“The Bachelor” is back, and he is Sean Lowe. You know, the sweet, clean-cut guy who had his heart handed to him by Emily Maynard on “The Bachelorette.” As you might expect, he’s very humble and feels very blessed and just can’t wait to settle down and start a family. “God still has another plan for me,” he says sweetly and humbly.
After we listen to our bachelor talk about himself, we get to watch him in his element, sort of like a chimp released from his feeding area to gambol on fake rocks and a tire swing. Sean rolls around with his tiny niece and nephew, and we learn his niece has THE BEST PLAYHOUSE EVER. “I’m only going to get engaged once,” he swears, apparently forgetting that he’s looking for love on a TELEVISION SHOW. I’m sorry, this show tends to bring out my loud, all-caps side.
Fortunately, his “Bachelorette” castmate Arie comes around to cut through the treacle with a playa comb. He wants to help Sean, who has no discernible game, work on his break-up techniques. “What have you said in the past to girls? You can’t say you’re moving,” Arie says.
Sean agrees. “I can’t say it’s not you it’s me, because its obviously going to be them,” he says, ensuring that every girl who gets kicked off the show feels a little worse about herself when she starts watching the show. Arie, who is apparently the world’s best kisser, gives Sean some pointers. Make eye contact! Hold her head! Not like a melon, like you like her! Come on, Sean, you can do it! Oh, and you kiss with your whole body. But not your whole tongue. That’s gross.
Before we meet our bachelorettes, I am giving you a list of all of them. You can refer back to this throughout the season. And if you do, wow, you are seriously into this show, aren’t you?
Amanda, 26, fit model, Newport Beach, CA
AshLee F., 32, personal organizer, Houston, TX
Ashley H., 25, fashion model, Denver, CO
Ashley P., 28, hair stylist, Macomb, MI
Brooke, 25, community organizer, Pittsburgh, PA
Catherine, 26, graphic designer, Seattle, WA
Daniella, 24, commercial casting associate, San Francisco, CA
Desiree, 26, bridal stylist, Los Angeles, CA
Diana, 31, salon owner, Salt Lake City, UT
Jackie, 25, cosmetics consultant, Boynton Beach, FL
Katie, 27, yoga instructor, Charlotte, NC
Kelly, 28, cruise ship entertainer, Nashville, TN
Keriann, 29, entrepreneur, Boca Raton, FL
Kristy, 25, model, Darien, WI
Lacey, 24, graduate student, Valencia, CA
Lauren, 27, journalist, Cranston, RI
Lesley M., 25, political consultant, Washington, D.C.
Leslie H., 29, poker dealer, Los Angeles, CA
Lindsay, 24, substitute teacher, Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Paige, 25, jumbotron operator, New York City, NY
Robyn, 24, oil field account manager, Houston, TX
Sarah, 26, advertising executive, Los Angeles, CA
Selma, 29, real estate developer, San Diego, CA
Taryn, 30, heath club manager, Troutdale, OR
Tierra, 24, leasing consultant, Denver, CO
We are treated to quick snippets of some of the ladies so that we might snap-judge (I am declaring that a word for the purposes of this show) them harshly, I suppose. Desiree wants to find the person who completes her, and, as a bridal stylist, has the hook-up for a great wedding. Mmm, that would be a selling point if Sean wasn’t going to get a kick ass wedding from ABC if he plays his cards right.
Tierra has been broken hearted, but she wants a best friend. Even though she has a Yorkie. That Yorkie is going to be PISSED. That’s why dogs are man’s best friend and not woman’s, I guess.
Robyn is quirky and is leaning Spanish. Diana has two kids. Sarah has one arm. No, that’s not a typo. Its what makes her unique! I thought the fact she has (what I think is) a French bulldog makes her unique. That’s one cute dog.
