Weekend Movie Guide: George Lucas Needs Another $500 Million, C-Tates in 50 First Tates

Opening Like a Flower in the Morning Sun: Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace (in 3D), The Vow, Safe House, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

FilmDrunk suggests: “I’m already in your head.” Go see Safe House. (This suggestion brought to you by the early nominee for the 2012 Taylor Lautner Line That Makes Me Laugh Every Time I See the Movie Trailer.)

Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 58% critics, 63% audience, 0% nerds

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The bottom line: George Lucas has made no secret of the fact that this film is aimed directly at 12-year-old boys, not at men in their 40s trying to recapture their lost youth. But that doesn’t give him license to ignore character development and dramatic pacing. It’s true that with this film Lucas has raised the bar in terms of digital special effects. But despite all the magnificent razzle-dazzle, when it comes to movies ‘it’s the story, stupid.’ This could have been, and should have been, a much better story.” – Paul Clinton, CNN

“But it is not so nice with stinky Jar-Jar Binks craning over everyone’s shoulder, whooping and whimpering in that weird Rastafarian-leprechaun accent of his. And the dialogue throughout the picture is so devoid of life you would swear it was written with a Ouija board.” – Leigh Paatsch, Herald Sun

Armchair Analysis: One of my friends with a young son told me that he was really excited to take his kid to see these new Star Wars films in 3D, because it’s like being able to help a new generation witness something that’s been so special to us for 35 years. While I can respect that thought process, I still wouldn’t give George Lucas the satisfaction of another $15 even if Kate Upton showed up at my door with my bastard son, telling me it was his dream to see Star Wars with his father. Also, I’d be pissed that I didn’t remember having sex with Kate Upton.

The Vow aka 50 First Tates

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 32% critics, 83% audience, 100% former male strippers

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“But it’s all too painless. One can imagine the anguish of the case in real life. How, really, do you approach the subject of having sex with your husband if you don’t remember him? Especially when he is theoretically not the kind of man you would choose, and you believe you’re engaged to a man you love? ‘The Vow’ never really grapples with those issues. It’s pleasant enough as a date movie, but that’s all.” – Roger Ebert, of the Film Reviewing Eberts

“Yo girl, dis sh*t be poppin’ from the 1s and 2s like BOOM BOOM BOOM ho 4get her memory, BANG BANG BANG, C-Tates B like yous my boo, yous my fantasy, POW POW POW, yo girl we back 2gether, BAM BAM BAM, C-Tates gets an Oscar, 4eva right?” – Charles Von Tatington III, Movies n Sh*t, right? Dot com. (This one seems a little peculiar, to be honest.)

Armchair Analysis: Vince asked me earlier this week if I was going to attend a screener of The Vow and I simply said no. He replied that a true fan would want to see it in advance, but I countered that a true fan would rather pay the $12 to contribute to the product. Either way, I’m in no rush to watch C-Tates remind Rachel McAdams that they’re married through interpretive dance and beat boxing.

Safe House

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 53% critics, 70% audience (I think it’s that time of the month for critics.)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The story remains vague, a sketch anyone might write on the back of a cocktail napkin. We’re told within 15 minutes that there is a traitor who fears exposure working inside the CIA, and any viewer who has seen more than one movie will identify the traitor instantly. There are no twists, no turns, no changes and no nuances to the plot, which remains about one thing and one thing only: A lot of guys are trying to kill two other guys.” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle (Pretty sure you just described a good movie, jackass.)

“If we’re still unconvinced after ‘Safe House,’ it’s largely because the film spends less time on the promising interplay between Reynolds and Washington than on generic spycraft action its makers aren’t quite up to. As fun as the movie occasionally is, it can’t make its own drama convincing, much less give Reynolds the nudge he needs toward Matt Damon-ville.” – John DeFore, Washington Post (But I thought Matt Damon sucks, Vince?)

Armchair Analysis: Few things are more entertaining than Denzel Washington in a role as a badass. I think this movie looks fantastic, and I need it to be great after the letdown that was Man on a Ledge.


Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 46% critics, 46% audience (TURD ALERT!)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“On the 8-year-old side of the ledger, the movie has a giant lizard, bees so big humans can ride on them, an elaborate tree house and much walking through exotic landscapes, all in 3-D. On the anybody-else side, the effects are cheesy, the dialogue is often stiff, the characters are one-dimensional, the story is completely predictable, and the 3-D mostly means things get hurled at the audience.” – Tom Long, Detroit News

“Yes, The Mysterious Island is everything a 12-year-old boy could want – endless adventure involving a reckless adolescent hero, with a pretty girl in a clinging T-shirt around to watch him struggle.” – Stephen Cole, Globe and Mail

Armchair Analysis: I think this could be a very special film, not for the effects or positive characters and uplifting dialogue that could inspire the children that this film was written for. But because it takes place on a strange island with a huge jungle and that means there’s a great chance that Vanessa Hudgens’ shirt could get ripped on a branch. Fine, I’m a 12-year old boy.