Disney Wants A Sparkly Vampire To Play Indiana Jones

All of our attention has been focused squarely on Lucasfilm and Disney desperately trying to make a third Star Wars movie worth watching. But also up for debate is what’ll happen to everyone’s favorite archaeologist. And it’s nothing good, if current rumors are to be believed.

Namely, that Robert Pattinson is up for the role. Admittedly, our source here is The Daily Star, a British tabloid, which tend to have the same amount of accuracy as a blind drunk at a firing range. But even so, attempt not to cringe at the idea of R-Pattz trying to argue it belongs in a museum. Then get ready to realize that’s not even the worst part:

One Los Angeles insider said: “Disney is looking at its long-term options for the Indiana Jones franchise. They feel that the series has huge potential on many levels, starting with the films leading to other spin-offs like games which can generate more money than movies. Rob is top of the initial list because he has showed his acting stripes away from Twilight.”

If there’s one GIF that could sum up everything about that quote:

It’s not that we’re opposed to the idea of more Indiana Jones, per se. Or Pattinson, for that matter, who is actually quite a talented actor in movies like Cosmopolis, although nothing in those more serious roles indicate he’d be anything other than horribly miscast. Honestly, there are other, more appropriate casting rumors. And if the films are a prelude to a complete strip-mining of the franchise, no thanks.

Indiana Jones has had a… checkered history in other media. Young Indiana Jones was a well-meaning educational series that doesn’t really work, and bar two of the great adventure games, hasn’t done well in video games either. Also, Disney’s approach to video games is not to invest in lush AAA adventures. We’re talking about Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Microtransactions exclusively on Facebook and Dr. Jones Free Fall for Android.

So, yeah, Disney, if this is what we’re going to get, maybe it’s better just to let it go. Or at least start with, oh, we don’t know, a cartoon focused squarely on adults. Let’s see some 2D animated facemelting! Or some comic books!