It’s time for one of those “the rejects speak” episodes of “The Bachelorette,” which is usually just an excuse to get people yelling at one another. But given how low this season was on friction, I’m not expecting fireworks. Okay, maybe someone will take a punch at Kalon, but I’m sure he’s used to it. What I’m really not expecting is much animosity toward Emily. Emily may be one of the most universally adored heartbreakers in the history of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” and it doesn’t hurt that she can swear like a sailor (judging from how much she’s bleeped) and isn’t afraid to get her mama bear on when it comes to her kid. I do think Ricki, though she never meets the guys face-to-face, has been an effective tool in keeping them focused on exactly how much is at stake. And, in the case of Kalon, she has been a helpful tool in exposing him as a self-absorbed ass. But more on Kalon in a moment. Let’s get to the episode!
We kick things off with a long review of weird/dumb/charming stuff the aspiring bachelors did during their time on the show, with amiable patter from Emily. This is largely useless fluff, but Emily does reveal she will show Chris Harrison her running man after the final rose. I wish she’d just do it while the cameras are running, but I suspect some talk show host will nail her to the wall to show it off.
Next, we get a long promo for “Bachelor Pad.” There will be 1) lots of crying 2) someone will brandish a big, dirty knife, probably to cook something but it’s better for ratings that you worry someone actually died on the show 3) topless swimming 4) swearing 5) devastating heartbreak 6) Blakeley 7) more crying 8) Blakeley acting really desperate 9) a spelling bee, which should be hell for most of these people 10) a marriage proposal 11) even more crying and 12) superfine enter the house! This last bit is a twist, in which the former bachelors and bachelorettes can feel snotty and superior to mere mortals. How pedestrian to act like FANS!
Finally, it’s time to meet the rejects. On the panel of resentment are Randy, Aaron, Joe, Charlie, Stevbie, Alessandro, Travis, Nate, Michael, Alejandro, Kalon, Ryan, Doug, John “Wolf”, Tony, Chris and sure-to-be-the-next-Bachelor Sean. Chris Harrison will do his best to foment dissent.
We start off with some fond memories. Remember when you stepped out of the limo? In short, no one remembers what the hell they said, as they were nervous. Travis does remember his ostrich egg, however, and everyone remembers that Kalon seemed like a pompous ass for taking a helicopter to the house.
Of course, everyone has at least a few semi-nasty things to say about their fellow competitors, and not just Kalon (though Kalon is a universally loathed target). Chris was young and immature, which causes Chris to maturely roll his eyes. Doug was deemed a trouble starter, and Arie gets points for doing a Doug-as-Hulk imitation which is actually pretty funny. And, oh yeah, everyone also hated Ryan for having an ego.
Chris decides to defend himself, sort of, for being immature. He was immature and hotheaded on the show, but that was only because he loved Emily so much! Doug insists his comments about 25-year-olds didn’t mean to be a smear against Chris, but Chris isn’t buying it. Ryan tries to jump in to calm the waters, which is kind of like being a peacemaker bunny rabbit trying to settle things with the neighborhood wolves as they decide who gets the drumstick. Wolf thinks Ryan was a snob, Chris thinks Ryan was a snob, Chris Harrison would like everyone to stop picking on Ryan so they can save it for the segment when they’re supposed to pick on Ryan, and suddenly Kalon jumps to Ryan’s defense. People only hated him because he was such a threat! I’m not sure having Kalon come to your defense is ever a good thing. It’s kind of like getting a staunch defense from, say, Robert Blake or the Night Stalker.
With Kalon having jumped into the frey, he’s officially fair fame. Kalon doesn’t know why everyone didn’t want to talk to him about his lovely helicopter! He knows he would have wanted to talk to him!
Luckily for him, at that moment Chris Harrison definitely wants to talk to him about why he’s such a jerk. Kalon takes the hot seat, and he does absolutely nothing to make himself seem like less of an ass. He didn’t want to be Emily’s baby stepdaddy, but he thought it was an indication of his good character that he didn’t pull out of the show when he learned she was the bachelorette. Joe can’t restrain himself, and from the cheap seats he shouts, “Liar! You were here for the glitz and the glamour!”
