Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ – ‘Law by Sheree’

12.13.11 7 years ago 10 Comments

For some reason, we’re getting a Very Special Episode of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” on a Tuesday night, though this isn’t actually a Very Special Episode for any other reason than yes, we’re watching it on a Tuesday night. I was hoping for some big catfight or maybe Kim popping out a second baby she didn’t realize was in there, but instead this is a fairly sedate episode, though I think it’s safe to forecast some turbulent waters ahead, specifically for Sheree. 

Sheree’s battle for child support is heating up, as Bob has pre-emptively served her with papers in an attempt to lower the amount that he owes her — even though he hasn’t paid one cent for the last four years. I’m beginning to think Bob went to the O.J. Simpson school of playing fair with an ex-wife. Anyway, Phaedra tells Sheree she’s going to have to defend herself — and if she’s smart, she’ll go file a warrant of abandonment so Bob will be sent to jail ASAP, forcing him to cough up the money he owes. More importantly, doing this is 1) totally within Sheree’s rights and 2) will show this neanderthal that she means business. But Sheree can’t do that to the father of her children! Where’s Thelma to give Sheree a good, hard shake? If Bob could, he’d have had Sheree shipped off to a third world country without  passport in the hopes that she’d never be able to return. Phaedra doesn’t push, but don’t forget that she mentioned this to Sheree and Sheree was the one who wussed out. This will come up later, trust me. 

Kandi hosts her little Internet sex show, Kandi Koated Nights. She needs to be taken more seriously, so she’s upgraded the set. Um, Kandi? Upgrading the set suggests you’re not going to squeeze a bunch of people behind a table and sit there with a COMPUTER in front of you. This looks like a talk show being conducted at a diner. Seriously, Kandi, I hope you didn’t spend too much on your upgrade.

Kandi’s first guests of the evening are Charles Grant and Marlo Hinton. Kandi wants tips on how lonely ladies can get themselves a pro athlete. Charles suggests that they not act like low class sluts, essentially. One of Kandi’s co-hosts then asks Charles how he went from NeNe to Marlo. Kandi needs to look into getting new co-hosts. Charles blinks, then denies ever having been with NeNe. Kandi, sensing blood in the water, then tries to get Marlo to explain where she got her money. Charles and Marlo are probably thinking they went on this crappy ass little show as a favor, and all they got for their trouble was attitude. Kandi should stick to music. And maybe sex toys, if she’s really attached to that idea. 

Kim and Kroy go home from the hospital with little K.J., and even though Kim has just birthed a baby, she’s just as tacky and gross as ever. She wants to know if the strap of the seatbelt is hurting K.J.’s little wiener. Ah, Kim, someday he’s going to be so embarrassed to have you as a mother. Then at home we watch K.J. poop. There is much discussion about his poop and what a big poop it is. I know Kim used to be a nurse (as she reminds us frequently), but I suspect she was someone who waltzed into patients’ hospital rooms and changed urine bags with nonstop embarrassing commentary — “Look at all this pee you made! Have you been eating asparagus? It really smells awful. I don’t even want to touch it! Does your weiner hurt?”  To further complicate matters, Chanel pees on the rug. Home sweet home!

Cynthia takes NeNe to a vintage store for an afternoon of shopping, which NeNe approaches with all the enthusiasm of being forced to have an on camera colonoscopy. NeNe sniffs. To her, a vintage clothing store is just a thrift store. And she is offended that a dress is $30. NeNe does not wear used clothes. NeNe is not having fun. When does NeNe have fun? I think she’s expecting Cynthia to buy her a pair of Louboutins and bring in an Italian opera singer to amuse her, because that’s how she rolls now. Anyway, Cynthia, probably eager to distract NeNe from making snide comments about the clothes, brings up Kandi Koated Nights and the fact that Charles denied having a relationship with NeNe. NeNe shrugs and says, well, that’s the truth. That’s not good enough for Cynthia, who mentions that Charles said he only went on one date with NeNe when he was at the Bar One party! NeNe babbles something about Hello Kitty and walks away. For once, I don’t blame her. If Charles says they didn’t date and NeNe says they didn’t date and a tree falls in the forrest, can we just drop this?

Sheree drives to Phaedra’s place in her new Porsche. Phaedra thinks buying a new Porsche was probably a stupid move when you’re trying to convince a judge to make your ex give you money. But Phaedra has other things to worry about with her problem client. Sheree wants to wear Dolce & Gabbana to court and tries on a skin tight suit that is, as Phaedra points out, all about the donkey. Phaedra urges her to put away her Hermes handbag, forget labels, and focus on looking poor. Sheree can’t understand this! She’s just being herself! I think Phaedra, who is giving Sheree a reduced rate, should consider charging more, as Sheree seems like more work than she’s worth. 

