Ben and the girls are off to Belize, and Ben is so excited! I’m less excited because Courtney is still on the show. This girl practically defines the word simpering, and with the baby voice, the lip sucking and the general childishness, I can’t quite wrap my head around the idea that Ben has an interest in this manipulative, catty airhead. Each week that passes that doesn’t result in her getting the boot just convinces me that Ben is 1) stupid 2) completely superficial and/or 3) an insecure little boy who’s looking for someone as close to simple minded as possible so he can feel better about himself. In any case, I’m beginning to think that any of the girls who seem the least bit funny, smart or bubbly will really be better off getting kicked off the show at this point. Increasingly, it seems like dodging a bullet.
Emily says she’d in a suite with four other girls and a shark, the shark being Courtney. Like a shark, Emily wakes up around noon, and you never know when she’s going to bite. This is a much better metaphor than any of Emily’s germ-centric ones, so let’s go with it.
Chris Harrison arrives to bum out all the girls. Only four women will get roses. There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. There will be a rose up for grabs on the group date. It’s a huge week! Like every week! Finally, Chris hands out a card, and Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date. Nicki is realizing this is serious! And cries a little. And maybe Ben isn’t as serious about her as she is about him! I don’t feel like I’ve gotten a great read on Nicki, but she seems nice, so for her sake I hope Ben sends her home.
Ben arrives for his date with Lindzi. Emily feels that someone’s stolen her cheesecake. Her cheesecake in swim trunks. Emily, stop with the metaphors. I’m starting to miss the rap songs about infectious diseases.
Hey, Ben takes Lindzi somewhere in a helicopter! That’s new! They’re going to jump out of their helicopter into a good scuba diving spot. She freaks out, because she’s afraid of heights. But Ben always has the cure for anyone’s fears — he’s going to kiss her, because Ben has learned his kisses are MAGIC. And yet again, one kiss and Lindzi’s happily leaping into the wet blue yonder. Sigh. He’s worth the fall. No, no he’s not.
“Holy s—balls, I jumped out of a helicopter!” Lindzi squeals. Nice, Lindzi. But we won’t see them doing anything in the water, because it’s suddenly nightfall, they’re at Coco Beach Resort, and they’re drinking wine on a dock. Guess that coral reef wasn’t so memorable once Lindzi hopped into it and looked around.
Ben decides it’s time to talk turkey. He feels like every date gets better and better with her. Is she ready to take him home? Hell, yes. Lindzi knows she has to tell him how she feels. But she’s scared! Finally, she admits she’s falling in love with him. And wants to take him home with her. They write a letter in a bottle. They start with
“Once upon a tiime…” — just like the ABC show! How convenient! He wants to seal their bond with an eternal promise – basically, to be honest. Not a promise of fidelity or anything, just the promise that he’ll kick her to the curb the minute he’s not feeling it. Wow, that Ben, what a nice guy! Ben loves how vulnerable and open she is. He feels like he’s falling in love with this woman! Not that he’ll tell her that, of course. But at least she’s vulnerable and open.
Courtney thinks it’s time for her one-on-one. Because, like, she wants it. Kacie B., however, wants to kill her. The date card goes to… Emily! Courtney thinks this is not fair! This is her worst nightmare! She fake cries a little. I notice there’s lots of sniffling but no actual tears. BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T ACTUALLY LIKE BEN. Hey, that’s what at least two magazines I saw in the checkout line of Target said today, so I have to trust that they’re right. Kidding. Maybe.
Time for Emily’s date. Courtney can’t understand how Ben could keep Emily around when she hates her so! But Ben and Emily have a lovely time and ride bikes. They borrow a ball from some locals and play basketball. They drink coconut juice. They hold hands. She feels like she’s on vacation with her boyfriend! Except he has five other girlfriends, so it’s sort of like going on vacation with a polygamist, I suppose. They go diving for lobsters, which are surprisingly fast but, I’m guessing, quite delicious. How can Ben not love Emily? She’s a Ph.D candidate, for crying out loud. Oh, she’s probably too smart and honest and doesn’t talk like a baby, so she’s not for him at all.
Back at the suite, Courtney bitches to Lindzi about how Ben isn’t on her side! Because he’s with Emily! And he should SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD! Oh, wait, that’s what Courtney wants to do. She won’t introduce him to her family if she’s not sure he’s the one. She pretends to cry. And if she doesn’t get a one-on-one, she won’t accept a rose! So there! Lindzi pretends to care.
On the date, Ben and Emily dance at the Lazy Lizard. He’s had a great date with Emily! He asks her if she’s confident enough to take him back to her family. She was looking for a strong connection, and they had one that day, and she’s ready to take that step. And her family would love him. He proposes a toast. He’s happy to be there and had an incredible day. They kiss. So, good date.
Unfortunately, Courtney gets the last one-on-one. BARF. Nicki is so bummed, and so is Kacie B. It took every fiber of her being not to punch Courtney in the face. Oh, that would have been SO awesome. It’s not because she’s jealous, mind you. She just wants to punch Courtney because she’s a piece of crap person. Ah, Kacie B. You may be young, but you are wise!
