Weekend Movie Guide: Payday, My Dear Watson

In Theaters Everywhere: Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol, Young Adult, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

FilmDrunk Suggests: There’s a little bit of everything for you movie hounds this weekend, and while I suggest that you make your own decisions in life, puppet master Vince reminds you that Young Adult was decent enough, but his money is on a HUGE second weekend for New Year’s Eve.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 64% critics, 86% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The result ends up like an ‘SNL’ skit: knowingly over-the-top but still fun. And since the action in this sequel, set in 1891, is mostly run-of-the-mill, the personality quirks are elementary.” – Joe Neumaier, New York Daily News (I’m not sure comparing something to SNL is the best way to say you like it.)

“It’s hopeless. If you go, you’ll just end up daydreaming or falling asleep. Actually, let me suggest a daydream to keep you awake. Imagine Arthur Conan Doyle locked in a room with nothing but this film’s original negative, a ball-peen hammer and a can of gasoline. Consider the possibilities.” – Vince’s AA sponsor Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

Armchair Analysis: I think I was drunk when I watched the first Sherlock Holmes film, and I remember it being very confusing and just messy. But that does nothing to change the fact that I would watch two hours of Robert Downey Jr. shaving a dog and I would probably love it. Also, that Jude Law ain’t so hard to look at, am I right, girls?

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 93% critics (Wait, what?), 88% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The film also wastes the coiled intensity of Jeremy Renner, as the newest member of the IMF team with a none-too-compelling past. Bird does keep audiences guessing whether Renner is the only leading actor in Hollywood who’s even shorter than Cruise.” – Lou Lumenick, New York Post (Oh Lou, you sassy bird!)

“Most important, the Tom Cruise we know and love is back. Over the past few years, Suri’s daddy has been more known for Scientology and media rants than the box office. As star and producer in Mission Impossible, he has returned to the iconic star we remember. This just might be the comeback film for Cruise, who turns 50 in July.” – Clay Cane, BET (Good Lord, I forgot Cruise is that old.)

Armchair Analysis: I loved the first Mission: Impossible film because it was simple and charming while providing decent suspense. The second was a complete turd, and the third could have been quite enjoyable if not for the ridiculous ending with Tom Cruise simply walking away with his bride like you can just up and leave a job as a super spy. That’s why I’m admittedly excited to see Ghost Protocol. I really want to see if they’re going to just completely ignore 3’s horrible ending and simply move ahead. I hope they at least start 4 with Michelle Monaghan leaving Ethan Hunt for another man. Let’s be consistent with garbage plot points.

[FYI: Here’s Vince’s review]

Young Adult

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 82% critics, 73% audience, 0% Mancini

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Admittedly, there are some laughs here. Most come courtesy of Matt (Patton Oswalt), the overweight-geek former classmate of Mavis who improbably reconnects with her upon her arrival in Mercury, Minn. Matt is the kind of guy who was invisible to the cool kids like Mavis in high school. He spends the rest of the film trying to talk her out of her scheme through a barrage of sardonic wisecracks.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post

“It’s a relief to see her in a breezy comedy like ‘Young Adult.’ The movie doesn’t weigh that much, but it has a kind of point-blank piquancy that has gradually seeped out of American comedies, which now are mostly going for broad, topical gags that rarely venture into the relatable shadows of human behavior.” – Wesley Morris, Boston Globe

Armchair Analysis: I know that I included Young Adult in last week’s WMG, but that was when it was only in limited release. Now it’s in wide release and I want to encourage people to see Charlize Theron’s latest film so she’ll be like, “Wow Burnsy, that’s awful nice of you. Why don’t you and I run away together and live off of my small fortune on our own island where we’ll sex each other daily?” Or something like that.

[FYI: Here’s Vince’s review. Yes, this is Vince typing this. Burnsy is such a dick.]

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 10% critics, 71% audience (Haha, America loves terrible animated retreads.)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Not to sound like a rodent-hating Scrooge, but what do hyperactive, computer-generated chipmunks and their squeaky renditions of pop songs have to do with the holidays? This is their third December outing since 2007. With much more inventive family fare such as Hugo and Arthur Christmas also in theaters, why would anyone attend another silly Chipmunks movie?” – Claudia Puig, USA Today (See? Claudia gets it.)

“The real tragedy is the music. One of signatures of the Chipmunks from the beginning back in the late ’50s, and the few real pleasures of these films has been the ridiculously funny covers of top pop songs, with their version of Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)’ in ‘Squeakquel’ a classic. In ‘Chipwrecked,’ Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’ and ‘Born This Way”’ were supposed to be the moneymakers. But when the Chipmunks take them on, the Gaga is gone and it all sounds terribly tame.” – Betsy Sharkey, L.A. Times (Pretty sure they suck either way, Betsy.)

Armchair Analysis: The only value of this film is to determine who is or isn’t a good parent. Don’t be a bad parent.