5 Things I Want to Say to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Growing up, I thought Mary-Kate and Ashley were the coolest. No, that doesn”t quite capture it. I thought they were the ultimate human beings, the physical manifestation of all that is good.

There were so many reasons to love Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. They were crime solvers they were singers they were adventurers they were slumber party hostesses they were international travellers they were TWINS. Ugh. They had TV shows and CDs and video series and book series and straight-to-VHS movies…

Are you one of the poor souls who have never seen “Billboard Dad”? How about “Passport to Paris”? “Winning London”? These are three of what seems like hundreds of delightfully formulaic films filled with outfits and adorableness so painfully on point you would never notice the plot. It is thanks to these girls and their movies that I discovered messenger bags, Capri pants, silk bandanas, Bonne Belle lip gloss, and halter tops, almost all of which have played important and profound roles in my life since then.

It turns out my instincts about them being too cool for life were right, because now they”re turning twenty-nine and more supremely special than ever before. With their acting careers behind them, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are now phenomenally successful fashion designers with a fierce artistic vision. The Row and Elizabeth & James are two of their biggest brands that have made them billionaires before thirty.  

Now, I may have misplaced my Mary-Kate and Ashley Fan Club box, but I still love these girls very much. So, instead of rattling off the facts you all already know (they look identical but they”re actual fraternal!), here are five things I want to say to Mary-Kate and Ashley on their 29th birthday:

•I”m glad you didn”t let anyone bully you into doing “Fuller House”, I know you have better things to do and am proud of you for that.

•Looking back at your prolific collection of movies, videos, and books based on those videos, I am experiencing the craziest tidal wave of nostalgia. I remember loving them all so much, would it be weird if I watched some now? Yeah, it would be weird.

•I admire you for pursuing lives in fashion instead of acting. You spent eighteen years in front of a camera, I love that you chose to go towards something that makes you happier. I hope you feel more free now.

•I read somewhere a long time ago that you don”t like being called “The Olsen Twins”, but prefer Mary-Kate and Ashley. Those are your names, after all. I”m sorry that sometimes I still refer to you as “The Olsen Twins”, I honestly try not to and always correct myself after.

•Thank you for sacrificing your childhood for the sake of our entertainment. Would it be weird to say you are like Jesus in this way? Yeah, it would be weird. But you kind of see the connection, right?

It would take pages and pages to properly celebrate Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen on their twenty-ninth birthdays, but this will have to do for now.  We”ve seen this duo in the spotlight for the full twenty-nine years they”ve been alive, and I”ve been following their careers with a magnifying glass ever since I was five and the in-flight movie was “It Takes Two”. Sometimes I think I know them more than I know myself. Am I me, or am I Mary-Kate and Ashley? It”s hard to tell. Happy birthday Mary-Kate and Ashley, I”m twenty-five years old and still struggling to find the words to adequately describe how I adore you!