If you’re familiar at all with the long, storied and quite honorable history of the MTV Movie Awards, you know that the biggest winners are almost always the top A-listers that agree to show up. That’s why Daniel Day Lewis’s best performances have been embraced by the Academy Awards and shunned by the network formerly known as Music Television; however, I’m sure he would have had a better chance if his Lincoln had fought just one supernatural villain. So based on that theory, we can take a look at the 2014 MTV Movie Awards nominations that were announced today and determine which of these stars and films will be the big winners.
The Wolf of Wall Street and American Hustle have eight nominations each to lead the way, while The Hunger Games: Catching Fire has seven and We’re the Millers has six. That’s right, the MTV Movie Awards, where We’re the Millers is a greater cinematic achievement than 12 Years a Slave, which has five nominations… the same as Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. But obviously the MTV Movie Awards caters to a far different audience than the awards ceremonies that honor, you know, the best movies of the year, so let’s take a look at the complete rundown.
Hosted by Conan O’Brien, the MTV Movie Awards will air live on April 13 at 9 PM ET. I doubt we’ll have a drinking game for it, unless you count “Drink every time 12 Years a Slave loses an award to We’re the Millers and Hunger Games” because that’s going to get daddy hammered.
Movie of the Year
12 Years a Slave
American Hustle
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
The Wolf of Wall Street
Prediction: It’s important to remember that the winners are “voted on” by MTV viewers. I have that in quotes because I still think it’s bullshit. If Leonardo DiCaprio agrees to show up, The Wolf of Wall Street cleans up. Same with Jennifer Lawrence and Hunger Games. But because of the voting aspect, it’s insane that 12 Years a Slave was even nominated for anything, because teenagers haven’t watched that movie. So when The Hunger Games: Catching Fire wins, get ready for thousands of people to write scathing takedowns of the MTV Movie Awards and the future of America.
Best Male Performance
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave
Josh Hutcherson, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Prediction: Congratulations Josh Hutcherson on beating the guy who just won Best Actor at the Academy Awards.
Best Female Performance
Amy Adams, American Hustle
Jennifer Aniston, We’re the Millers
Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave
Sandra Bullock, Gravity
Prediction: We won’t see another beautiful acceptance speech from Lupita Nyong’o, that’s for sure. I pick Jennifer Aniston because appearing at the MTV Movie Awards is the most Jennifer Aniston thing to do.
Best Scared as Shit Performance
Brad Pitt, WWZ
Ethan Hawke, The Purge
Jessica Chastain, Mama
Rose Byrne, Insidious: Chapter 2
Vera Farmiga, The Conjuring
Prediction: Honestly, I can’t believe 12 Years a Slave wasn’t nominated here. But I predict a Brad Pitt video acceptance, or possibly Taran Killam accepting on his behalf.
Breakthrough Performance
Liam James, The Way, Way Back
Margot Robbie, The Wolf of Wall Street
Michael B. Jordan, Fruitvale Station
Miles Teller, The Spectacular Now
Will Poulter, We’re the Millers
Prediction: Margot Robbie is red hot right now and would definitely attend, so she’ll win. Or the voters will pick Miles Teller, because they watched 21 and Over and not The Spectacular Now. Either way, Michael B. Jordan’s brilliant performance goes unnoticed.
Best On-Screen Duo
Amy Adams and Christian Bale, American Hustle
Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, Ride Along
Jonah Hill and Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street
Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, Fast & Furious 6
Prediction: Ride Along seems like such a sure bet, but MTV won’t miss the chance to have Vin Diesel accept the award and wax poetic on his friend.
Best Shirtless Performance
Chris Hemsworth, Thor: The Dark World
Jennifer Aniston, We’re the Millers
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street
Sam Claflin, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Zac Efron, That Awkward Moment
Prediction: If Aniston wins Best Female Performance, she wins this, too. Otherwise it’s the Hunger Games dude or Efron because they’re so hunky. Either way, Chiwetel Ejiofor was robbed.
Best Fight
Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy, Identity Thief
Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson and Sam Claflin, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen and James Franco, This is the End
Orlando Bloom and Evangeline Lilly, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
The entire cast, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Prediction: Will Ferrell and Co. show up in costume to accept the award or Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen smoke a doobie on stage again, because that’s sooooooo edgy.
Best Kiss
Ashley Benson, James Franco and Vanessa Hudgens, Spring Breakers
Emma Roberts, Jennifer Aniston and Will Poulter, We’re the Millers
Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams, American Hustle
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson, Don Jon
Shailene Woodley and Miles Teller, The Spectacular Now
Prediction: Jennifer Aniston again. It’s the biggest night of her career!
#WTF Moment
Cameron Diaz, The Counselor
Channing Tatum and Danny McBride, This is the End
Johnny Knoxville and Jackson Nicoll, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street
Steve Carell, Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd and David Koechner, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Prediction: It has a hashtag because people are buzzing about it. The C-Tates reveal in This is the End was the only actual “WTF” moment on this list. But it’ll probably be Bad Grandpa because MTV and all.
Best Villain
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips
Benedict Cumberbatch, Star Trek Into Darkness
Donald Sutherland, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
Mila Kunis, Oz the Great and Powerful
Prediction: Jesus, I can’t wait to see which of these “villains” is more evil and terrible than Michael Fassbender’s Edwin Epps. Also, where’s the love for Tom Hiddleston? I’m guessing Mila Kunis will win this so they can lure Ashton Kutcher back home to MTV.
Best Musical Moment
Backstreet Boys, This is the End
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street
Melissa McCarthy, Identity Thief
Will Poulter, We’re the Millers
Prediction: Remember when a musical moment was an actual song and not the hilaaaaaaaaarious joke of someone singing an old song from the 80s or 90s as script filler? Go ahead and give it to the Backstreet Boys for being cool enough to play along with being the butt of a joke.
Best Comedic Performance
Jason Sudeikis, We’re the Millers
Johnny Knoxville, Bad Grandpa
Jonah Hill, The Wolf of Wall Street
Kevin Hart, Ride Along
Melissa McCarthy, The Heat
Prediction: Kevin Hart probably. I like how nobody from This is the End was nominated, though. The funniest movie of the year had no great comedic performances. Michael Cera and Danny McBride were robbed.
Best On-Screen Transformation
Christian Bale, American Hustle
Elizabeth Banks, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Orlando Bloom, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Prediction: Yes, Elizabeth Banks’s dystopian clown costume is much more impressive than Jared Leto’s transgender performance.
Best Cameo
Amy Poehler and Tin Fey, Anchorman 2
Joan Rivers, Iron Man 3
Kanye West, Anchorman 2
Rihanna, This is the End
Robert De Niro, American Hustle
Prediction: I hate this category and these nominees so much. Rihanna in This is the End? She had one stupid line. There were dozens of cameos in that movie that were better. And Kanye was probably the third worst cameo in Anchorman 2 behind Drake and Will Smith. I hope Amy and Tina win, but I guarantee it’s Rihanna.
Best Hero
Channing Tatum, White House Down
Chris Hemsworth, Thor: The Dark World
Henry Cavill, Man of Steel
Martin Freeman, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man 3
Prediction: If life is fair at all, C-Tates wins this. In reality, RDJ sends in a video acceptance.