but in a movie called “Bushwick” you need the guns in the poster so people don’t assume it’s a coming-of-age dramedy about young artists.

Oh hell yes: Is this Jesus’s handprint? Remember Risen, starring Joseph Fiennes as the Roman cop on a manhunt for Jesus? Now we’ve got some sort of Bourne/Da Vinci Code dedicated to finding the TRUTH about JESUS. (Btw, that’s a good rom-com title. The Truth About Jesus! Must Love Jesus! Call me, Pureflix). And hey, it will probably be better than Bourne or Da Vinci Code. Risen sure as hell kicked the crap out of Exodus: Gods And Kings. Sure as Heaven, rather. Which is for real.

There are a bunch of these new Minions posters and they seem funny but I’ve never seen one of these movies so I don’t really understand any of them. It’s like when I watch college football with superfans and they all have some two or three word phrase that sounds like complete gibberish to anyone who isn’t a fan or rival of that team. “Pencils breadcrust dog fur! Eee ah! Spaceships tourniquet whispers! Goooo bear fox!”

I’m always jealous of the number of pockets on overalls. Prisoners probably don’t get overalls for that exact reason. Too many places to hide your shivs. Hayseed prison ruined it for everyone.

It’s a good thing I can’t read the language so I don’t have to associate whatever this movie is with one of the worst posters ever. Jesus Christ, I hope this didn’t take longer than three minutes. “I dunno, man, must Photoshop them into the trees or something.”

Oh sweet, I love movies about drawing equations on windows. Wait, this looks more like writing essays on windows. Either way. I won’t watch your movie unless someone does schoolwork on the windows, I’m saying. Also, maybe try using a font I can actually read, especially if the title consists of unusual names. I thought this said “Hernia & Helena” at first. Which makes at least as much sense as the real title, Hermia & Helena. Canchres and Christine. Shingles and Shireen. Malaria and Melissa.

Here’s The Hitman’s Bodyguard playing a dangerous game incorporating troll slang into its marketing. “Get triggered?” Oh, I get it. I think. Wait, maybe I don’t. We’re like six months from John Cena wearing a t-shirt that says “CUCKS” with a circle and line through it.

You can’t just use slang like that without making the poster more tasteless. Never go half tasteless. He should be shooting a professor who wanted him to say that God is dead or something.

Curiously, The House is called “Casino Undercover” in Germany. Not an interesting fact, I suppose, but a fact nonetheless. More importantly, these are big stars, why does the poster look like cheap garbage? Is that crap in the background supposed to be the interior of a casino?

It’s crazy that wearing sunglasses has been code for “cool badass” for like a hundred years. It basically meant the same thing to your great-great-grandparents. How many other style choices could you say that about?

And here we have the climax of this week in posters, Logan Lucky, a Steven Soderbergh movie starring Channing Tatum and Adam Driver. I am so very ready for this. I am so ready for this that I’m willing to overlook them using “the director of Ocean’s 12” as a selling point.

It’s not hard to win me over with pictures of handsome doggies. Also, Common is in this. I hope he gives the a straight-talkin’ inspirational speech followed by a cut to the doggie turning his head sideways. As if he’s saying “What choo talkin’ about, Common?” in dog.

This seems a little silly, but credit where credit is due, they very nearly succeed in making a movie about the world’s lamest movie monster starring Tom Cruise seem cool.

This one feels very Alien. But hey, might as well steal from the best.

I like everything about this poster, except that they flipped the names. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?

Oh Jesus, look at all of those sparks. This must be a very exciting movie.

2024. Mark Zuckerberg is president. A rogue congress votes to reboot Spider-Man for an unprecedented 17th time.

It took me like 10 minutes of staring at this poster before I realized those were music box gears. Now it looks like she’s full of buyer’s remorse. “I can’t believe I bought an enchanted music box and now I’m going to die, smh.”

Is there really a bar like that around the tank turret? It looks like a perfect handle. Might as well put a sign that says “Lift here, Wonder Woman” on that thing. That was the tank crew’s fatal mistake.

I don’t know what it is about parts of the helmet covering the person’s face that looks so ridiculous. The other space warriors are going to laugh you off the battlefield looking like that.

Am I supposed to know they’re standing in front of? It looks like the door to the safe where Donald Trump keeps his toupees.

So how much less ridiculous the helmet looks when you move the flaps out of the face? This one is like 150% less stupid looking.

Oh dear God. This is such a perfect wondercore dramedy parody that it’s even called “Wonder.” Why are the precocious children always wearing unorthodox head gear?!

Anyway, I can’t wait to meet Auggie Pullman. I bet he daydreams a lot and doesn’t fit in with his peers. Just spitballing here.

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