‘The Bachelor’ recap: What the hell happened to Andi?

Remember how I said Andi was the front runner in the exhausting battle to win Juan Pablo's heart? The only sane one still left in the game? Possibly too sane to even be in the game? I take it all back. It's not that I don't think you have many, many assets, Andi. It's just that I think there must be a nightmare romcom bad date character with your name on it.

But let's not get to the moment when Andi proved to all of us why dating on a reality TV show is only one step removed from learning to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video. 

This week was, of course, the week of Fantasy Suites, otherwise known as Shaming Your Entire Family by Slutting It Up on National Television. Of course, everyone tried to make this desperate bid to win Juan Pablo's heart through putting out seem very mature and thoughtful.

Clare wanted to make sure Juan Pablo felt comfortable screwing around given that his daughter might be watching. Apparently Juan Pablo felt frolicking in the surf with Clare earlier in the season sent a lousy message to Camila, but having sex with three women in the same week? No problem!

Anyway, Clare wanted to let Juan Pablo know “it matters to me that it matters to you.” What follows is mostly the two of them talking at each other and not really listening to what the other is saying, mostly because Juan Pablo wants to suck on her lower lip and Clare wants to let sure everyone knows she's not trashy because she's ready to be a stepmother. 

I find it pretty funny that Clare has to make such a big deal about hoping Juan Pablo is ready to introduce her to Camila. I really wanted him to shrug and say, eh, she already met Nikki, what's one more chick?

We later learn from Juan Pablo that he and Clare sat on opposite sides of the bed and talked all night long. Hahahahahahaha! Pretty sure that after making out in the pool the next step was naked showering. 

Next, Andi gets her shot at Juan Pablo. They have a lovely daytime date, playing soccer with local kids and making out under a waterfall. She's on cloud nine! She's so in love! Everything's great!

Juan Pablo asks her an excellent question — given that she'd already told him she desperately wanted to be in love, is she forcing what she feels for him? No, no, never! What she feels is real! She'd never force it because there's a child at stake! That kid, Camila or whatever her name is!

So, it's another romp in the Fantasy Suite, which is where it all goes to hell in a hand basket. 

The next day, Juan Pablo is over the moon! He had a wonderful time with Andi! They talked and laughed and really, really connected!

Ahem. He really, really connected, apparently with himself. According to Andi, he never showed an interest in her. He only talked about himself. He name dropped. He was a big, Hollywood asshat. And worst of all, he talked about the awesome time he already had in the Fantasy Suite with Clare.

At this point, I'm thinking Andi has finally uncovered the true Juan Pablo, a hot Latino void who's just looking to extend his fifteen minutes. I'm not saying that assessment is necessarily wrong, but it isn't until Juan Pablo and Andi talk again that I have to question the source. 

Before that happens, Juan Pablo hooks up with Nikki. Does anyone else think he's phoning it in with her? She tells him she's desperately in love with him, and he kisses her to shut her up. He loves kissing Nikki! And he can't wait for her to see the “real him.” Aaagh!

So, Juan Pablo is thinking he has three hot women drooling all over him. He gets choked up over their video messages… at least, right up until he sees Andi's, which demands a face-to-face meeting.

I should point out — I'm rooting for Andi until this point. She's going to let him down easy and walk away with her head held high, right? She knows that she can find a better guy, and she's going to go out there and do it. Go, Andi!

Well, since Andi didn't get my psychic email, that isn't what happens. No, what happens pretty much negates all of the good vibes Andi has built up with the audience over the season. 

At first, Andi seems pretty reasonable. She doesn't feel a connection, and their time in the Fantasy Suite proved that to her. Fine. But then we realize Andi is angry. Really angry. Juan Pablo told her everything was okay all the time! “It's crazy to think how little he knows about me at this point!” He told her to trust him! THAT BASTARD!

Juan Pablo is obviously thrown by Andi's change of heart. He does make the entirely reasonable suggestion that she could have expressed all of this during their Fantasy Suite date and let him know what she wanted. Geez! Doesn't he know he's supposed to READ HER MIND? The nerve!

So, Juan Pablo is willing to let Andi go with no further discussion. After all, she's dumping him, right? But no! Andi needs to TALK ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP. You know, to make sure he knows exactly how he screwed up. At one point she tells him this is just information he needs to know going forward. Um, Andi? If no one else is bothered, it isn't. He's just not right for you. That doesn't mean you have to pummel him into a new Play-Doh shape for the next girl. 

But Andi is determined. “You told me that I was the default choice after Renee!” Juan Pablo doesn't use that word, so, um, maybe you're not remembering that correctly. No, I KNOW EVERYTHING! There's some bickering, and Juan Pablo actually gets a little irritated. I can't blame him, though. He tries to tell Andi he was just honest with her. “Do you not see there's a difference between being honest and being a bleep?” she snarls.

Andi could have stopped ages ago and still would have looked irrational, but no, this goes on and on and ON. You don't take me seriously! You don't know my stand on politics and social issues! You are a JERK, Juan Pablo! I will not stop until you admit it! Or cry! 

Finally, Andi skulks off to the getaway car and Juan Pablo sighs with relief. As he explains, he would have been devastated if she'd just dumped him, but because she had to do the scorched earth thing? Good riddance. 

I am shocked that I am taking Juan Pablo's side in this, by the way. I suspect Andi discovered he was just as self-absorbed as she said. But the fact she never mentioned it to him when it might have made a difference and couldn't just leave without rubbing salt in the wound makes her look like a hysterical mess who might be crazy enough to be a really good lawyer. 

Even though she's leaving of her own volition, Andi cries a little in the car. “Are my standards too high?” she asks, wondering if she'll ever find love. I'd suggest she not pick fights with guys she's just broken up with on national television. That will help.  

Anyway, Clare and Nikki are the final two. But who cares which crazy woman he picks? What I'm really eager to see is next week's reunion. I suspect blood will be spilled, and some of it will be Juan Pablo's. 

Were you surprised by Andi's decision? Are you rooting for Clare, Nikki or none of the above? Do you want to go to St. Lucia? And would you go on a show like this to get there?