‘Big Brother’ recap: The first two players land on the block

It’s the first “real” episode of “Big Brother” tonight, and by real, I mean it’s the first episode to get down and dirty in the essence of the game — strategy, backstabbing and the creation of fledgling alliances. A lot hangs on Willie, but I’m not too worried. He seems to by bypassing his brother Russell’s more evil characteristics on “Survivor” but has taken away an understanding of game play. So let’s see if the ragin’ Cajun (hey, it’s on his T-shirt) lives up to his potential!

>After three minutes of recapping the one episode we’ve seen thus far (at this rate, we’ll be watching a half hour of explanation every week), we explore a little bit of the aftermath of Jodi’s quickie eviction. Dan reveals he evicted her because Danielle and Kara, his other two teammates, are besties. It had nothing to do with them being hot, not at all! Boogie isn’t particularly sad about Jodi’s ouster, as he’s spent more time with the person giving him turkey at the deli counter than he had with Jodi. That Boogie, the picture of sensitivity!

Because this game is, ultimately, all about alliances, Boogie and Dan waste no time creating theirs. Dan admits it’s a deal with the devil, but he’s fine with that and jumps right in. Dan and Boogie think themselves veddy veddy clever to create their alliance, unaware that Britney and Janelle are doing the exact same thing. Janelle thinks Dan and Boogie are all about creating chaos in the house, and she’s really not wrong.

>Time to see the HOH raoom! Jenn thinks it’s slamming, as it’s very Zen. Ian is mad jelly (jealous) about it, and declares it a room worth playing for. I have my doubts about whether Ian will ever get into that HOH room, as he’s emerging as a world class annoyance in the house. It’s a shame, as he did have some moments of insight and humor in the interview room, but I can see where he’d get on my nerves in a red hot minute if I had to live with the guy. Also, he really needs to put on a shirt. And buy some shorts that don’t look so much like boxers.

Britney is initially thrilled to discover she gets her own private room, being the coach of the HOH. But there’s no door between her room and Willie’s. Bad for privacy, good for game play.

The next thing we see is Ian exploring the house, thinking that everyone is asleep. But they’re NOT. Oh, Ian, you may be a great chemical engineer someday, but you have a real surfeit of common sense. Britney, Janelle and Willie are watching his antics on the television in the HOH room, writhing with laughter as they see him crawl around, fart (yes, fart) and wipe some sort of kitchen implement on his shorts. Britney thinks it’s pretty pathetic that the guy who can’t stop talking about having seen every episode of “Big Brother” seemingly forgot about the live camera feed to the HOH room, and she is so not wrong.

The next day, it’s time to strategize. Willie, Britney, Janelle, JoJo and Shane gather in the HOH room, where Willie confesses to having a target on his back due to his brother being (shocker!) Russell Hantz of “Survivor.” JoJo doesn’t care; she can take on any villain, word. Anyway, Willie and Britney float the idea of joining forces with Janelle’s team, and Janelle quickly gets her people on board. Joe, who is on Janelle’s team, is the most excited about this. “All the way to the big house, baby!” he hoots. I think Joe may also want to work on his social game as a back-up plan, because all the hooting and yelping is going to get old, fast, no matter how well he cooks.

Willie does want some insurance, though — so he approaches Frank, who’s on Boogie’s team. Frank admits Boogie hasn’t talked a lick of strategy with him, and asks Willie if he’s talked strategy with his coach, Britney. “It is what it is,” is his non-answer, meaning, duh, yes. Frank tells Willie he’s playing his own game, not Boogie’s game, so he’s glad to form an alliance with Willie. Willie, Willie, Frank is the most popular person in the house (as we’re repeatedly reminded by several hamsters in this episode), so he may take you to the final two — but no further. Just a thought.

>Elsewhere in the house, Janelle is talking about amniotic fluid with Wil and Britney. I can’t believe anyone is talking to her about childbirth, but I guess that’s how you form an alliance. Ian comes into the room and, not surprisingly, can”t join in on the topic. So what does he do? He paces around on his tippy-toes, of course! That’s extremely normal behavior! Wil thinks Ian has to go, as he’s creeped out by the guy. Danielle thinks Ian”s trying to see her take a shower, so she’s creeped out by the guy.

And yes, Willie thinks Ian”s a good target for eviction, because everyone finds him creepy. Britney, feeling creeped out, is worried he”s going to watch her sleep. We then see Creepy Ian dance naked in the house with Joe”s cowboy hat over his privates. So, I’m guessing Joe hates him, too, as I can’t think there are many ways to sanitize a cowboy hat.

Boogie talks to Frank, who reveals he thinks he has almost no chance of being nominated Boogie is impressed to know Frank has had conversations with Willie and locked up an alliance outside his own team. Boogie has big plans for Frank, big plans. If Boogie had a mustache, he’d twirl it.