Kandi meets with Suki of OhMiBod to talk about vibrators. Vibrators that play music. These two then play with vibrators. In a restaurant. I’m guessing the people we see were shot later and then cut into this scene, because I don’t see Kandi as someone who walks around rubbing high powered vibrators against her nose while people are watching. But maybe she is. You never know with that Kandi. She did give Charles a pretty vivid description of her favorite sexual position on Kandi Koated Nights (on her tummy, legs together, the guy straddling her), so who knows. Maybe she ran up and down the restaurant asking people to touch her vibrator, who knows. 

Back at K.J.’s house, Kim and Brielle stare at the baby while Sweetie washes Kim’s wigs. Kim is not loving Brielle right this minute, as Brielle stabbed her little sister with a spork. Brielle doesn’t care. She doesn’t have to do anything except look beautiful, right? Kim and Sweetie warn Brielle that she’s going to have to start helping out. Brielle flips her hair and looks at them vacantly. Why should she have to work when Kim doesn’t? She doesn’t ask that, mind you, but I think that’s probably her best argument. 

Phaedra’s assistant Latoya tells Phaedra that Sheree stiffed her on her $5,000 retainer. But wait! Another employee, after calling repeatedly and waiting for over an hour, gets the check. Phaedra is not happy. Phaedra is also learning representing friends is probably not a great idea for the future. 

Sheree gets ready for court. Phaedra calls her to reassure her. She promises it’s going to be better this time! Everything’s going to be candy and sunshine and vanilla cupcakes! Sheree tries not to cry. Her last battle with Bob in court was miserable and took years – and Bob still managed to end up paying less than he should (not that he paid anything, mind you). Sheree doesn’t want to go, but she’s putting on her big girl, non-Louboutin pumps and going.  

Joe and Karen, Kim’s parents, come to see the baby. Joe is disgusting. He asks if the baby plays with Kim’s boobs while breast feeding. This is a gross question from anyone, but it’s especially gross from HER DAD. Kroy stares into space, probably because he’s trying to find reasons not to punch Joe and realizing he’s coming up short. Brielle isn’t helping out with the kid. Joe tries to explain to her that she neds to help, and while he’s disgusting, he does make a good point. Kroy agrees with him. Brielle flips her hair. Kim chimes in that she can’t help because she’s afraid of K.J.’s wiener, so Kroy has to do all the work. You know, the guy who actually earns a living. Because we haven’t had enough bodily excretions in this scene, Chanel poops on the rug. Arianna, being the sad little Cinderella of the house, has to clean it up. Brielle flips her hair. 

At the courthouse, Thelma shows up to support Sheree. I wish Thelma was suing Bob, because she would have already dragged his sorry ass to jail. Thelma is tough, smart and unfortunately still can’t talk any sense into her stubborn daughter. Sheree thinks Bob believes he’s above the law, which, to me, is a good reason to get his ass dragged to jail. This is just frustrating.

Before Phaedra can get started, Bob serves Sheree with a petition for contempt. Wha? Because of this, they have to set a new court date and nothing gets accomplished. Bob is just making crap up to delay the process. Oh, the petition? Bob claims Sheree took furniture that was granted to him in the divorce. Total nonsense. Have him dragged to jail, Sheree!

On his way out of the courtroom, Bob hugs Thelma. What? Thelma, don’t be nice to this creep! Then, as he’s leaving, Bob apparently sticks out his tongue at Sheree (of course, this may have been edited creatively). He may have gone to Stanford, but that doesn’t make him any less of a dirtbag. 

Phaedra meets Kandi and Sheree for lunch. Sheree starts inferring that Bob got one up on Phaedra, and that Phaedra should have done something a month earlier. What? Um, Sheree? It was up to YOU to call the sheriff and you said you wouldn’t do it. Phaedra’s pissed, as Sheree is now blaming her when Phaedra hasn’t done anything wrong. Sheree thinks Phaedra was outsmarted. Kandi thinks this is her time to bond with Sheree over her own child support drama, as she thinks the court system in Atlanta is rigged against women. She cries. Sheree cries. Phaedra probably rolls her eyes. I wouldn’t blame her, either. Sheree, who cares if your kids see their father in jail? Do it!

Do you think Bob outsmarted Phaedra? Do you think Sheree should have had him locked up? Do you think everyone should stop bugging Charles about NeNe and vice versa?

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