Ashley P. has no idea why she’s still single and she seems ANGRY about it. And she’s obsessed with “Fifty Shades of Grey.” She’s gonna go “Anastasia” on him, and she wants Sean to spank her. Spank. Her. I guarantee she’s going home, possibly before this episode is over.
Lesley M. works at a political consulting firm and doesn’t like nerds or politicians. She intends to marry Sean. Well, she’s goal oriented, I guess.
Kristy is a Ford model, and I predict she will be the snotty Courtney-type everyone hates. Oh, and AshLee is adopted.
Okay, now that we’ve seen the clip packages, it’s time for Sean to actually meet these crazy broads. He’s humbled and nervous. Okay. That seems appropriate.
AshLee is up first. She wisely asks him how HE’S feeling. If that’s her gimmick, I give her points for it.
Jackie, being a “cosmetics consultant,” gives Sean a big lipstick kiss. This is the human female equivalent of peeing on him. Selma shows up and wipes it right off.
I wish I could run through all of this set to the tune of “88 Lines About 44 Women,” but I have a deadline. Maybe just put that on in the background to set the mood as you read.
Leslie declares Sean is “much cuter in person, Holy Toledo!”
Daniella does a jock handshake with Sean that’s more awkward than cute.
Kelly sings him a song she wrote. This is kind of cute and kind of obnoxious.
Katie, the yoga instructor, shows Sean how to breathe.
Here’s a question… DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO HAVE A GIMMICK? Whatever happened to “Hi, Sean, so good to meet you?” I still like AshLee’s clever idea of asking Sean how he feels instead of beating him over the head with a foam rubber finger and a football.
Ashley P. shows Sean that she brought a tie and tells him she’ll show him how to use it (i.e., tie her up) later. Sean looks quietly horrified.
Taryn makes an impression, but she almost forgets to give Sean her name. Catherine… doesn’t have a gimmick. Yay! Robyn tries to do a back flip and screws it up. Sigh. Paige tells Sean she was on “Bachelor Pad.” I’m all for telling the truth, but I think she should have kept that detail to herself for at least one episode. That’s kind of like admitting you have a venereal disease on the first date.
Tierra shows Sean the heart tattoo on her finger and tells him she’ll complete it when she finds the right guy. Sean likes her so much, he gives her a rose RIGHT THEN AND THERE. She just has an energy about her! Wow, I didn’t know he could do that!
Amanda tells Sean she wants to have their awkward moment to get it out of the way. So, they have an awkward moment. And yes, it’s awkward! I’m sure this seemed like a good idea at some point, though I can’t imagine when.
Keriann tells Sean she drove 2,775 miles to meet him. This seems somewhat threatening. Desiree has Sean join her to throw coins in the fountain. Hey, a cute gimmick! Finally!
Sarah looks nervous and cold. Brooke seems overheated, as she tells Sean she is ready for this wild, crazy thing they’re about to do and purrs at him. Diana tells him she’s a single mom, and Lesley M. makes him play touch football with her for about a half second.
Okay, PLEASE, can we stop with the gimmicks? Please? Handcuff the girls and search them if you have to, “Bachelor” producers, but I think Sean could only be more turned off if the show was set at a Kay Sedia Tupperware party. Which would be fun for everyone else, actually.
Kristy shows up and is already bitchy about the other girls. Oh, good! Ashley H. reveals she’s also a fashion model. Lauren tells Sean her dad will break his legs if he breaks her heart. Wow, that sounds like a ticket straight home if you ask me.
Finally, Lindsay shows up in a WEDDING GOWN. Then, she kisses Sean. Yes, this isn’t desperate at all!
But wait! There’s one more person! Kacie B., one of Ben’s rejects on the last “Bachelor,” shows up. She’s met Sean before, and she thinks there might be sparks. Kacie B., it’s time to try Match.com. I’m worried about you.
