FilmDrunk

Weekend Movie Guide: Find Love Or Save The World

In Theaters Everywhere: The Lucky One, Think Like a Man

Suckling Mother Nature’s Earth Day Teat: Chimpanzee, To the Arctic 3D

FilmDrunk Suggests: [FORGET MOVIES! CHECK OUT OUR UFC 145 LIVE BLOG! -Vince] Kids need to be aware of the environment, or so my parole officer told me. So take your kids to one of the two artsy fartsy enviro-slobber films and help save the polar bears or monkeys. Otherwise, just don’t give your money to Steve Harvey’s relationship advice.

The Lucky One

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20% critics, 78% audience, 100% caramel-clogged hearts

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“More than anything, this latest adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel feels like a wasted opportunity. The savviest directors are able to exploit Sparks’ formula for its comfortable escapism. But Hicks, who does better work with more thoughtful material (‘Shine’), is way out of his element. He hits the beats — lonely woman, hunky stranger — without bothering to develop even the slightest depth.” – Elizabeth Weitzman, NY Daily News

“Human Dreamsicle Efron has buffed and tattooed himself to the bulked-up extreme for his big dramatic turn in ‘The Lucky One,’ but the role of a stoic, expressionless philosopher-soldier requires that he tamp down his natural exuberance and physical grace, a regrettable misuse of his native talents.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post (Translated: Ann Hornaday really wants to f*ck Zac Efron.)

Armchair Analysis: I’ve never read a Nicholas Sparks book or seen a movie based on one either. I have seen the last 20 minutes of The Notebook, and holy crap I have never laughed so hard. But girls apparently love these movies, so I assume that both young and old will flock in droves to see Zac Efron take his shirt off act like no real man on this planet would ever act unless they were hiding sssssssssomething. [See also: The Lucky One Recreated with Reviews]

Think Like a Man

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 51% critics, 86% audience, 32% of the buttons on Steve Harvey’s jacket

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“’Think Like a Man’ is part of an ongoing trend of movies based on advice books, including ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and the upcoming ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting,’ although this one is built around Harvey’s twinkly eyed personality as a comedian and radio host. That makes the self-promotion understandable, but what makes it forgivable is that ‘Think Like a Man’ is a surprisingly engaging, entertaining and very funny movie.” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday

“Advice books presume that human behavior can be broken into a small number of highly predictable patterns. Movies thrive on individuality and at least the illusion that we can surprise each other from time to time. Shove people into categories, then into a film like ‘Think Like a Man,’ and it’s a recipe for tedium.” – Farran Smith Nehme, NY Post

Armchair Analysis: It is taking all of the restraint I can muster from breaking off into a 6,000-word rant about the uselessness of self-help and advice books like “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” and especially Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You.” These books prey on lonely, desperate people who need constant assurance that they’re not doing anything wrong, and I’m fine with that, because whatever, some people need help.

But why the hell should I listen to comedians like Behrendt and Steve Harvey for relationship advice? Who the hell are they to tell me anything? At least Heidi Murkoff, author of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, has two kids. All Harvey and Behrendt do is lay out lazy stereotypes of typical male behavior with a few snappy lines to differentiate one book from the next. But then Oprah slaps her approval on it and her hoards of followers go out and buy them. So I guess I can’t really blame an even lazier Hollywood producer from strapping a saddle to these cash cows and writing a generic rom-com plot to go along with it, and casting a current popular guy who yells comedian like Kevin Hart and Turtle from Entourage.

In the meantime, stay tuned for updates about the release of my relationship advice book, “Yo, Your Ass Looks Fat in That Dress, Whoa Don’t Cry, Have a Wine Cooler.”

Chimpanzee

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 74% critics, 81% audience, 50% mammals that can’t stop masturbating

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“’Chimpanzee’ has Michigan’s Tim Allen doing the narrating, and of course there are some of his trademark grunts and a joke about power tools. But the narration and storyline are soon overwhelmed by the startling reality of chimpanzees in the wild.” – Tom Long, Detroit News (Holy crap, that first part sounds terrible.)

“The aftermath of that hunt happens off-camera, as does most of the film’s violence. Again, it’s meant to spare the feelings of tiny fans — ‘But where did the monkey go?’ I heard one ask after a fatal encounter — but it can confuse adults, as well.” – Stephen Whitty, New Jersey Star Ledger (Responds the father, “The monkey ran off with your whore mom.”)

Armchair Analysis: Can’t be worse than King Kong. Especially if this guy shows up…

To the Arctic 3D

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 62% critics, 100% audience, 100% Coca-Cola ad execs

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The threat of global warming to their habitat is spelled out simply in the narration, delivered by Meryl Streep. Otherwise, ‘To the Arctic’ is a little dry. The 3-D adds little of impact, and the environment as rendered here isn’t as visually rich as it is in ‘Everest’ or ‘The Living Sea,’ similar Imax examinations of largely inaccessible regions. Expanses of white ice, however grand, are less alluring as the minutes go by.” – David DeWitt, NY Times

“The Arctic is warming twice as fast as the rest of the world, we are told by Meryl Streep’s dulcet voice as we fly past a gigantic iceberg spouting many spectacular waterfalls. A children’s choir sings and a graphic of the movie title explodes into ice shards to heighten the dramatic impact. Corny? You bet, but that’s nothing compared to the poignant – and to this viewer, distracting – Paul McCartney songs just around the next iceberg.” – Jennie Punter, Globe and Mail

Armchair Analysis: I don’t understand how it’s difficult to make an effective and good film about polar bears and the fact that icebergs are melting. My only suggestion is more Jose Canseco analysis.

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