Gary Busey plays a pro-wrestling vampire who raps about eating spider webs. THIS. EXISTS.

Thanks to Jim from Crappy Cinema Council for alerting me to the existence of this film, Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang, which features not only Gary Busey as a pro-wrestling vampire, but Ice T in a powdered wig. The rest of you, where the hell were you at on this one?! Someone must have known about this and not told me! Is this not the greatest movie poster in the history of man? Look at that expression on Ice T’s face! It doesn’t get any better! Now for the synopsis, which is going to melt your face off and squirt it back up your butt with a turkey baster.

One day, a boy named Jacob Two-Two (aptly named because every phrase that he utters is repeated) decides to set out to prove himself to his parents that he can do things, so his father, who is tired of hearing his wife order him to do the shopping, sets Jacob out to buy two tomatoes. As Jacob makes his way to buy them, the greengrocer in the shop keeps telling an officer that Jacob was threatening him, so Jacob escapes, but only just, hitting his head rather hard and awaking in court where he is sentenced to two years, two months, two weeks, two days, two hours, two minutes, and five seconds to a children’s prison run by not only a mad wrestler presumed lost, but also two (also aptly named) bird-like and fish-like cohorts as well as slimy humanoids that spray resisters with slime to stop them in their tracks. Helping Jacob in his mission are two young agents that aim to free all of the children kept prisoner in the swampy penitentiary. It is up to Jacob Two-Two to escape this heinous prison and free all of the other imprisoned children. [imdb]

Gary Busey raps… Ice Cube in a wig… Veiled clitoris reference in the title… Why am I crying, you ask? It’s just… (*sniff*) I didn’t know there was… such beauty in the world.

The Busey rap starts at about the one minute mark. “Is my brain gonna melt?” the kid asks. Kid, if your brain hasn’t melted already, you’re a better man than I. Incredibly, I’m not even sure the best part of this clip is Busey rapping about eating spider webs. I also enjoy that there’s some kind of fish creature playing bass, and a John Waters-looking dude accompanying him with a Fred-Schneider-from-the-B-52s-esque call and respond. (“OH. DEAR. THE HOODED FAAAANG.”) I wish I had a Fred Schneider guy following me around all day, loudly repeating everything I said, but more flamboyantly. (“He SAID he wants, a CUP of COFFAAAAAAAY!”)

This is actually a 1999 remake of a 1978 film, but I can’t imagine it’d be the same without rap or Ice T or Gary Busey. My God, this is just the best.