‘Underworld’ Is Getting A Reboot Because The Rest Of Earth Has No Taste

Senior Contributor
08.28.14 9 Comments


It is often held that Americans are crass and uncultured, usually by civilizations that maintain that attitude of smugness right up until you find YouTube clips of their country’s terrible reality shows or point out all their favorite movies are American. And now, we’ve got something else to hang over the rest of the world’s heads: The Underworld series is getting rebooted and it’s not America’s fault.

The news is courtesy of the Hollywood Reporter, which says the guy who wrote Priest is handling the reboot script, so really, make of that what you will. Honestly, it’s not like there’s a long record of quality here; it’s pretty much just what Sony uses to fill in Resident Evil‘s off years, so we always have an imperious woman in latex kicking somebody in the face. You might be wondering, though, how a minor franchise where the best-performing entry topped out at $65 million in the US deserves a reboot.

The answer is found at Box Office Mojo, where for some reason Underworld Awakening made $95 million. Considering it only made $65 million in the US, and the budget was $70 million, this is clearly the fault of the rest of the planet. If you’d just listened to us when we told you it was terrible, it wouldn’t have made its money back and we wouldn’t be in this position. So, suck it, for once the fall of human civilization isn’t America’s fault! USA! USA! USA!

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