Weekend Movie Guide

Ok dorks, let’s do a quick rundown of movies that are opening this weekend. Skinny Marinky Vinky Dink started doing this last week, then promptly bailed and left it to the blogsitters. Professional. Fun fact: despite being Uproxx’s preeminent fill-in movie blogger (What the hell is a “Burnsy”?), I have never heard of most of these movies. And away we go.

RED RIDING HOOD: Amanda Seyfriend stars as a girl whose movie should get eaten by a wolf.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 7% (HOLY SH*T, 7%)
Gratuitous review quotes:

“Another idiot child of “Twilight,” “Red Riding Hood,” directed by original “Twilight” director Catherine Hardwicke (“Thirteen”), arrives, and the Twi-hards are about to get hoodwinked.” – Boston Herald

“[Hardwicke] has a gift for taking situations of bloodcurdling thrills and investing them with all of the drama of a sophomore fussing over her prom date.” – New York Post

Armchair analysis: Yeesh (*tugs collar*)

Rotten Tomatoes score: 35%
Gratuitous review quotes:

“A sci-fi “Black Hawk Down,” Jonathan Liebesman’s “Battle: Los Angeles” will satisfy any genre-movie buff jonesing for this generation’s ‘Independence Day.'” – Boston Herald

“It’s like watching other people play a video game” – Richard Roeper

Armchair analysis
: If people are comparing this to Independence Day, some goddamn person better welcome an alien to Earf with a punch in the face. That’s all I’m sayin’.

JANE EYRE: Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender star in an adaption of a book I pretended to read in 9th grade. It probably has something to do with virginity or something.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 89%
Gratuitous review quotes: