Relief Washes Over Nation as America’s Most Obnoxious Couple Soldiers On

Will Smith and his obnoxiously over-accessorized family have been turning their nauseating, Christmas newsletter anecdotes into nauseating puff pieces for years now, helping make Smith one of the most sought-after (and barfed after) movie stars in the country. So it really would’ve been shocking to hear that they’d broken up like inTouch reported this morning. Or at least, bad for business. But fear not, they’re still together. Hooray, I only hope they turn this into a revenue stream somehow!

In a joint statement from Will and Jada, they tell Entertainment Tonight, “Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”
A sentiment their son Jaden shares, as he Tweeted, “#ItsAllLies.” [ET]

Great! I hope this means all future movie remakes starring his dumb wiener kids are still on! Christ, can’t you people just buy horses and leave us alone like the other rich assh*les? The Smith family is like the family whose kids’ names all start with the same letter, meets the family with stick figure decals on the back of the mini-van, meets the family where the parents are a little too involved with the kids’ sports, meets the family with the humble-braggy holiday newsletter they send out every year. Only in their case, their stupid newsletter goes out to the WHOLE WORLD and the sports team the dad is too involved with is called “The Jadens” and his kid’s face is on everyone’s jersey, which is sponsored by Nike. God they suck.

[picture from ArchitecturalDigest via SmokingSection]