Julie Chen calls the hamsters to the floor. Time for a twist! Or something! We learn the coaches must battle against each other for the power to grant one of their players safety for the week. Janelle is the comp queen, so she has a huge reputation to uphold. Britney is not good at competition, as she has the strength of a six month old. Oh, and the coach”s competition will determine the have-not”s for the week.

The Coach Competition (cleverly named!) involves a fake horse race on a slippery track. The coaches race in pairs, and the winner wins by catching up to the other “horse” and yanking off its tail. Frank loves the outfit, as it makes Britney look like she”s giving birth to a baby pony. Boogie wins against Britney. Thinking strategically, Dan knows he”s got to throw it, as whoever wins will be making his or her other players targets. “Whether or not they knew I threw it depends on how stupid these players are.” I think Dan needs a day of reckoning. 

In the final race, Boogie also wins against Janelle, and decides to go all alpha male gorilla, demanding, “Any question?” Knowing that everyone hates Ian, he elects to grant him safetly. Dammit! Willie is devastated, as he was looking forward to sending home the one person everyone wanted to send home. Everyone but Boogie, of course, who doesn’t want to lose a team member. 

The coaches then learn that every coach must pick one of his or her own players to be a have-not for the week. Britney picks Shane, Dan picks Danielle, and Janelle picks Ashley. Boogie picks Ian. Ian is so excited to try the slop! It”s not pleasant, but it”s not terrible. “It”s the essence of mediocre dining.” Now we know.

The have-nots also  have to sleep in a crazy making room. The beds are on a 30 degree grade, curved and triangle shaped, plus they’re made out of bumpy metal. Basically, none of the have-nots are sleeping all week. It’s just not possible. “Big Brother” may not make any effort at all to update the challenges. “Hey, look! A slippery track! Stupid costumes! Big things to slide under! Zzzzzzz….” but when it comes to sadism, the show can’t be beat.  

Boogie and Dan have a leisurely chat in the back yard. “Sometimes I forget how young and naïve these people are,” Boogie says with mock sympathy. He”d rather Jenn go on the block than Frank, as he thinks Frank can win the whole shebang. Of course, he thinks the hamsters are too stupid to kick Frank out, even though he”s their biggest threat.
While I want to kick Boogie in the head, Dan isn’t much better. Dan thinks the longer he”s around, the more damage he can do. He seems to think he’s in an Al Pacino movie from the ’90s rather than an admittedly goofy, usually humiliating reality TV show. Dan and Boogie don”t think Britney and Janelle have become an alliance. “They aren”t on our level,” Boogie sneers. I now desperately want either Britney or Janelle to kick their asses.
In the kitchen, Joe is not making friends. He cooks all the food and apparently doesn”t share it, then throws it away. Joe thinks he’s got insurance by playing chef, but nothing could be further from the truth, as wasted food means no food at the end of the week. Britney thinks they”re going to have to learn to eat teabags. Boogie thinks Joe should go on the block, and makes this helpful suggestion to Willie. Boogie thinks Joe might self-destruct and send himself home! Technically, if Willie didn’t have alliances, this might seem like a good move for Willie. Everyone seems to have Joe on their list of “Things we hate almost as much as Ian,” so Willie wouldn’t be criticized. Boogie thinks he has planted the seed with Willie. Because Boogie, with his insane ego, can’t imagine anyone in the house has an alliance. They’re all so naive and foolish! Mwahahaha! 
Willie”s so confused! Britney knows her players are safe and Janelle”s players are safe… as long as Willie doesn”t flip the script. Britney, unlike Boogie, has the common sense to think anything is possible. Willie thinks the coaches will be surprised by his nominations. They don”t see this coming. Oh, Lord. Don”t be stupid, Willie!
The first key goes to… JoJo.
The second key goes to… Shane.
The third key goes to… Wil.
The fourth key goes to… Danielle.
The fifth key goes to… Ashley.
The sixth key goes to… Jenn.
The last key goes to… Joe.
On the block are Kara and Frank. Savvy move by Willie. Willie admits it was hard, as he likes everyone. He tells Kara he’s barely spoken to her, and tells Frank he felt close to him initially, and then “things got weird.” I don’t know if that’s just subterfuge or things actually got weird, but it doesn’t matter. Willie made a great move — if no one wins immunity. I wouldn’t want to have Frank as an enemy, but I’m not sure I’d want him in an alliance, either. 
Frank is flabbergasted. Willie came to him and wanted to make a deal with him! Willie is determined to stay in the house. Kara feels like crap and seems defeated before the battle has even begun. Britney is glad Willie listened to her. A successful first week of coaching for her! Willie declares it”s a great week to be HOH. I hope he’s right.
Boogie is incensed! How dare anyone not follow his directions so that he can win! He thinks, if you nominate one of his players, “you might have some trouble coming your way.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Boogie thinks he’s old moves are going to work this time around, I wouldn’t worry about him at all. 
Who do you think is going home? Do you think Ian will be in danger next week? Do you think Boogie and Dan are as clever as they think they are?

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