Ben takes Courtney to a Mayan temple. She needs to tell him how she’s feeling. She had a tough day knowing he was with Emily. She was the person who was mean to her! Then, she tells him that if she hadn’t gotten a one-on-one she wasn’t going to accept a rose from him. Instead of telling Courtney she’s acting like a spoiled little brat, Ben seems CRUSHED by this. Again, I am sticking to my theory that Ben is an idiot.
Having listened to Courtney bitch all day, Nicki and Kacie B. tell Emily that she was right from the beginning. But Emily says she’ll never make the mistake of complaining about Courtney to Ben again. Good! Nicki and Kacie B. aren’t eager to make Emily’s mistake, either. They’re sure she’ll dig her own grave. Of course, Ben won’t notice because he’ll be so entranced by her whiny little baby voice and her inability to use big words.
Ben says he would be DEVASTATED if Courtney doesn’t feel the same way about him. He’s amazed that she’s been able to hang on. He wants to console her. He thinks that, out of anyone who’s been on the show, she’s the one who’s shown she cares. He thinks he’s a weird guy, and he thinks she’s… unique. He likes the little things about her. He wants to meet her family.
Ben is SO incredible stupid it boggles the mind that he can stand upright, chew gum or hold down a job.
Stlll, this is enough to appease Miss Babytalk. Ben is SO glad when Courtney tells him the spark is relit. She REALLY likes what she sees and she’d love to take him home to her parents. They both believe in soul mates. Ben feels like she could be part of his future. He had a crazy moment of clarity. She sucks on her overbite like an annoying, bratty two-year-old on “Toddlers & Tiaras.” She apparently thinks this is cute. So does Ben. It’s not.
Because she can say almost any stupid thing to Ben without repercussions, Courtney whines that the girls haven’t tried to get to know her. And she’s tried so hard! She’s been so nice to them! She’s SO bored by these girls! They’re so vanilla! Ben notes that maybe Courtney doesn’t have the ability to connect with others. Courtney says she’s the talent in her job! She can adapt to anything! Ben notices that she’s getting defensive. Not that Ben cares. He thinks she’s swell!
Final date card. Rachel, Nicki and Kacie B. will be next to see Ben. Or sea, as all of these cards are pretty punny.
Ben drops into their suite at 4 a.m. to wake them up. They’re going to have a GREAT date! On the ocean! There is some frantic shaving going on in the bathroom, as the three girls will be wearing bikinis. They board a catamaran and they’re going to be… shark diving. Rachel is terrified of sharks. So, she has an excuse to monopolize Ben.
It turns out these sharks aren’t that interested in people, as they aren’t Great Whites or anything. But Rachel is still happy to squeal and act scared. This should appeal to Ben, because he likes to think women are oversized children with breasts whom he needs to take care of. That Geico caveman hair isn’t an accident, people.
They head back to the girls’ place. Rachel tells Ben she wants to bring him home. They kiss. Nicki wants to bring him home. They kiss. Kacie B. wants to bring him home. They kiss. So, who gets the rose?
Kacie B. gets the rose. She is super excited! Kacie B. is definitely making it to the final two. Courtney thinks she’s too young, of course, but I’d argue that Kacie B. acts a lot more mature than Courtney.
Now that the rose has been taken care of, Nicki and Rachel probably decide they have nothing to lose, so why not bag on Courtney after all? Nicki tells Ben it’s hard not to say something about someone they worry about. Who? Ben asks. Ben is given vague suggestions that he’s not seeing the real Courtney.
Cocktail party. Everyone is nervous except Courtney. She’s feeling good! She’s so confident. She plays with her mixed drink. She has a chewwy on top, yum, yum! It tastes so ummy-ummy! My GOD can someone SLAP her?
Time for the cocktail party! But there is no cocktail party. Ben doesn’t want to delay the inevitable. Ooof. Rachel would have liked more time. Lindzi agrees. Courtney thinks they need to use their time wisely, like SHE does. She feels VERY confident. She’s ready to get rid of some girls!
Ben enters and says that he thinks all the women are extraordinary. But he needs to talk to Courtney for a minute. The other girls are immediately aflutter. She could be going home! Oh, happy day!
One on one with Courtney, Ben wants to know if she is “in” this. What does he think she’s going to say? Duh. She’s sure she can make him happy! She’s been nothing but honest and open! And she knows he’s dumb enough to believe her! Ben leads Courtney back to the ceremony. Oh, it is way too much to hope he’s clueing in to her being a total dirtbag.
First rose goes to… Nicki.
Second rose goes to… Lindzi.
The last rose goes to… COURTNEY?
He’s sending Emily HOME? For the baby talking, lip-sucking, simpering IDIOT?
Courtney skips like a little brat and waves her rose. Emily does not break down, and I’m sure that’s because she doesn’t want to give Little Miss Overbite the satisfaction. Emily thinks Ben deserves someone honest and open, and she only hopes he can see who Courtney really is. I think Emily is giving Ben too much credit.
So, Courtney’s back. And I hope Ben marries her, doesn’t sign a pre-nup, and promptly gets taken to the cleaners. Because at this point, he just deserves it. Next week, home visits!
Were you surprised Ben still won’t believe the other girls about Courtney? Were you shocked that Emily got the boot? And do you think Ben actually feels a connection with Courtney?