Weekend Movie Guide: GRRRRRRL POWER!

Opening All Over Your Face and Chest: Haywire, Underworld Awakening, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Red Tails

FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m excited to see Haywire for Gina Carano and my boy Channing Tatum. Vince said he didn’t like Haywire because it was stale, but it was actually because Gina Carano wouldn’t respond to his letters that he sprayed with Drakkar and sealed with a glittered mushroom stamp. He’s such a romantic!


Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 83% critics, 54% audience (A very strange juxtaposition that makes me think this is more Soderbergh ass-kissery than “You just didn’t get it.”)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The question of whether Carano can actually act is moot. It’s enough that she has a commanding presence, and two good expressions – warily friendly or glaring, which makes her like a much prettier Charles Bronson.” – Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail

“If you don’t mind a baffling plot, unexplored characters and a so-what ending, though, the movie is watchable thanks to Soderbergh’s skittery flair and some ace dialogue.” – Kyle Smith, New York Post

Armchair Analysis: This movie was destined to be a letdown because it was made almost two years ago, when Michael Fassbender was a nobody and the studio didn’t even want to let Steven Soderbergh cast him. Now, he’s much more convenient. We obviously love Gina Carano, and Channing Tatum is this generation’s John Wayne (that should be on his IMDB profile) but this movie is a letdown by most dude accounts, including Vince’s review. So just keep that in mind when you’re wishing that Carano’s legs were squeezing the life out of your face.

Underworld Awakening

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 40% critics, 90% audience (You could say that the critics are the vampires and the audience is the Lycans, and then I’d slap you.)

Gratuitous Review Quotes: (I don’t think this screened for many critics…)

“There are plenty of scenes where Beckinsale, in her black leather outfit, thrills and kills Lycans at will while leaping over cars and trucks and walking on walls. Unfortunately, it’s the script that fails the actors and series in general.” – Wilson Morales, Black Film

“This is exciting, apparently. It looks pretty stupid to me, and it isn’t helped by her utter lack of personality, or the fact that her face has been CGI’ed into plastic smoothness. She’s a living doll intended to simultaneously turn the viewer on and make the viewer shit himself in terror.” – Maryann Johanson, Flick Filosopher (included for the delightful cattiness)

Armchair Analysis: “Hooray, they got Kate Beckinsale back,” raved perverts. Seriously, I’d like to meet the fanboys who are still clamoring over yet another installment of this worn out series. The only redeeming factor of these lame movies is Beckinsale, and after having to suffer through the third one (I didn’t watch it for joy, just for the sake of crapping on it) it’s going to take a lot more than just a sweet heiney to win me over.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 49% critics, 67% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“’Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close’ is the kind of movie you want to punch in the nose.” – Tom Long, Detroit News

“There’s a fine line between precocious and insufferable, and it’s a line continually crossed by ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,’ Stephen Daldry’s extremely labored and incredibly crass adaptation of Jonathan Safran Foer’s novel.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post

Armchair Analysis: If Mark Wahlberg wanted to impress us, he’d stop 9/11 movies from being made. Look Hollywood – especially the writers – people just aren’t ready for movies about 9/11 yet. Reality, fiction, cartoons, porn – it’s just not time yet. I know, it happened and people probably need to confront it. And trust me, I know there’s irony in people complaining about a movie like Extremely Loud but being fine with movies about the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. But 9/11 was different. I can’t quite explain it. Just don’t make them. Not now, not 5 years from now.

Red Tails

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 33% critics, 82% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“And the bullets the Red Tails dodge in midair are balanced by the raves they receive on the ground: They’re regularly toasted, symbolically or actually, by white pilots whose bigotry has been dispelled by seeing the airmen in action. If only beating racism were that simple.” – Mark Jenkins, Washington Post

“That said, ‘Red Tails’ — a welcome change from Hollywood’s historic January dumping ground — is lot more fun to sit through than Steven Spielberg’s pretentious, self-important ‘War Horse.’” – Lou Lumenick, New York Post

Armchair Analysis: Vince didn’t care for it very much, and you can read about it in his review. As for me, NOT EVEN ON DVD, MR. HITLER!