Weekend Movie Guide: You Sank My J-Lo

Opening Everywhere: Battleship, What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Never Heard of ‘Em: The Samaritan, Hysteria

FilmDrunk Suggests: This is the rare weekend that features two movies that I will see within the next week or so because *wink, wink* I just have that gut feeling. But if you haven’t seen Marvel’s The Avengers yet, I can’t recommend it enough. Especially so I can keep shouting: OMG ARE THEY GOING TO DO THE INFINITY GAUNTLET??? THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!


Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Director Peter Berg has apparently conceived of his production design as homage to (and improvement on) the works of Michael Bay — from Battleship’s militaristic grandstanding to its absurd romance, endlessly spinning action set pieces and deafening metal-on-metal sound effects.” – Steven James Snyder, TIME (Seriously, every time I see a commercial, all I think is: “This looks like Michael Bay jerked off all over a storyboard.”)

“In the set-up, we meet a shiftless beach bum named Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), whose brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgard) is a naval officer. In a bar, Alex hits on the lithesome Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker), who wouldn’t you know is the daughter of the admiral of the fleet (Liam Neeson). Breaking into a convenience store to get her a burrito, Alex is arrested and his brother delivers an ultimatum: Join the Navy or else.” – Roger Ebert (I know that isn’t a review, but…)

Armchair Analysis: Holy sh*t, did you read that paragraph from Ebert? This movie looks – based on every commercial and trailer that I have seen – like it was constructed like a Lego tower of action film clichés. In fact, when I see Battleship, because I’m honestly attracted to it like a moth to a light, I wouldn’t even bat a lash if an old black janitor who used to be a Navy SEAL shouts, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t” while firing a Civil War cannon at an alien ship. In fact, this movie could feature 30 minutes of footage from Independence Day, Armageddon and Transformers and nobody would know the difference.

But to be fair, which is something I’m trying hard to be better at, I hope I’m wrong, because I like Peter Berg and I want him to make a good movie, mother f*cker!

What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Jennifer Lopez and Rodrigo Santoro play a couple grappling with adoption, but that topic is too emotionally fraught for this breezy film. (Ditto for the hospital-room scares, which provide weak drama.) The one demographic missing: single mothers. Well, maybe next census.” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday (Yeah, because this film really seems like it needs that one last cliché to be perfect.)

“To say that a motion picture was not entirely the hellish torment that one viewer might have been, um, expecting could be considered damning with faint praise.” – Glenn Kenney, MSN Movies

Armchair Analysis: Hopefully, with this film and Think Like a Man soon out of the way, we can get past this nasty, misleading trend of turning “self help” books into movies. These books in themselves are no different than any Nigerian prince scam, with people of notoriety preying on the weak-minded to give them the most obvious advice, or even the advice that never works. In this case, we get a cookie cutter rom-com about a group of friends who conveniently cover every stereotype there is about pregnancy, and for what? To tell us what we already know – that pregnancy is different for everyone.

And sure, I’m being a negative Nancy again, but don’t you at least want something original for your $10? Wouldn’t you rather have Knocked Up over Durrrrrr, Women Get Angry?

Also, the black friend has three kids. Because it’s hilarious, you see.

The Samaritan

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Wilkinson

My Guess: After seeing the news that Ryan Gosling has saved yet another pedestrian’s life, Samuel L. Jackson becomes inspired to go around doing good deeds for people. However, after losing his job at the helicopter engine factory, Tom Wilkinson has the opposite revelation and they clash in what becomes the most polite fight in movie history.

Actual Plot: “After twenty‐five years in prison, Foley (Samuel L. Jackson) is finished with the grifter’s life. When he meets an elusive young woman named Iris (Ruth Negga), the possibility of a new start looks real. But his past is proving to be a stubborn companion: Ethan (Luke Kirby), the son of his former partner, has an ingenious plan and he wants Foley in. The harder Foley tries to escape his past, the tighter he is ensnared in Ethan’s web of secrets, until it becomes all too clear to Foley that some wrongs can never be made right.”


Starring: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hugh Dancy

My Guess: Maggie Gyllenhaal is cast as a leading lady, people laugh uncontrollably for two hours.

Actual Plot: “Hysteria is a romantic comedy with an accomplished cast led by Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hugh Dancy, Jonathan Pryce, Felicity Jones and Rupert Everett, that tells an untold tale of discovery – the surprising story of the birth of the electro-mechanical vibrator at the very peak of Victorian prudishness.”

(And now I remember this movie. They should just call it The History of the Vibratorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”