Weekend Movie Guide: Apollo Shark Vagina Fight

OPENING THIS WEEK: Shark Night 3D, Apollo 18, The Debt
FILMDRUNK RECOMMENDS: The Guard, Our Idiot Brother, Attack the Block

Shark Night 3D: So… uh… there are some sharks, and like… one night they come out… and it’s like… YOU CAN PRACTICALLY TOUCH ‘EM, BRO!

RottenTomatoes Score: 33%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This limp teens-in-peril fright flick doesn’t even deserve to swim in the same bloody waters as Piranha 3D; frankly, there were more genuine jolts in Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer.” -Alonso Duralde, TheWrap

“I would say anyone who buys a ticket for a film called ‘Shark Night 3D’ will get exactly what they pay for, and these days, that can feel like a bit of a miracle.” -Drew McWeeny, HitFix

“A full-fledged, bottom-of-the-ninth strikeout, a trashy, stupid, joyless, and overlong thriller.” -Todd Gilchrist, ThePlaylist

Armchair Assessment: I don’t know what needs to be said about this other than, “It’s rated PG-13.” While I didn’t love Piranha 3D, it wasn’t without its charms, but there’s not a chance in hell I would’ve sat through it without boobs and blood. Isn’t that the whole point? This is like Fast and Furious without cars or sweaty dudes.

Apollo 18: Some astronauts go to the moon and find a Blair Witch there.

RottenTomatoes: 31%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

If the glacial pacing, the lack of plot, the dearth of action, or the poor writing isn’t reason enough to avoid Apollo 18, recall also that it’s a found-footage film. Therefore, all the negative attributes described above are combined with bad lighting; grainy, blurry shots; and the inability to see much of what’s going on (or, what the director,
Gonzalo López-Gallego, calls “mood”). – Dustin Rowles, Pajiba

Derivative, dumb, suspenseless and worst of all boring, “Apollo 18” fulfills no expectations except those of the low quality of films released over Labor Day weekend, a notorious dumping ground for studio dreck. -Todd Gilchrist, ThePlaylist

‘Apollo 18’ is an affront to reason and taste, a complete failure. I am flustered by how awful “Apollo 18” is.  And I am going to have a hard time fully describing it’s ineptitude if I can’t indulge a little bit in spoilers.
“Apollo 18” is that special kind of awful where it’s not fun because it’s too boring, it’s not scary because it’s too stupid, and it’s not funny because it’s too sincere.  This is not so bad it’s great.  It’s so bad it’s just bad, and I pity anyone who gets rooked into a viewing this weekend. -Drew McWeeny, Hitfix

“This film will shock you to your core. You won’t believe that a found footage movie can be just as exciting as a sci-fi classic. The last ten minutes are the most exciting of any summer movie, and without motion capture effects.” -Fred Topel, CraveOnline

Armchair Assessment: I can barely bring myself to see the found-footage movies people say are good, let alone one everyone hates. By the way, has there been a single weekend this year that didn’t have at least one movie involving aliens? Unless there’s a velociraptor under that suit, no thanks.

The Debt: Helen Mirren learns a terrible secret about what really happened thirty years ago when SHE KILLED A NAZI WITH HER VAGINA.

RottenTomatoes: 76%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Vogel’s introduction, ‘This is my hand, and this is the speculum,’ may at last have displaced the ‘Is it safe?’ of Christian Szell–another Mengele stand-in–as the most discomfiting sentence ever uttered by doctor to patient onscreen.” -Christopher Orr, The Atlantic

“Mossad lovebirds violate the doctor-patient relationship in reverse, when not spoonfeeding a kitchen nazi. Sex, Lies And Undercover Gyn Checkups.” -Prairie Miller, Newsblaze

“The direction and performances remain as solid as ever, but they’re both growing obscured by the top-heavy plot.” -Rick Groen

Armchair Assessment: For a movie about a chick who rawlabes it while killing a nazi, the reviews were pretty boring. Blah blah regret blah blah moral dilemma blah blah acting. I guess I should’ve expected as much from a movie that took this premise and named it “The Debt.” I would’ve called it “Bare Twat the Kraut Killer.” Or maybe “Bear Twat the Kraut Killer.” Tell me you wouldn’t see either of those movies. Or maybe just DEATHSNATCH. Yeah, Deathsnatch. Nice and succinct. Tasteful.