Before everyone can throw in their two cents about how fake Kalon is, as we’ve already figured that out, Chris Harrison brings up his comment to Emily about loving to hear her talk — but not until he was finished. Kalon admits he doesn’t have a filter. Yeah, that doesn’t fly with the rest of the guys. Tony thinks he’s not a real man. Doug says it’s never okay to refer to a child as baggage. Sean says he loved Emily and loving her meant embracing everything about her — including her kid. Kalon does not back down. Baggage, smaggage! Chris Harrison also notes that Kalon will be on “Bachelor Pad,” where he will probably be just as evil as we expect.
Next on the hot seat is Ryan. Ryan, like Kalon, doesn’t understand why anyone disliked him! He’s just confident. Chris Harrison seems to be one step away from grabbing Ryan and shaking him. Ryan says he’s just a fun-loving guy! Chris wants to comment, but Ryan is so happy talking over him, Chris practically has to lunge at the stage to get a word in edgewise. Chris wants to know if Ryan was really looking for love with Emily, and Ryan says he wasn’t looking for love with Emily as much as he was looking for a wife. In short, he liked Emily but he didn’t like-like Emily. Ryan, however, is not as soulless as Kalon and admits he might have wanted to change his response to Emily’s question about whether or not he’d still love her if she sat on the sofa and ate cheeseburgers until she became fat. Though he thinks saying “I’d still love you, but I might not love on you as much” is still super funny, he understands some people didn’t get the joke. Even though it was funny!
I am feeling exhausted by the one-two punch that is Kalon and Ryan, so I’m relieved when Chris is called to the stage. He’s scared! Emily’s break-up with him still hurts! He loved that girl 110 percent. Aww, Chris, you poor, mathematically-challenged thing. Chris reveals that he’s lost friends and he understands we only have the moment we’re in, and the chance to fall for Emily was once in a lifetime. He gets a little weepy. Chris feels things! A lot! That’s why he acts mad sometimes, he says. And that may be why he ultimately takes a swing at Ryan in the parking lot, but I digress. Chris is grateful to Emily for making him believe in love. He is also on “Bachelor Pad,” which makes me think he also believes in money and that any publicity is good publicity.
Finally, we get sure-to-be-the-next-Bachelor Sean. Sean’s still torn up over Emily. After she dumped him, he tried to figure out what was missing. He admits his feelings won’t fade overnight. He still misses her. I hate to say it, but I think Emily may have made a mistake sending Sean home. Still, Sean is ready to find love with someone new, and he’s grateful to Emily for showing him the way. The way most of these guys talk about Emily she sounds like this helpful Mrs. Robinson character who guides them along the path to love.
It’s time for Emily to come out, and all the guys still seem a little swoon-y about her. Regrets, she’s had a few. She admits to Sean she had an ugly cry watching the episode in which she broke up with him, and I can’t help but think she seems a little regretful about dumping him. She also tells Doug she wishes she’d given him the group date rose after he told her about Kalon’s “baggage” comment. She definitely feels she owes him one for saving her from that lying bastard. Kalon spins a very nice little statement to Emily about how happy he is for her, and how he’s trying to grow. And what does Emily do? She tells him he should be a politician, because he’s full of bleep. You know, it’s just as satisfying to hear Emily tell Kalon off the second time as it was the first.
It turns out Kalon had posted a picture of an airport baggage claim and had made a bad joke about Emily on his Twitter feed. When he was roundly criticized for said bad joke, his response? Sorry I’m not sorry. Kalon is so, so very busted. He tries to make a snarky comeback by telling Emily he’s flattered she follows him on Twitter, but Emily gets the last word. “I hope you find faith ins something bigger than your Prada shoes and your helicopter,” she says with a cruel smirk. Do not mess with Mama Bear!
She has kinder words for Ryan, admitting that their beliefs didn’t perfectly line up but she hopes he finds the right girl. There’s still a little chemistry there.
Finally, we sift through some not-so-funny bloopers (look! An umbrella fell over! Wow!) and then get a taste of Sunday’s grand finale. It’s implied that she decides to reject both Jef and Arie, though I find that hard to believe. But that would at least fill up a good part of the epic three hour episode.
Do you think Emily chooses Jef? Arie? Or none of the above? What did you think of the rejects episode?