If you take the time to watch the season premiere of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” you may initially be lured into believing that wealth and fame has finally (and I mean finally) refined our fair ladies. Life seems to be a series of breezy, pleasant tasks, like moving into a fabulous new house or paying cash for a brand-new car. But rest assured — these women are still crazier than bloodthirsty bedbugs and have lost none of their appetite for fighting and shrieking in public places, purses swinging back and forth as they hysterically flap their arms in indignation. Ah, some things never change!
But first, the boring stuff. Kim is pregnant. Really pregnant. Like, may have to squat and pop out a kid in a storage facility pregnant. Actually, that won’t happen, as even though she’s moving her Big Papa-era belongings, she’s sitting in the car while her hot, younger boyfriend does the heavy lifting. Kroy is a defensive end for the Atlanta Falcons, and Kim’s entranced by her ass. I’m more distracted by the thought that Kim might really ruin the interior of her car if Junior decides to show up early, but no such luck. Kim thinks it’s very rude that Kroy doesn’t have “Tardy for the Party” as his ring tone. Actually, I think that implies he might be a man of good taste, or at least better taste than Kim’s. Kroy seems to be a good guy, and unfortunately I think that means he’ll be sticking by Kim’s side far longer than logic would dictate.
Elsewhere, NeNe and her son Bryson look at cars at Mr. Jay’s lot. NeNe used to date Jay in high school, so she’s fairly sure she can get a good deal. NeNe is forgetting that she looks like a linebacker compared to her high school self. Hey, I watched that before they were stars special, and high school was many years and 50 pounds ago. NeNe discloses that “Celebrity Apprentice” opened up her world to all sorts of business opportunities — and she learned from Donald Trump himself that everything is negotiable. As long as she didn’t pick up any hairstyling tips, fine.
Sheree pops into a recording studio to listen to her hair stylist Lawrence sing fairly horribly. Sheree is sure he has a hit on his hands, and I’m wondering if there’s any truth to that, because the caterwauling awfulness of the track actually stuck in my head for about an hour, so maybe that means it’s both awful AND catchy. Anyway, this isn’t about Lawrence. Sheree is upset with NeNe for a business deal gone wrong. Sheree thinks she and NeNe are going to talk about it. If by talk about it, Sheree means scream at each other until their ears bleed and dogs run wild in the street, then yes, they are going to talk about it.
On a more civilized note, Cynthia has lunch with Miss J, whom some of you (or all of you) know from “Amerca’s Next Top Model.” Cynthia is opening up a modeling agency and Miss J is going to look over the fresh meat. Miss J cautions Cynthia to go for quality over quantity, but seeing as Cynthia also seems to be working the modeling school idea, I think her only criteria is having a pulse and a functioning credit card. Cynthia introduces Miss J to her students/suckers as having just got off a plane from Paris. Miss J mentioned having just gotten off a plane from London by way of Manila, actually, but as most of these guys would probably think that that means she just exited a large yellow envelope, Cynthia seems okay with fudging a little. Miss J shows the models how not to walk the runway — which they then proceed to duplicate EXACTLY. Cynthia better get money up front from these people, just saying.
Phaedra’s great-aunt has passed away, and for some reason she’s stepping up as the great funeral organizer. She sits down with funeral director Willie Watkins, who buried Coretta Scott King. He’s got more tricks than a magician when it comes to marrying people, and Phaedra loves it! Phaedra is WAY too excited about a funeral. Willie recommends the company’s signature service, which includes men in top hats and a horn player, plus a stepping march at the end. Oh, and Willie specializes in horse and buggies. Did I mention hearses play music and have lights. I think one of Willie’s funerals is probably more fun than most weddings I’ve been to.
Phaedra, having had so much fun talking funerals, decides to join Sheree and Kandi to shop for sex toys. Kandi, being the sexpert with plans for her own line of sex toys, is going to be Sheree and Phaedra’s guide through the challenging world of vibrators, which basically entails pointing at things and instructing her friends as to where to stick them. Thankfully, Michael shows up to invite Phaedra to writhe on top of a wedge cushion. Phaedra wants it. You know, we don’t have to tag along on every shopping trip the housewives take. I’m wondering if Bravo is going to have us pop into the girls’ next gyno appointments. I’m sure they’re working on it.
Back to Kim. She lies in bed like a beached whale and is soon joined by her daughters and assistant Sweetie. Kim wants baked ziti and jalapenos because she’s eating HEALTHY. She also wants sour cream and onion potato chips and a diet Coke. Wait, when do we get to the healthy part? Kim can’t believe she’s gotten so big with this pregnancy. Huh, I can.
Back to Phaedra, who talks to Kandi about how creating funeral programs is her side hobby. She loves doing the make-up on dead people! She wants to make them beautiful. Um, okay. How many dead people has Phaedra given makeovers?
At Phaedra’s great-aunt’s funeral, Phaedra steps in for Willie, as he’s out of town on official funeral business. Hey, there are the guys with the top hats! And Phaedra’s great aunt is rocking a purple coffin. Finally, a dove is released. Just as I thought, this really is better than a lot of weddings, especially the ones with bad cake. Phaedra loves the pomp and circumstance. She had a great time! Phaedra is officially giving me the willies.
Finally, it’s time for NeNe and Sheree to meet. It seems promising, as they’ll be having their tete-a-tete at a little wine bar. Sheree is looking forward to having a grown lady conversation with NeNe. But things go south almost immediately, and not just because NeNe asks if the house has sweet white wine. Sheree starts, telling a tale of how promoter Tyrone claims that NeNe tried to undercut Sheree and devolving into a lecture on how black women fail to support one another. Is Sheree running for office? NeNe denies everything, so Sheree calls Tyrone on speaker. Two can play that game! So NeNe calls her former assistant Diana on speaker. Tyrone listens as the women leap from raised voices to shrieking to pointing and shrieking to all hellza batcrap crazy.
NeNe wasn’t talking to Tyrone because SHE WAS BUSY DEPOSITING A CHECK. A CHECK FROM DONALD TRUMP? Um, that precludes talking to Tyron? Sheree also loses the thread of logic and starts screaming at NeNe that she used to have ROTTEN TEETH! And NeNe’s first car was repossessed! At a Home Depot, which somehow makes it worse! NeNe decides to leave, so Sheree follows her into the street, still shrieking about NeNe’s teeth. Well, that was some grown lady conversation, I’ll say!
Cynthia visits NeNe at her house, and NeNe sniffles. She’s been crying. Sheree hurt her feelings! Cynthia reassures NeNe by telling her she’s super fabulous and so much more successful than Sheree and people are just trying to hurt her. Or maybe NeNe really screwed Sheree over. I’m just not ruling that out. But one thing is for sure — we have established the battle royale for the season. Add to that Kim popping out a demon spawn and Phaedra robbing tombs somewhere and it’s going to be a good, good time.
Do you think Phaedra should open a funeral parlor? Do you think NeNe was telling the truth or was Sheree? And how long do you think Kroy and Kim will stick it out?