Sean is overwhelmed and excited (if I were him, I’d also be a little terrified). He tells the ladies he was open-minded with Emily and he fell in love, and he would love to find his wife in this group of ladies. The women scream! Let’s rip him to shreds! Wait, that’s “Walking Dead.” Sorry, I just got a definite “Brains, must eat brains” vibe from this crowd.
Oh, sorry. That was just the women hating all over one another. Crazy Ashley P. hates the wedding dress. Yes, her “Fifty Shades of Grey” theme was MUCH classier!
The women start dragging Sean off for quiet, private moments with a camera crew. Kacie B. is first up. He admits that he viewed her as a friend, so it’s a little weird for him to think of her romantically, but he’s open to it. Still, no rose. I guess Tierra was the exception to the rule.
But wait! Desiree reveals that she can design her own wedding dress AND toss a football, and Sean whips out Big Red. A rose, not a stick of gum. Or anything else. This isn’t Skinemax, people.
Then, Sean just goes nuts with the roses. Selma gets one. Robyn gets a rose. AshLee gets a rose. Jackie gets a rose. I feel like Sean is having an Oprah moment. And YOU get a rose! And YOU get a rose! And YOU get a rose! Ashley H., though, no rose. Is it me, or is her mouth kind of frozen?
Lindsay wishes she were more sober for her encounter with Sean, but that doesn’t slow her down. Dance with me, Sean! Sing with me! GIve me a kiss! “You are too much,” Sean says in a not-really-joking way. So, no rose for Drunkypants. Gosh, Lindsay thinks she might have blown it. Really, Lindsay? Acting like everyone’s gross lush uncle at the family Christmas party isn’t a turn on?
Also drunk is Ashley P. Kacie B. wants to get her some water. A lot of water. Maybe enough to drown her. Sean reveals he has a rape whistle in case he gets in trouble, and with Ashely P. around, he may just have to use it. She reveals to him that she informed her mom, after he dumped Emily, that he was the guy she was going to marry. Thus, her mom now refers to him as the son-in-law. I call this enabling the delusion, so way to go, Mom!
In other news, Lesley H. gets a rose.
At this point in the evening, some of the women are drunk, some of the women are bored, and some of the women are crying. Isn’t this fun? Taryn won’t interrupt anyone to get one-on-one time! She won’t! I don’t fight over some guy! She is on the WRONG show.
Sarah won’t go talk to him, because she doesn’t know if she deserves what everyone else deserves. She only has one arm! Still, getting a rose is extremely important to her, so she grabs Sean anyway. “I’m different, but have the same heart. I don’t feel uncomfortable at all.” Sean, who would come across as a grad A ass not to give her a rose after her uplifting talk about being one-armed in a two-armed world, gives her a rose. She’s good enough, she’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, Sean likes her!
Time for a very short rose ceremony! Really, are there any roses left? Oh, seven.
Sean thanks the remaining girls for their patience. He feels more confident than ever this will work, but alas, tough decisions, blah blah blah.
Amanda gets a rose.
Lesley M. gets a rose.
Kacie B.
Kristy get a rose.
Daniella gets a rose.
Taryn gets a rose.
One left! OMG! Sweaty palms,
Crazy wedding dress Lindsay gets a rose. Phew!
Lauren is out, and Paige is, too. Paige did “Bachelor Pad” and never got a rose on that show, either! She is taking this personally, dammit! Um, maybe you shouldn’t try to date on TV. Just a thought.
Kelly, also out, is totally embarrassed! She sang a song for him! She thinks it may be better to make herself happy than open herself up to love. So, she’s getting a cat.
Ashley H. hasn’t had love for years. Hey, look, she can move her face! If she’d done that just once while she was talking to Sean, he might have believed she wasn’t part doll and kept her around.
So, scenes from the rest of the season are suitably juicy. There’s ROLLER DERBY and a chick is TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL. The crazy seems to surround Tierra, but that’s all I can tell. I can’t wait!
What did you think of the insta-rose format? Do you think Sean made the right decisions? And would you have worn a bridal gown on the first episode?