It's Judgement Night on “American Idol” and, once again, my feelings are simple:
If Jessica, CJ or Sam goes home? Business as usual.
If Caleb, Jena or Alex goes home? We burn this thing to the ground.
And if Grumpy Cat returns for the second straight show? Well, that's just gravy!
9:00 p.m. ET. I'm watching the tag for the “Parks & Recreation” finale. Priorities, y'all!
9:01 p.m. GRUMPY CAT IS BACK!
9:01 p.m. Does that me that my prediction was wrong? Will Grumpy Cat be sent home?
9:02 p.m. Jennifer Lopez Fashion Show Time. She's shiny in gold. Very shiny. And, once again, she's incapable of kneeling to greet her supplicants. And Keith is actually wearing a tie tonight. “It's like a dare,” he admits. “Someone told me it was the finale. I got confused,” he says.
9:04 p.m. Carrie Underwood tweeted kindly about Caleb and Jena. That was good of her.
9:04 p.m. But what happened after the show at Caleb's Birthday Dinner? Awww. His mother made hamburgers and deviled eggs! The slo-mo replay of Caleb's mic-fu from last night is terrific. Jena's playing instigator tonight, chiding Sam about the girls in the crowd who touched his hand. And Caleb got a cake.
9:09 p.m. Tonight's Ford Commercial is about revealing secrets. Jena sleepwalks. Jessica's really a blonde. And Sam does an impression of a dying duck? Or… something.
9:10 p.m. Ryan jokes that Harry is also a natural blonde and joke, “Remember that time we steamed?” Oh.
9:11 p.m. It'll be a Bottom Two tonight, beginning with Caleb Johnson, Sam Woolf and CJ Harris. Randy thinks Caleb had an amazing night and that Sam had “a good, solid night.” However, Randy figures that CJ needs to pick better songs and is in trouble.
9:12 p.m. Sam Woolf is the first person safe. Since I had him with CJ in the Bottom Two, that's a very minor surprise. Also joining the Top 5 is… Caleb, of course. So CJ is in the Bottom Two, as you'd expect.
9:18 p.m. Now it's time to results for Jena Irene, Alex Preston and Jessica Meuse. Randy thinks Jena has the Eye of the Tiger. Alex is showing is artistry for Randy. And Jessica was only solid. He only predicts safety for Jena.
9:19 p.m. Jena is in the Top 5. Who will join CJ in the Bottom Two? It's Jessica. That means Alex is safe.
9:20 p.m. Either Jessica or CJ will go home and that's just fine. There's NOTHING happening in this episode. Holy Cow.
9:21 p.m. So these results episodes? They're “Dinner + Half-Results + Ford Commercial + Half-Results+Elimination.” It's almost astounding how little effort the producers are putting into luring viewers. I feel sad for “Surviving Jack,” which deserves better than this half-hearted lead-in.
9:23 p.m. “You know it's always hard,” J-Lo coos. “This is the nature of this competition. We have to get down to one winner,” she says. “I don't know what the 'right' Bottom Two means,” Harry tells Ryan. Keith says that it was about the performances night-to-night. Would Jess have done anything differently? “No.” Would CJ have done anything differently? Yes. He'd have chosen better songs.
9:25 p.m. The person leaving tonight is… CJ HARRIS. Yup. I like CJ, but that was the correct choice, America.
9:26 p.m. “Let's do it, man,” CJ says, before he makes J-Lo cry one last time. He departs with a fine version of “Can't You See.”
9:28 p.m. Awww. They all close with a hug, leaving Keith singing alone. Many tears are being shed by CJ, J-Lo, fellow contestants, CJ's family, etc.
9:28 p.m. “I'm very proud of him. He came a long way,” CJ's mom says.
9:29 p.m. Because there's literally nothing else anybody can think of to do, Ryan insists that they all hug again.
9:30 p.m. Time for “Surviving Jack.”
Happy? Sad? Ambivalent?